New DespairWear: The Failure Tee
We’re putting the U R A back in FAILURE.

After a prolonged hiatus, DespairWear is back with a brand new Tee!  And I have it on good authority that you can actually save $7 on this tee- or any tee for that matter- if you use the coupon code “woot” (no quotes) within the next 48 hours.  (This promotional code was actually created by one of my coworkers for use in a marketing promotion unrelated to The Wailing List but as far as I can tell, it still works…)

Hey, and speaking of your favorite e-mail marketing newsletter…

I just had my annual performance review this week.  How time flies.  Has it really only been a century since I started working here?

I’ll have more to say on the subject of my review in a later posting, because I’m pressed for time.  But one thing I’ll mention is that I was told that I should try to grow the Wailing List subscribership by 20% before the end of the year.  I get no budget for this- I’m just supposed to “Make it happen!“.  Pure boggin’.

If you want to encourage your family/friends/coworkers to join the list by visiting this link, you are welcome to do so.  But they should be forewarned about what kind of content they’re going to have to endure…  (I include as evidence links to several issues from the archives- like “Cluelessness and Burnout“, “Twas the Night Before Christmas“, “A Brand New Demotivator - Vision“, “Your Blog“, “The Return of Free Shipping“, “The Peerless Tee“, and even last week’s “Minds are like parachutes…“- which has produced more responses-most angry- than any issue in the history of the list…)

Of course, if you find the idea of encouraging others to join a mailing list to be an obnoxious request (as I certainly would), you should just blow it off.  Seriously, don’t your friends and family have enough problems just dealing with the burden that your relationship places upon them?  Like they really need the added stress of getting sucked into my world, as well?  Don’t you care for them enough to spare them the harassment?  You should.

So- there’s a new Demotivator this week.  It’s called Sanity.  But before I go into any detail about that design, allow me to flash back to around this time last week.

You see, to my absolute amazement, our recent issue of the Wailing List generated an outpouring of offended replies from people who apparently find the idea of making fun of Government to be tantamount to blasphemy.  I excerpt an email below for your consideration:

Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:22:35 -0400
From: “Allison (REMOVED)” (ally.(REMOVED)@(REMOVED).gov)
Subject: Re: The Wailing List - Government
To: The Wailing List

Your latest design about GOVERNMENT is reprehensible in the extreme!  What are we to infer from it?  That you would prefer anarchy?  Everyone loves to mock the government- right up until the point where they actually need it!  And make no mistake, you (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) need it!

Ever driven on a state highway?  Guess where it came from?  It wasn’t built by American Indians!  It was built by your own government!

Ever send your children to public school?  Ever call 911 in an emergency? Ever visit a public park?  I’m sure snotty (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) like you wouldn’t dare taint yourself by depending on government in such a situation!  Right?!

Hey- here’s a funny question!

You ever been on a watchlist?  Well, if you haven’t, you’re about to be.  I’m forwarding your “hilarious” new design to a friend at the DHS who loves to stay abreast of “comedians” who mock government.  One of your call center employees was kind enough to tell me the name of the gentleman who wrote that oh-so-funny Demotivater(sic)-  so please tell Daniel (REMOVED) that his name will be included in my e-mail.  We’ll see how funny he thinks it is the next time he tries to hop on a commercial jet!  I think he’ll see the exquisite irony of the whole situation right then and there- when he has his no-no zones thoroughly scrutinized by a- wait for it!- A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE!

If you think I’m kidding, think again.  Tell your snarky little coworker Mr. (REMOVED) he ought to read up on “MAIN CORE”.  Because it’s going to be reading up on HIM in about an hour from now!

Sincerely annoyed-as-hell-at-you,
Allison (REMOVED)

While this was the most forceful reply I received, it certainly wasn’t the only angry one. I’m frankly still astonished by the flood of responses. It was a joke- inspired no doubt by the never-ending parade of political stupidity coming from both houses of Congress and both political parties*. Only a joke.

I have been slowly working my way through replies- but in the case of the above, I forwarded it to Daniel- the author of that particular Demotivator and asked him to respond to the offended customer directly, if he cared to do so.

