The Despair Inc. Blog

I’ve only got a little bit to promote this week- and one axe-to-grind (that might actually benefit those of you who read these emails in their entirety). The main pitch? A FREE SHIPPING coupon – for domestic U.S. customers. The code to use if you want free shipping is ouch- and it is good until end-of-day Saturday. You’ve got less than two weeks until Valentine’s- why not load up on the only candy that make any sense on such a miserable holiday?

My next item is… Ah yes! Flacking the last few remaining “Paternity” tees!

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Our once impressive supply of 500 tees has now dwindled down to but a handful- so as of end-of-day Sunday, we are pulling these guys from the website forever! So if you have any desire to snag one of these babies, order it NOW!

And now for my axe to grind… This last part is to the two dudes in the nearby office who manage the Despair.com website. You forgot to take down the Clearance Sale page. That was supposed to be gone last week! If you READ MY WAILING LISTS every once in awhile, you might actually KNOW when a promotion is supposed to be OVER! So I’m just going to needle you in public- knowing that you might not even get THIS email reminder to turn off the sale. But since you-know-who DOES read these mails (supposedly), I suspect you’ll be getting an email in short order asking WHY it is that you repeatedly ignore the deadlines for marketing promotions. And then you’ll HAVE to promise to do a better job in the future (meaning you’ll have to start reading my stuff again!

So- if you’re still reading this and you DON’T work for Despair- you can probably use that Clearance Sale link for at least the next few hours. My guess is somebody will catch on eventually and remove it by tomorrow if not later today. We’re such the model of efficiency here.

Yes, if you bothered to read the headline copy above, you read it correctly. For the first time in Despair history, we are permanently retiring over two dozen Demotivator designs from our collection! And by retiring, I really mean we’re deep-sixing them. Once this promotion is complete, they will be removed from the website and never made available for purchase again! But before that time, we’re making them available for only $7.95 each! That’s 50% off most of them! And if that wasn’t a good enough deal, we’re even giving you a chance to pick up a desktopper of our brand new design, Indecision, for the crazy price of FREE! (For your first one only…)

Why are we doing such a thing? Each one has a special story, a distinct history, a place near-and-dear to our hearts. We think of them almost like pets. And in the case of these soon-to-be-retired designs, we’re tired of putting up with their crap! As our Demotivator collection has grown and grown over the years, it becomes harder and harder to justify carrying the underperformers- even if some of them are personal favorites to various staff members here. So we’re kicking-them-to-the-curb.

And guess what, in the midst of all this awesome super-sale action, we’re even rolling out a new Limited-Edition DespairWear Tee! How limited is this baby? We’re only printing 500 of them! That’s more limited than any tee we’ve ever done! Why are we doing that? I have no idea- nobody tells me anything! I yelled myself hoarse this morning trying to make the case that the design is too classic and funny to limit to 500- and nobody cared! But what is the new design, you ask?

We’re only selling 500 of these babies. And we’re even doing you a super-solid by offering them for $15.95- instead of our usual limited-run prices of $19 or more. So please, please, please- if you want one, order it NOW! Throw in your free Indecision desktopper, and pick up some soon-to-vanish Demotivator Tees, Desktoppers, and Posters for $7.95. But do it quickly. Because you know we’re going to be blast through these tees and retired designs in a flash, and if you waited too long, you’ll be mad at US. Don’t let that happen!

Our latest Caption Contest voting is complete- and, in classic paradoxical style, you decided on “Indecision”!

This time around, the 1st Prize winner of the contest is Mr. David Erbas-White! He’ll soon be receiving a check for $750, along with some other junk. All for contributing the winning submission, INDECISION!

But he’s not the only winner today. Also, Despair will be awarding $200 to Twitter user @robidoo, for being the lucky retweeter of our promotional contest tweet!

Starting Monday at noon, Despair is running an ultra-mega-huge Retirement Party sale. We’re going to be permanently retiring a great number of Demotivator designs in the interest of simplifying our gargantuan collection! So we’re going to offer crazy discounts on things we are getting rid of- and you REALLY should not miss out on this chance when it comes up!

But that’s not all! Because we’re also unveiling a really hilarious new DespairWear design- but it will only be available for 48 hours, and then gone forever! (I have it on good authority that we might even have TWO such gems- though I’ve yet to see confirmation on that…)

So- prepare yourselves! I wish I could start plugging the promo details and new shirt and all that stuff right now but I can’t- so make sure you check your emails first thing Monday morning. (Er, not really first thing. But by maybe 9am CDT?) You should receive a Wailing List email with all the scoop- and THEN it will be time for you to scoop up some great deals and freebies and that exclusive-and-available-for-48-hours-only t-shirt!

In the meantime, thanks again for your participation in the Caption Contest! I think it turned out a great design! More soon, yall!

Oh yes! It’s back- and it’s bigger than ever! Despair is starting off 2010 with another of our beloved Caption Contests- and this time, we’re giving the winner $750! Wow! How’s THAT for inflation! So- prepare yourselves- one and all- for the battle of wits that pits you again thousands of your fellow demoralized, disgruntled, or disaffected Despair, Inc. fans!

I know most of you have figured out how this works by now- but for the new subscribers and/or the particularly slow long-time followers, here’s the rundown on the rules.

We’ve prepared a perfectly caption-worthy image. Now we’re calling on YOU to with with the perfect title & caption for it!

