The Despair Inc. Blog

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches- we’ve received more and more emails and phone calls from folks asking (frequently with a petulant huff), “What happened to the Retirement Party page- I bookmarked it, but now it’s gone- right when I was ready to shop!” or “Where are those Clearance Sale items I saw? I was going to pick up some posters for (INSERT NAME OF PERSON THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE MUCH ABOUT HERE)- but now I can’t! Help!”

The answer- then and now- is that Despair only puts Clearance Items on the website once-in-a-blue-moon, when we’re trying to free up a few palettes in the warehouse for new overpriced swag, or for Fall Catalogs, or for beer or something.

Sadly, as I’ve pointed out more than once, some folks out there simply don’t read our Wailing List promotions very carefully. (I know it’s not the best written newsletter in the world- as I can reliably receive dozens-to-hundreds of emails of rebuke or correction after any grammatical error or spelling mistake. Thank you SOOOO much for that, by the way… Like I don’t have enough problems…)

Because folks frequently DON’T read carefully enough, they often reach incorrect conclusions. Such as those folks who operated under the false assumption that- when it came time to do some holiday shopping, they’d be able to find a bunch of bargain-basement posters or retired DespairWear tees at Despair.com… Despair doesn’t keep clearance items perpetually on the site- especially not when catalogs start being mailed!

Nevertheless, we’ve received enough sad sack sob stories from people who made an ASS out of U and ME to briefly offer a respite. But listen carefully. We’re putting them back on the website for 6 hours only. We don’t want this sale to end up on dozens of coupon code and bargain hunter websites and end up being enjoyed by those who aren’t core customers. So you’ll have to get in- do your shopping fast- and get out.

If you missed out and you want a chance at discontinued DespairWear tees for $7.95 to 9.95, or discontinued Demotivator lithographs for $6.95, or Demotivator vinyl adhesives for $7.95, or whatever- you’ll have to visit this link starting tomorrow morning at 8am Central Time. You will have until 2pm to get in and grab what you want and close the sale.

PLEASE NOTE: The username and password WILL NOT WORK until tomorrow morning at 8am. So don’t write emails saying,”I can’t get this to work!” because it will not work until the morning.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: The discounted 12 month Demotivator calendars will be still be discounted to $15.95 until 2pm, as well. After that, they return to their standard price of $19.95.

My apologies to those of you on the other side of the globe who might be forced to shopping at some strange hour in order to get in on the deal. I know most folks would prefer to shop while they are at work- rather than have to give up valuable free time at home. But I’d still encourage you to set an alarm and take advantage of this. Y’all frequently get hosed on the international shipping rates and the various extortion rackets your Customs Offices run- but if you make the effort to order during this 6 hour window, it still might net out as a bargain for you in the end. And that’s DEFINITELY not something that happens every day!

So. Any questions? I recommend you send them to me via Twitter. It’s easier / faster for me to handle them there. Plus the 140-character limit spares you my characteristic verbosity… Which has been on full display in the course of this email.

Hasta!

REMEMBER!

The USERNAME is whiners. The PASSWORD is begone. The link is here. And the 6 hour sale window lasts from 8am Central Time to 2pm.

 

 

To celebrate the completion of our Fall Catalog, Despair’s throwing a 24-hour party!
(And incredibly, you’re invited!)

Okay folks- this is another one of those PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE YOU MIGHT MISS OUT ON SOME AWESOMENESS IF YOU DON’T sort-of emails! I’ll be as succinct as I can be, though my instinctive verbosity is no secret to you and there’s every chance my attempts at a concise summation will go horribly, horribly wrong. Here’s the scoop on “The Wrap Party”:

As of this weekend, Despair’s writers and the marketing dorks managed to complete work on the 2009 Fall Catalog. Very soon, hundreds of thousands of catalogs will be in the mail, arriving perhaps in a mailbox near you.

Like every Holiday Catalog we mail, its purpose will be to plug calendars, and DespairWear, and all the new stuff we’ve created this year- along with longstanding favorites. And- as is typically the case for us- the catalog will be printed and mailed with little in the way of product discounts or freebies. That is what The Wrap Party is all about.

In the brief time before the catalog arrives, Despair is having a final big giveaway promotion- the sort we only have a few times a year (and almost never have once the catalogs start mailing).

So- what’s the Wrap-Party got to offer YOU?

1) FREE LITHOGRAPHS - This is the best lithograph deal we’ve ever done- so of course it will only be running for 24 hours. Here’s the scoop… If you buy ANY 24×30 LITHOGRAPH, Despair will automatically include our brand-new lithographs for CHALLENGES and PERSEVERANCE- for FREE! Yes, that really means BUY ONE GET TWO FREE. But because this deal is so generous, we’re only offering it for a day. So if you want to pick up 3 gorgeous posters for the price of 1, you have to order a poster TODAY. (NOTE: You will not see the two freebie posters appear in your shopping cart… This is like a trust-fall where you’ll just have to take our word that we’re really giving you two-free-with-any-one-purchased. Are you ready to take the fall?)