24 hours later- he had written his reply to the customer- and copied me. His reply was simply in the form of a picture. A new Demotivator called Sanity- apparently inspired by the threats of a deeply-offended, big-government loving statist.

That design is now available in lithograph and desktopper formats. And guess what? The lithograph is available for only $9.95- as are all of our lithographs for the month of August.

And- if that wasn’t good enough- I’ve got yet another bit of good news. Overwhelmed with his own feelings of superiority, Daniel also suggested we use offer a coupon code this week for our Superiori-Tee. If you want to get this tee for $5, simply use the coupon code “nonozone” (no quotes).

This offer is even valid for you, Allison! You may love big government- but given your history of only buying things when we offer super-discounts, I know you love heap big savings** even more! Why- you ask- are we letting you in on the deal? Because your invocation of the haven’t-heard-it-since-1977 of “no no zones” led to the biggest explosion of laughter from the writers’ room that I’ve ever heard! No joke!

So- there you have it. A new design- inspired by an angry customer’s response to a recent design- and a great set of discounts on posters and an unprecedented discount on our most popular t-shirt! (He said, bracing himself for a new flood of email complaints from easily offended parachutists and/or crazy people…)

**  Oh, and by the way, Allison, I’m 1/8th Cherokee Indian by blood- and that 1/8th of me took offense at your cheap comment about the highway system not being built by my people.  I forwarded your comments to my father- who is 1/4th Cherokee (and actually registered with the Cherokee Nation). He was twice as offended as I was but told me to let it go.  “You don’t really have the right to be offended by that, son.  Technically, with 1/8th blood, you’re not really qualified to be.” So I asked him what rights I might enjoy, given I had only a half-of-a-quarter of Cherokee blood.  He said I can’t own a casino and won’t qualify for very many scholarships, but that I could probably get away with using “heap big” every once in a while.  So now I have.  I hope you’ll choose your words more carefully next time. Some of us are easily offended.

GOVERNMENT:
If you think the problems we create are bad,
just wait until you see our solutions.

I’ve been told to get this design out today- so I don’t even have time to put together a proper Wailing List. I was told, however, that for one last time, Dr. Kersten has authorized his uncharacteristically charitable giveaway promotion- the same one extended earlier to “Tradition” and “Priorities” promotions.

In short- if you want to get either a 24″x30″ Lithograph of Government, or a 5″x7″ Desktopper of it (or both), you can do so for free- simply by adding the items to your cart when you place your order for $19.95 or more worth of other Despair goods.

But the offer is only good through the end of July- so if you want to take advantage of it- act quickly!

Later!

FREE SHIPPING IS BACK!

(Until the end of July, at least.)

Not a day goes by without Despair receiving dozens of complaints about our supposedly “outrageous” shipping costs.  I don’t even work in the Customer Service group- but even I receive a steady stream of angry emails from people who are tired of having to pay high fees to get already overpriced non-essential discretionary items shipped to their various homes and places of business.

One recent complaint from an angry customer stated:

“I pay $125 each time I fillup my truck.  U R RUBBING(sic) ME BLIND!  Lower yer shipping fees u crooks so some of us can afford them again!”

This complaint was entirely typical of the many we receive on a daily basis (provided she actually meant to say “ROBBING”*).  Incredibly, customers sending such complaints seem to assume that Despair’s shipping costs are a matter of our own choosing, and apparently take place in a universe of solar-powered UPS delivery trucks.

The cost of fuel hurts all of us.  Dr. Kersten himself complained recently- in a recent visit to the call center- that it just cost him $100 to fill up the tank of his Porsche.  There was a scent of commiseration in the air- at least until he began to enumerate his other complaints.   Like how the skyrocketing fuel costs were driving up the price of importing his favorite 30-year single malt scotches.   Or how increasing oil prices were affecting the cost of fertilizer and making the whole business of maintaining a topiary far more of a headache than he’d ever imagined…

“Oh blast it… But where else am I going to put a 6 foot tall bronze minotaur sculpture?  Just open the bloody Anwar Reserve already!  I’m dying here!”

That’s a direct quote.  I kid you not.

