Are you ready for a SoftWear Upgrade?

Well, ready or not, here they come! And first in the lineup is a revolutionary leap in personalized ironic wear- our Personalized Mugshot Tees.

For the first time ever, we’re able to produce fully customizable t-shirts ON DEMAND- granting you, the discerning cynic, even greater firepower in your war against mundane clothing!

Our Personalized Mugshot Tee allow you to choose the name printed on the Police placard, as well as the ability to select the specific crime that individual has been arrested for. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!

What about a personalized “PUBLIC INTOXICATION” tee for that coworker who got just a weeeeeeeee bit drunk at the last company outing? Or how about a t-shirt identifying that overbearing alpha-male lunkhead in your life as being guilty of “IMPERSONATING A MAN”? Or what about buying an “INDECENT EXPOSURE” tee for that woefully immodest lady-of-ill-repute who you unfortunately have to call “Sis”. The possibilities are as limitless as your liability!

Yes, this level of fully customizable awesomeness doesn’t come cheap- in fact, it’s costing us a fortune to print these babies! And- to the rest of the profane riffraff out there in the world, this level of badassicality is retailing for a respectable $29.95.

But for you, Wailing List subscriber, we introducing them at “a very special price”.

If you want to pick up YOUR fully Personalized Mugshot Tee for $6 less than retail, all you need to do is use the coupon code shoplifting when placing your order. It’s good for 20% off any and all Personalized Mugshot Tee that you purchase by Sunday!

And hey, that’s not all! Speaking of Soft Wear Upgrades, we’ve also just updated our Social Media Venn Diagram Tee to Version 2.0.1. Now with foursquare compatibility!

If you’re not exactly sure WHY we decided to give Foursquare that particular honor in our upgraded design, here’s a helpful hint.

And hey- if you’re looking to upgrade your Social Media Tee, you can get in on the same Soft Wear Upgrade discount program we’re offering for the Mugshot Tees. Just use the coupon code shoplifting and you’ll pick up that t-shirt for 20% off! That’s only $12.76 a tee! And it still includes all those shiny colors- at no extra charge!

Remember, this coupon code expires on Sunday. So if you want to get in on these sweet deals, you gotta move!

FATHER’S DAY IS JUNE 20TH- AND WE’RE HERE TO HELP!
(But please pay attentions- the details are important!)

Duration: NOW through Tuesday June 8thIt’s the rare return of my most favorite of promotions (since, uh, I invented it myself…). That’s right- it’s THE GIFT! Put simply, this is the promo where we give Wailing List subscribers like yourselves the chance to GET ONE FREE GIFT from a list of several of our most popular products! Yes, for free! All you have to do is spend $29.95 on something (or combination of things- including your FREEBIE). Then, use the coupon code- and viola!

Just so there’s no confusion- here’s an example!

You put two of our beautiful 24″x30″ Lithographs into your shopping cart. The total? $31.90. Then you apply the coupon- and suddenly, your order total is $15.95! You just got a free $15.95 poster!

And guess what? This time around, we’ve even added Mousepads to the mix! So you’ve got NO EXCUSE not to take advantage of this great promotion while you can! Getting a cynical humor product for your perpetually grumpy Dad is thoughtless enough- how much moreso when you don’t even really pay for it? You can’t put a PRICE on that kind of thoughtlessness! (‘Cause it’s, uh, well, you know… Free.) Ready to take advantage of this amazing, limited-time super-deal? Here are the coupon codes you’ll need to know!

If you want a free Laptop Skin with your order,
use the coupon code: freelaptopskin

If you want a free Lithograph with your order,
use the coupon code: freelithograph

If you want a free Desktopper with your order,
use the coupon code: freedesktopper

If you want a free T-shirt with your order,
use the coupon code: freetee

If you want a free Mousepads with your order,
use the coupon code: freemousepad

REMEMBER:
These codes expire Tuesday the 8th- at midnight Central Time- so use them or lose them! And remember, by ordering during THIS promotion, you’ll also be helping me to look like a badass before my college-educated marketing “superiors”- who think the idea of a “brilliant” marketing promotion is one in which they end up with an even more vaunted job title on their business card and even more take home pay than they already bank. Like they don’t make enough already! (Yes, I’m talking to YOU, H.J.!)