2) DISCOUNTED BRAND-NEW DESKTOPPERS - As of today, Despair is releasing THREE brand-new Demotivators! They are CREATIVITY (written by ME!), ECONOMICS, and SERVICE. And- for 24 hours only- these three desktoppers are available for $11.95 instead of $15.95. The prices will be raised tomorrow- so we can charge catalog recipients full-price for these awesome new additions to the Demotivator family- so HURRY!

A Celebration of Human Misery, Incompetence and Hubris

3) DISCOUNTED 12-MONTH CALENDARS - We are now adding FUNNY DATES to our 12-MONTH Calendars- just as we previously did to our 16-Month. And for FREE. And- for 24-hours only- we’re making that normally $19.95 calendar available for $15.95. That’s 25% off- or something close to that, anyway. It’s the cheapest price you’ll get this year for a fully-customizable Demotivators calendar crammed-full of funny, weird, depressing historical dates. This too lasts only 24-hours! Are you seeing the pattern yet, Brewster?

4) FREE SHIPPING ON DOMESTIC ORDERS OVER $40 - Typically, our threshold for free U.S. shipping is $50 worth of products. Once this promotion is over, the $50 minimum for free shipping will return. (You get one guess when this promotion is over… Just one.)

5) GLASSWARE IS BACK! - Many of you have found, to your annoyance, that Despair was backordered on many of our beautiful glassware items- such as the Points-Of-View Glass, variations of our Pessimist’s Glasses, and many of our Demotivators Mugs. Well guess what- we’ve taken them off backorder- so if you’re looking to score one or more, now is the time!)

Are you excited? So are we! If you feel prompted, you are more than welcome to RETWEET the following little blurblette, plugging our three hilarious and incisive new Demotivators:

Despair.com Adds New Demotivators! CREATIVITY- http://cli.gs/n6rNRg ECONOMICS- http://cli.gs/Nstn1M SERVICE- http://cli.gs/ThnTMb

So- that’s the scoop on the Wrap Party. It’s a great deal that- like so many other great deals- can’t last long, because it’s TOO great. So stop sitting there with your jaw hanging open and start buying stuff- before you miss your chance!

Did I mention three awesome new Demotivators? Well, so I did… But I didn’t embed images of them above- because I figured hyperlinks would be enough. Yet some of you are STILL READING- long after you should have stopped and started buying stuff slavishly upon my prior suggestion. So I assume you need just a little bit more encouragement in order to act. Well- here it is- some embedded pics of those three new designs…

(Now- for the last time- GO! Go and at least pick up a CREATIVITY Desktopper- so you’ll make me look brilliant in front of my peers!)(

Summertime is here- and that can only mean one thing- it is bloody SEARING in TEXAS! In fact, it’s so dang HOT here we are practically CRAZY FROM THE HEAT! Can I get a witness?! Thank you, Dave!

Just how CRAZY are we really? What if I were to tell you that Despair is selling some of our best-loved Demotivator Lithographs for only $2! No, I’m not kidding! We’re saying goodbye to some old favorites- classics like “Pessimism” and “Agony”, and newer beauties like “Dreams” and “Give Up”- and many, many more! And if you act fast, you’ll have a chance to pick up several of those babies for $2- that’s 90% off the retail price!

I’ve never seen them do THAT before! But we’re trying to clear up space in the warehouse to make room for our revolutionary Fall lineup! And this is how we do it!

We’re also getting rid of the last few hundred of our 2008 model Pessimist’s Mugs (both screen-printed and etched!). And you can pick your first one up for $2! (Or $3 if you want the etched mug!) They’re almost- but not quite- as gorgeous as our 2009 upgrade versions- but at those prices, WHO CARES WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?! And at those rates, expect these to be gone in a manner of minutes!

But wait- we’re not only permanently retiring 19 of our beloved 24″x30″ lithographs, and not only liquidating some perfectly fine 2nd generation Pessimist’s Mugs, we’re also offering AMAZING discounts on a wide variety of soon-to-be-retired DespairWear Tees!

We’re offering 50% on some gorgeous designs- including several 6-8 color Demotivator Tees! Mistakes, Wishes, Consistency, Burnout & Worth! All available for $9.95! (Only While supplies last!)

And there are a LOT more than just those tees- in fact, there are 24 additional shirts available for $9.95- including (I can’t believe they are doing this!!!) the few Executive Edition Frowny Tees we have left in stock. Those things COST US over $35 to make! But we’re getting rid of the 20 or so Small and Mediums that we still have in stock for 9.95! (Attention little ladies- those are sized for you! They are SO soft and cozy it’s like wrapping yourself in the velvety fur of some impossibly cuddly endangered species! But it costs less than a pack of Sham-Wows! That’s no SHAM- but it’s making me wanna say “WOW”!)

