The Despair Inc. Blog

Oh yes! It’s back- and it’s bigger than ever! Despair is starting off 2010 with another of our beloved Caption Contests- and this time, we’re giving the winner $750! Wow! How’s THAT for inflation! So- prepare yourselves- one and all- for the battle of wits that pits you again thousands of your fellow demoralized, disgruntled, or disaffected Despair, Inc. fans!

I know most of you have figured out how this works by now- but for the new subscribers and/or the particularly slow long-time followers, here’s the rundown on the rules.

We’ve prepared a perfectly caption-worthy image. Now we’re calling on YOU to with with the perfect title & caption for it!

If your submitted caption is chosen to be the best- you’ll receive a check for $500- along with some other goodies (that may or may not be grabbed hastily from our “RETURNS” bin in the warehouse…)

Here’s how this all works…

From now until noon CDT on Tuesday, we are accepting your caption and title submissions. (Incidentally, the “TITLE” field is NOT asking for your job title… I can’t tell you how many captions I’ve seen that had titles like “INSURANCE ADJUSTER” or “EXECUTIVE CUSTOMER ASSISTANT IN TRAINING” or whatnot. We’re asking you to submit a title for your parody poster!)

When the Submission stage closes, then the Peer-review stage begins! From Tuesday at 12:01pm CDT through Wednesday at midnight CDT- YOU are allowed to vote on randomized, unedited submissions from other participants- should you want to do so.

PLEASE, PLEASE NOTE: I’ll repeat this once again. If you CHOOSE to join the Peer-Review stage, you are choosing to wade through a largely unedited sludge of user-generated (in some cases loser-generated) content. Don’t write angry mails to me about someone else’s caption submission- it’s not my fault! We’re trying to get a little bit better about purging obvious garbage from the user-generated datafile (vulgar or racist stuff, etc.) But you still may occasionally run into something bothersome or unimaginably stupid. That’s the price one pays for the opportunity to help find and elevate the occasional bits of brilliance that will most certainly be buried in this mess.

Again, to those of you willing to brave the wasteland in search of genius, we’re quite grateful for your efforts. That is why- once the contest is complete- we will again offer, for a very brief window- a chance for you to get a framed 5×7 of the winning design for free. But I’m getting ahead of myself… Where was I? Oh yes… Thursday.

On Thursday, we will announce between 6 to 12 semi-finalists from amongst the top contest vote-getters. If you don’t want to read through raw captions but you do want to vote on semi-finalists, you are more than welcome to do so. A final vote will be held starting Thursday afternoon to determine the final contest winner!

All you need to do in order to submit your entry (or entries) is visit this link. Remember, you have until Monday at midnight to submit your suggested caption(s)!

And- once again I’m inviting my Twitter followers- should they want to- to you Retweet the CONTEST invitation below. By doing so, you’ll automatically be registered for a chance to win $200. Simply cut and paste the blue text below into your Twitter update window and tweet it to the world!

DESPAIR.COM CONTEST: Write the best caption for this pic to win $750! http://bit.ly/1hk74 (Retweet 4 chance 2 win $200)

(Yet again, let me remind you: In order to qualify for the Twitter drawing, you need have at least 5 followers. And if it looks like all 5 of your followers were generated by YOU hastily so they can have fake conversations with you, you’ll be disqualified. Let that be a life lesson!

Now. Let my aimless prattling cease and your caption submissions begin!

Happy belated 2010! I’m glad to be back- and glad to kick the year off right with one of my favorite pieces of marketing copy in the entire Despair arsenal- the “BitterSweets” product sheet. As I mentioned last year, I earnestly attemped- once- to write my own BitterSweets marketing copy from the ground up. But after spending hours on it- I realized I simply had no hope of improving on the original (below). I only wish I could claim to have written it myself- but alas, that distinction falls to Despair’s most notoriously black-hearted writer (who I would name here by name were I not afraid of the potential repercussions. One doesn’t taunt the black-hearted needlessly, certainly not when they are higher-ranking on the org chart AND particularly cruel-humored.)

But one thing I will ADD before launching this is a never-before used coupon code. If you want to save 15% on any of our three-collection of “BitterSweets“- or on our 3-pack bundle- simply use the coupon code blackheart when placing your order- and save you will!