But to the surprise of all- Kersten followed this litany of complaints with either a rare display of generosity (or- more probably- a very typical display of business cunning).   He decided to authorize the return of Despair’s once-in-a-blue-moon FREE SHIPPING coupon.  Those wishing to get free shipping on their next domestic order need only include the coupon code “fuelsubsidy” (without quotes) when checking out of the store.

In order to qualify for the free shipping promotion, you must be delivering to an address in the United States.  There isn’t a limit on the amount of items you may order during the promotion- so if you feel inclined to get ahead on Christmas shopping by picking up a bunch of t-shirts or mugs or lithographs or calendars while shipping is free, go right ahead.   The coupon code is valid through the end of the month.  I was specifically told that this would be the only free-shipping promotion of 2008- so if you’re the sort who has been whining about our shipping costs- you better load up!

Introducing yet another brand-new Demotivator-  Priorities!

Created in rejoinder to one of the most popular motivational posters of all time, this design is being introduced in a shockingly generous promotion that mirrors last week’s unexpectedly popular Tradition giveaway.

In case you missed it- we’re giving you the chance to own a FREE LITHOGRAPH & DESKTOPPER of this entirely new design- provided you order $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.  All you need to do is go to the link and add one or both of those goodies to your cart- and you’ll find that yet again, the first one of either (or both) is free.  (Limit one of each free per order.)  Incidentally, the design is now available for inclusion in your next Standard or Special-Edition version of our Summer 2008 Calendars, as well.

WHY have we authorized this insanely generously promotion?  I actually have no idea.

When I asked my boss, the VP of Marketing, I was informed that the answer was “above my pay grade”- an answer I have heard from her in response to dozens of questions, including, “Why do you smell like Triple Sec- it’s only 10 in the morning?” to “Why are you throwing up in my trashcan instead of yours?” to “Is there anything that can be done to raise my pay grade?”

(I actually have heard rumors that Dr. Kersten has a running bet with an investor about whether or not Despair can break some sort of sales record this month, for whatever that’s worth…)

So there you have it.  Another new Demotivator.  Another surprisingly generous promotion. Another installment- however slight- in the ongoing heroic saga of an unappreciated marketing peon toiling in the bowels of the world’s leading purveyor of goods for unappreciated peons toiling in the bowels of the rest of the world’s corporations.

Oops.

In my rush to get out yesterday’s Wailing List, I neglected to mention one important new addition to the Despair Video collection. I will do so now- apologizing first for sending you two mails within so short a window of time.

Fans of Mark Osborne’s Academy-Award nominated short-film masterpiece More will be pleased to note that we’ve increased the resolution of our online version of the film. And what’s more, we’ve actually added 3 commentary tracks for the film- right off of our Special-Edition DVD itself! (Available for sale below the movie itself, in case you missed it.)

The first track is Mark Osborne’s “Creative Commentary”, which offers rich, insightful perspectives on the storyline of the film itself.

Secondly, Mark offers a “Technical Commentary”, explaining how several specific shots in the film were accomplished- as well as how various special effects were achieved.

The final commentary track is from Dr. Kersten himself- who offers an executive’s penetrating perspective into the storyline of MORE.

These commentary tracks are just a fraction of the riches from the Special-Edition DVD. If you consider yourself a fan of great film, you owe it to yourself to pick up a copy of this two-DVD opus. Watch the hour-long documentary “Making More”, which shows how a team of only 6 people, working with an extremely primitive IMAX camera, managed to create this masterpiece. Browse through an additional hour of behind-the-scene footage - as the team documents their mishaps and frustrations in a pressure-cooker environment. Browse through over 100 photos from the shoot- with narration by Osborne. And enjoy two additional stop-motion films- contributed by crew members of More.

What more do you want? DVDTown.com said of the film itself, “The movie succeeds on every level and is a monument in American cinema” and then said of the DVD, “…this six-minute short has produce DVD material that puts the majority of Hollywood studios to shame… (It is) a must-own collection for aspiring independent filmmakers and those who enjoy the crafting of a film.”   (Read the Full DVD Town Reviews  - Part 1 | Part 2 )

In other words- if you don’t already own it, get it!