So what are you waiting for? Start loading up! NOW!!!!!!!!!!

This week, rather than introducing a new product, Despair is throwing a bone to all the whiners out there who complain about our shipping charges being exorbitant. Even you international whiners!

For our American customers, we’re offering a return of our FREE SHIPPING PROMOTION. All you need to do to take advantage of it is place an order for at least $19.95 worth of goods- and use the code shipitfreetome.

If you live outside the United States, and you want to get FREE SHIPPING, well, sorry, we can’t quite do THAT! But we can give you at least a little help, seeing as we usually do gank y’all in particular when it comes to shipping rate calculation. (Call it the Revenge of the Weak Dollar Policy…) If you unAmerican folks out there place an order for at least $29.95 worth of product, you can get $10 in credit on your International Shipping fees by using the coupon code yougreedyyanks.

(Both codes expire on Sunday.)

So- what are you waiting for? Start making our already overworked customer disservice employees even more miserable! Get shopping! Pick up some DespairWear Tees, or some Demotivator Lithographs. Or better yet, check out our just-expanded collection of badassical Laptop Skins and Mousepads! (Click on the “Non Demotivator Designs” to see a great many new choices of either! And do it now!)

Every once in awhile, Despair’s generally lackluster writing staff ends up being especially productive on a topic, producing two-or-more variations on the same basic theme. Such was the case with our BP t-shirt.

Two equally strong executions made it to final round- the shirt you’ve previously seen, and the one you now see at the top of this e-mail, “The Spill Tee“.

We decided, after much bickering, to produce both versions of the tee. The former, a text-based bit of culture jamming, and the latter, a wordless bit of artistic satire.

Now, some of you will rightly wonder- “Why didn’t you roll these out both at the same time?”" The answer is, “We’re idiots, that’s why. Now are you satisfied?”

But- knowing that we may have inadvertently denied you the design you’d have preferred, we are extending the duration of our earlier coupon code. You know, the shortest one we’ve ever used in the history of Despair? Because too many people screwed up the longer, funnier version? In case you forgot- or you didn’t notice is it PRINTED ON THE T-SHIRT ITSELF- here is the coupon code:

BP

That code is valid for a week. BP. If you use that code, you’ll still get the 25% discount on the BP t-shirt.

I don’t even know what to say, other than I hope that the particular quipster in the Product Development department who came up with this t-shirt has a really good life insurance policy. I foresee an unexpected brake failure in his future. I wonder if I’m making myself a target just by even talking about this? I really should probably just shut up now. After stating my unequivocal disapproval of a shirt which mocks one of the largest and most powerful oil interests in the world, regardless of whether their less than stellar safety record might warrant it.

If any of you want to save 25% on this t-shirt, use the coupon code bringingoiltoamericanshores. This code is valid through Friday, I think. Which may be longer than the shirt is available for sale, if history is any guide.

UPDATE: BLACKOUT PROMO IS OVER

Starting Tuesday, April 12th at Noon CST
OUR Greatest Sales Event of the Year RETURNS!

SPECIAL NOTE: Before I even launch into my typical rambling promotional e-mail, which I highly encourage you to read in its entirety, I’m going to do a favor for those of you who have other more pressing matters demanding your attention (however unlikely that is) and for those of you who have some sort of attention deficit disorder. I am putting the MOST IMPORTANT FACTS about this Blackout Promotion just below this in Bold Red Type. If you do nothing else, please read the FOUR IMPORTANT FACTS:

1) This promotion begins at Noon Central Standard Time on Tuesday, April 12th- and not a minute before. (I’m very sorry it didn’t launch as originally planned earlier on Monday- our e-mail service provider had technical problems!)

2) Sale items will NOT be discounted until the promotion begins. So don’t try to order early or you won’t save any money.

3) If you want to score the free Insight Desktopper, you MUST add it to your cart. It won’t be included with your order otherwise.