For those who missed the sneak-peak e-mail we sent a few days before New Year’s, Despair has both added BitterSweets candies back to our website and also introduced a new, limited-edition DespairWear t-shirt called Cupid Keeps Missing.

I have labored for hours in an attempt to write richer marketing copy than already has been written by our writing team about our BitterSweets candies. But that brilliant copy is simply impossible for me to improve upon. So I will break from my usual policy of avoiding large-scale cut-and-paste jobs, so that I can I bring these devastatingly crafted words to the attention of those of you who’ve missed out.

Bittersweets®

For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine’s Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear’s romantic indignities, today’s loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering.

Introducing Bittersweets®- The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us.

Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was “so totally way hotter.”

Now available in THREE unique collections- “Dejected”, “Dysfunctional”, and “Dumped”- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

“Dejected” sayings include:

I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE
MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA
WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE
“Dysfunctional” sayings include:

ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N
PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST
“Dumped” sayings include:

I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN
JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG
RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN
FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB

Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.

(You know what we’re talking about.)

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.

Order Yours Now!

THE LAST, BEST HOLIDAY DEAL IS HERE:

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT
Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20- and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

And here’s a bonus even I didn’t know about! For the duration of the promotion, Despairwear Tees will all be discounted to $15.95. That’s up to $4 the retail price- on some of the most comfortable, best-printed ironic tees known to mankind! Wow!

Don’t forget- anything you order should arrive before Christmas- even if you just use Standard Shipping- provided you are shipping to a U.S. address! (If any item is on delayed shipping or backorder, we will expressly tell you so on that item’s order page…) So go on, load up! You’ll never find a more satisfying set of gift choices for for that not so special pessimist, cynic, or underachiever in your workplace, or immediate or extended family!

Just remember. The clock is ticking. You need to place this order before Midnight CDT on Thursday in order to score all these extra drop-ins and get them in time for gift-giving. So tarry no longer!

* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.

Summary:
It’s the return of the promotion that yours truly
invented! Put simply, we’re giving you the chance to pick out
one free item from a list of several of our most popular products-
and we’ll give it to you. For free! All you have to do is spend
$19.95 on something (or combination of things). This year- we’re
even adding Laptop Skins to the mix! So, if you want to take
advantage of THE GIFT promotion, here are the coupon codes
you’ll need to know!

If you want a free Laptop Skin with
your order, use the coupon code: freelaptopskin

If you want a free Lithograph with
your order, use the coupon code: freelithograph

If you want a free Desktopper with
your order, use the coupon code: freedesktopper

If you want a free T-shirt with
your order, use the coupon code: freetee

REMEMBER:
These codes do not work until Monday morning at 12am CDT-
and they stop working Tuesday at midnight. Don’t try to use
them early- they won’t work!

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT

Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL
for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20-
and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

When you spend $20 or more, we’ll throw in a free Pessimist’s Mug!

When you spend $30 or more, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE 2010 Best of Demotivators calendar (with 4 free mini-prints!)!

When you spend $50 or more, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE Pessimist’s Shot Glass AND a FREE Pessimist’s Glass!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can
score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to
fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to
buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough
to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

So those are the deals, the dates, and the coupon codes necessary for you to participate- all you gotta do is pick the one(s) that suit(s) you best! Remember, as long as you’re shipping to a U.S. address, you should receive anything ordered before midnight CDT on Thursday 12/17 before Christmas! So if you’ve been procrastinating, not yet sure what to pick up for those difficult-to-shop-for curmudgeons in your workplace or family, the wait is over. We’ve got the perfect stuff to inflict pain on them all throughout 2010- and like I said, you don’t even have to tell them you didn’t have to pay for it! Bonus!

Happy holidays!


* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.

You’ve waited long enough! Every year in December- when the buying season is in full swing- Despair pulls out all the stops and gives procrastinating holiday shoppers the chance at an amazing deal. But this year- we’re outdoing ourselves- by letting you pick the deal that’s best for YOU! That makes this our biggest sale event EVER! And no matter which you choose, you’ll be able to get your gifts in time for holiday gifting!

HERE ARE THE DEALS!
(Pay attention- the dates and the details are important!)