If your submitted caption is chosen to be the best- you’ll receive a check for $500- along with some other goodies (that may or may not be grabbed hastily from our “RETURNS” bin in the warehouse…)

Here’s how this all works…

From now until noon CDT on Tuesday, we are accepting your caption and title submissions. (Incidentally, the “TITLE” field is NOT asking for your job title… I can’t tell you how many captions I’ve seen that had titles like “INSURANCE ADJUSTER” or “EXECUTIVE CUSTOMER ASSISTANT IN TRAINING” or whatnot. We’re asking you to submit a title for your parody poster!)

When the Submission stage closes, then the Peer-review stage begins! From Tuesday at 12:01pm CDT through Wednesday at midnight CDT- YOU are allowed to vote on randomized, unedited submissions from other participants- should you want to do so.

PLEASE, PLEASE NOTE: I’ll repeat this once again. If you CHOOSE to join the Peer-Review stage, you are choosing to wade through a largely unedited sludge of user-generated (in some cases loser-generated) content. Don’t write angry mails to me about someone else’s caption submission- it’s not my fault! We’re trying to get a little bit better about purging obvious garbage from the user-generated datafile (vulgar or racist stuff, etc.) But you still may occasionally run into something bothersome or unimaginably stupid. That’s the price one pays for the opportunity to help find and elevate the occasional bits of brilliance that will most certainly be buried in this mess.

Again, to those of you willing to brave the wasteland in search of genius, we’re quite grateful for your efforts. That is why- once the contest is complete- we will again offer, for a very brief window- a chance for you to get a framed 5×7 of the winning design for free. But I’m getting ahead of myself… Where was I? Oh yes… Thursday.

On Thursday, we will announce between 6 to 12 semi-finalists from amongst the top contest vote-getters. If you don’t want to read through raw captions but you do want to vote on semi-finalists, you are more than welcome to do so. A final vote will be held starting Thursday afternoon to determine the final contest winner!

All you need to do in order to submit your entry (or entries) is visit this link. Remember, you have until Monday at midnight to submit your suggested caption(s)!

And- once again I’m inviting my Twitter followers- should they want to- to you Retweet the CONTEST invitation below. By doing so, you’ll automatically be registered for a chance to win $200. Simply cut and paste the blue text below into your Twitter update window and tweet it to the world!

DESPAIR.COM CONTEST: Write the best caption for this pic to win $750! http://bit.ly/1hk74 (Retweet 4 chance 2 win $200)

(Yet again, let me remind you: In order to qualify for the Twitter drawing, you need have at least 5 followers. And if it looks like all 5 of your followers were generated by YOU hastily so they can have fake conversations with you, you’ll be disqualified. Let that be a life lesson!

Now. Let my aimless prattling cease and your caption submissions begin!

Happy belated 2010! I’m glad to be back- and glad to kick the year off right with one of my favorite pieces of marketing copy in the entire Despair arsenal- the “BitterSweets” product sheet. As I mentioned last year, I earnestly attemped- once- to write my own BitterSweets marketing copy from the ground up. But after spending hours on it- I realized I simply had no hope of improving on the original (below). I only wish I could claim to have written it myself- but alas, that distinction falls to Despair’s most notoriously black-hearted writer (who I would name here by name were I not afraid of the potential repercussions. One doesn’t taunt the black-hearted needlessly, certainly not when they are higher-ranking on the org chart AND particularly cruel-humored.)

But one thing I will ADD before launching this is a never-before used coupon code. If you want to save 15% on any of our three-collection of “BitterSweets“- or on our 3-pack bundle- simply use the coupon code blackheart when placing your order- and save you will!

For those who missed the sneak-peak e-mail we sent a few days before New Year’s, Despair has both added BitterSweets candies back to our website and also introduced a new, limited-edition DespairWear t-shirt called Cupid Keeps Missing.

I have labored for hours in an attempt to write richer marketing copy than already has been written by our writing team about our BitterSweets candies. But that brilliant copy is simply impossible for me to improve upon. So I will break from my usual policy of avoiding large-scale cut-and-paste jobs, so that I can I bring these devastatingly crafted words to the attention of those of you who’ve missed out.

Bittersweets®

For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine’s Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear’s romantic indignities, today’s loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering.

Introducing Bittersweets®- The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us.

Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was “so totally way hotter.”

Now available in THREE unique collections- “Dejected”, “Dysfunctional”, and “Dumped”- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

“Dejected” sayings include:

I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE
MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA
WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE
“Dysfunctional” sayings include:

ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N
PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST
“Dumped” sayings include:

I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN
JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG
RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN
FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB

Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.

(You know what we’re talking about.)

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.

Order Yours Now!

THE LAST, BEST HOLIDAY DEAL IS HERE:

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT
Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20- and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

And here’s a bonus even I didn’t know about! For the duration of the promotion, Despairwear Tees will all be discounted to $15.95. That’s up to $4 the retail price- on some of the most comfortable, best-printed ironic tees known to mankind! Wow!

Don’t forget- anything you order should arrive before Christmas- even if you just use Standard Shipping- provided you are shipping to a U.S. address! (If any item is on delayed shipping or backorder, we will expressly tell you so on that item’s order page…) So go on, load up! You’ll never find a more satisfying set of gift choices for for that not so special pessimist, cynic, or underachiever in your workplace, or immediate or extended family!

Just remember. The clock is ticking. You need to place this order before Midnight CDT on Thursday in order to score all these extra drop-ins and get them in time for gift-giving. So tarry no longer!

* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.