4) Lastly, certain links in this e-mail WILL NOT WORK until after the promotion begins- namely, any links pertaining to Despair’s new Mousepad line. (I put that link in as a test of your attention span. If you clicked on it- and found yourself redirected to the Despair.com website, then you just punk’d yourself, beets!)

(We now return to your regularly scheduled Blackout promotional e-mail… Get comfortable!)

It’s time. Time once again for Despair’s Greatest Sales Event of the Year, the Blackout! It’s our Private, Exclusive Sale for You, the Readers of Despair.com‘s Sporadically E-Mailed and Haphazardly Sent Newsletter, The Wailing List. For 48-hours only, we are discounting nearly everything in the store to prices so low they’re almost reasonable!

But incredible discounts aren’t the only benefit of a Blackout Sale… For the duration of the sale, we’re offering freebies with any order! Want to get free Insight Desktopper with your order? Just add one to your shopping cart and it’s yours! Want to get a free Insight poster with your order? Just Buy Any Poster and we’ll slip in a free one. Want to get a free as-yet-unavailable Economics poster? Just order a second poster and we’ll include it- along with the aforementioned free Insight poster! (BTW- you won’t see either of those posters appear in your shopping cart when you place the order- just trust us… We’ll get them in there!)

But those freebies are only the start- because we’re also offering these incredible discounts!

For 48-hours only, all Demotivator® Lithographs are $9.95 (that $6.95 off- a nearly 40% discount!)

All Desktoppers are $11.95 (that’s $4 less, or over 25% off!)

All DespairWear is $12.95 (that’s up to $7- or up to 35% off!)

All Laptop Skins are $12.95 (that’s $7 off- and 35% off- too!)

And guess what? We’re also introducing an entirely new product line- Mousepads! And for 48-hours only, we’re selling them for $9.95!

(That’s $3 off their future retail price of $12.95 each!) And not only are we including ten Demotivator(R) designs, we’re also making several other hilarious designs available- including mousepad versions of popular DespairWear designs like the Social Media Venn Diagram, The Toyota Slogan, Vote Whig, Too Big To Fail, and many, many more!

So check yourself before you wet yourself (while I drop in a picture below to further illustrate the point that this particular new product line is especially worthy of your attention…)

And- as awesome as all that is- we’re going even further! Not only have we discounted all of our Build-Your-Own-Calendars by 35% for 48-hours, we’ve also updated them to include Summertime Start Months! That means you can now order fully-customized Demotivators Calendars for all the gift-giving holidays that are quickly coming up in the months ahead!

“What gift-giving holidays are you talking about?”, some of you might be wondering.

Well, Mother’s Day is May 9th, for example. And Father’s Day is June 20th. And of course Cow Appreciation Day falls on July 15th, for all your farmer out there who are looking to Demotivate(tm) any special heifers in your employ.

And hey, we’ve still got a couple thousand of our Pre-Printed 2010 Greatest Hits Calendars left in inventory, and we’re going to discount them to $7.95 just to get them out of the warehouse. Please, order some. They’re gorgeous, and ship complete with 4 beautiful mini-prints. Plus, the pallet they are sitting on is right next to the shrink-wrap machine- and that device puts out an incredible amount of heat. I’m worried that this is some kind of fire hazard and we’d really appreciate it if you’d do you part to reduce the immolation risk to warehouse employees because apparently it’s too much work for the foreman to slide a pallet jack under that baby and move it to a different part of the building… Please- save them!

IN CLOSING:

Please note: Did I mention how important it was to pay attention to those FOUR IMPORTANT FACTS at the beginning? I’m sure if you made it this far, you probably aced that part. But still, I just really don’t want anyone to chumpatize themselves.

Also please note: Did you make it all the way to the end? I’m so impressed! I’m going to reward you for your diligence by telling you a secret… I lowered the price for Pessimist’s Shot Glass to $0 for the first one you add to your cart. (Any subsequent ones added to your cart will be full-price.) So go ahead, treat yourself to a freebie! My only request: please limit your shot glasses to one-per-order if you can. We’ve only got 800 or so in stock, and any ones you buy will take away from freebies other later customers might pick up. Thanks in advance for your consideration.

That’s all. See you Tuesday at noon at Despair.com.