DEAL 1 – FREE SHIPPING

Duration: Thursday 12/10 through Sunday 12/13
Duration: Thursday 12/10 through Sunday 12/13

Summary:
You can have free shipping on any domestic order.
Simply use the coupon code freeship. (And hey there all
you non-Americans- while we can’t give you free shipping, we can
give you $10 off our International shipping. Just use the coupon code
unamerican and see your shipping fees drop dramatically!
(Please note- you do need to spend at least $20 for that code
to work. But come on, how hard is that?)

DEAL 2 – THE GIFT

Duration: Monday 12/14 through Tuesday 12/15

Summary:
It’s the return of the promotion that yours truly
invented! Put simply, we’re giving you the chance to pick out
one free item from a list of several of our most popular products-
and we’ll give it to you. For free! All you have to do is spend
$19.95 on something (or combination of things). This year- we’re
even adding Laptop Skins to the mix! So, if you want to take
advantage of THE GIFT promotion, here are the coupon codes
you’ll need to know!

If you want a free Laptop Skin with
your order, use the coupon code: freelaptopskin

If you want a free Lithograph with
your order, use the coupon code: freelithograph

If you want a free Desktopper with
your order, use the coupon code: freedesktopper

If you want a free T-shirt with
your order, use the coupon code: freetee

REMEMBER:
These codes do not work until Monday morning at 12am CDT-
and they stop working Tuesday at midnight. Don’t try to use
them early- they won’t work!

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT

Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL
for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20-
and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

When you spend $20 or more, we’ll throw in a free Pessimist’s Mug!

When you spend $30 or more, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE 2010 Best of Demotivators calendar (with 4 free mini-prints!)!

When you spend $50 or more, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE Pessimist’s Shot Glass AND a FREE Pessimist’s Glass!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can
score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to
fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to
buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough
to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

So those are the deals, the dates, and the coupon codes necessary for you to participate- all you gotta do is pick the one(s) that suit(s) you best! Remember, as long as you’re shipping to a U.S. address, you should receive anything ordered before midnight CDT on Thursday 12/17 before Christmas! So if you’ve been procrastinating, not yet sure what to pick up for those difficult-to-shop-for curmudgeons in your workplace or family, the wait is over. We’ve got the perfect stuff to inflict pain on them all throughout 2010- and like I said, you don’t even have to tell them you didn’t have to pay for it! Bonus!

Happy holidays!


* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.

Limited Edition Santa Shirt

ONLY 1000 SHIRTS WILL BE SOLD. EVER. (WOMEN’S VERSION ALSO AVAILABLE.)

Hark! December 1st is almost upon us- and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for Despair to reveal this year’s Limited-Edition Christmas tee! And this year’s brilliant new design is as gorgeous as it is timely- as Santa Claus himself is forced to contend with the disastrous economic times. At Santa’s Toy Factory, it’s all gotta go- and it’s all gotta go NOW!

And this year’s Christmas Tee includes a special bonus! Each shirt ships complete with a Christmas letter from Santa himself! Read it and weep- for real!

As always- only 1,000 of these beauties will be produced and sold! And, if history is any indicator, they are likely to sell out faster than you can say, “Boy I wonder how long it’ll be before those t-shirt sell out?”!

Also, as before, this particular tee is available in men’s and women’s versions- and will make you the talk of the Christmas party this year even faster than getting blitzed on egg nog and making out with the office “(woman or man of ill-repute)*”. And won’t YOU be the hit at all the stores this year- with all the forlorn shoppers envying you and and the retailers awkwardly attempting to escort you and your stylishly glum tee AWAY from the premises with a quickness!

Ah- but yet again, I anticipate your question! Why would we only produce 1,000 if we know we could sell more than that? The answer is the same as before- Limited-Edition means we’re limiting the editions! It’s our way of making one product every year just a little bit more more special than all the other overpriced “(quality satirical merchandise)*” we produce!

PLEASE NOTE: Orders including this tee will ship by or before the 11th. So get them NOW if you are going to get them!

*EDITOR NOTE: The author’s original word choices have been modified in order to reduce the likelihood of offense during the holiday season. Thank you for your understanding.

Been Bad this Year? That's Okay, Santa's offering a Last Minute Chance to Make Things Right.