Do NOT miss out on your last chance to own some true Despair classics before they go away forever! Seriously- I can’t emphasize this strongly enough even if I use some idiotic font size for emphasis again… THESE ARE THE STEEPEST DISCOUNTS DESPAIR HAS EVER OFFERED! And if you choose to sit this one out because you’re hoping for, oh, I don’t know, a 95% sale at some point down the road, then your head is going to transmogrify into a giant lollipop and you’ll find yourself nearly deafened by a particularly humiliating punchline, all while the at home audience laughs hysterically at you for being a CHUMP!  Don’t Chumpatize Yourselves! And don’t sit there thinking, “Oh, why bother? This’ll probably take 6 weeks to ship like my Blackout order did- and by the time I get it, I’ll probably regret ordering it in the first place… Wowzy wowzy woo woo!” Why shouldn’t you? Because all of these Retirement Party items are in-stock and able to ship NOW! That means they’ll leave the warehouse within 24-48 hours of your order placement and be there before the Buyer’s Remorse really takes hold and makes you regret that you even ordered! Wicked!

Now stop reading this stupid e-mail and start shopping before all the good stuff is gone! Good luck!

The Blackout Returns. Bigtime.

 

Today at Noon, The Greatest Sales Event of the Year is BACK!

Starting at 12:00 PM CST   •   For 48 hours only.

(Read this E-Mail CAREFULLY, Please, or Risk Missing Out on the Deal of an Admittedly Depressing Lifetime!)

 Yes, it’s the sale so absolutely staggering in its disproportionate generosity that many would-be customers are certain it must be a joke. A sale- from Despair, Incorporated no less- which offers not only staggering discounts on the majority of products at Despair.com- but even more incredibly, unbelievably compelling freebies for nearly everyone who places an order!

And this year’s Freebies are without a doubt the most generous we’ve ever offered in a Blackout sale. Because during THIS promotion, we’re celebrating the 10th anniversary of our famed Pessimist’s Mug by introducing an awe-inspiring expansion of the product line- an entire collection of Pessimist’s Glassware! And we’re giving them away! But first- the discounts!

For 48-hours only, all Demotivator® Lithographs are $9.95 ($6.95 off!)

All Desktoppers are $12.95 ($3 off!)

All DespairWear is $14.95 (up to $5 off!)

All 4-color Mugs are $7.95 ($3 off!) 

And guess what, our Summer-Edition Build-Your-Own-Calendars are all discounted by 25% or more- and, for the duration of the Blackout, all customized dates in our Standard & Special-Edition (8.5″ x 11″) Calendars are provided free-of-charge for the duration of the promotion. Wickedosity!

And Now For the FREEBIES- from our New-And-Improved Pessimist’s Glassware Collection! (Email continues after the pic- so keep reading!)

 

If you’re one of the first 1,000 customers to place an order in the Blackout, you’ll automatically receive a FREE, 10th Anniversary Edition Version of Our Classic Pessimist’s Mug. (What’s different about it? Why, it’s got considerably classier type this time around- and there’s not a gigantic “www.despair.com” on the face of the mug anymore! SWANK!)

If your order includes $25 worth of product, you’ll get a FREE, 15 oz. Pessimist’s Glass with your order! Nice!

But hold on! If you spend over $35 on products during this Blackout, you’ll ALSO get our utterly fantastically, entirely brand-new Points-Of-View Pint Glass for FREE!

And- to even OUR amazement- if you order $50 or more on goods from Despair.com, you’ll receive THREE ADDITIONAL PESSIMIST’S GLASSES! Bringing your set to an even four! They’re the perfect glassware for entertaining some of your least entertaining friends! AMAZING!

For those of you wanting to order ADDITIONAL Pessimist’s Glassware- Shot Glasses, Drinking Glasses, or Mugs- you can do so here.

IN CLOSING: PLEASE READ CAREFULLY! Remember- the Blackout begins at 12pm Noon (CST). Whatever you do, DON’T start ordering stuff before Noon and then complain that you didn’t see the discounts we promised, and didn’t get the freebies we hyped once your order arrived. Orders placed before Noon CST will not be considered BLACKOUT orders and thus will not enjoy the amazing discounts and freebies! And many items will not be added to the Despair.com website until 12, either- so just WAIT until then to act!

Also please note: Orders placed during this Blackout should ship by or before the week of 05/25. There’s a LOT of new stuff here- some of it we’re still waiting to receive in our warehouse. So be patient with us. These kinda crazy discounts and giveaways are so generous to you that the least you can do is cut us some slack on the fulfillment end of things.

That’s all. See you at Noon at Despair.com. 

(It’s the Brief Return of Our Most Generous Sales Promo Ever!)

(Please read this email very carefully. People didn’t bother to read it closely last time,then got mad at ME because they couldn’t follow instructions! It’s not my fault you’ve got A.D.D.! Blame your parents for plopping your toddler butt in front of the television instead of making you read some LITERATURE every once in a while! Not that this is literature, mind you, though you could be forgiven for thinking it was- given how bloody wordy this opening preamble is. Blame MY parents for acting like every little trivial utterance from my mouth was sheer brilliance*.)

BEGINNING IN 7 HOURS- AT 12AM CST ON WEDNESDAY MORNING-
DESPAIR.COM INVITES YOU TO PICK OUT YOUR VERY FAVORITE LITHOGRAPH, DESKTOPPER,
4-COLOR MUG OR DESPAIRWEAR T-SHIRT. AND WE’LL GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FREE.

That’s right. This April Fools’ Day, Despair, Inc. is revisiting our most beloved promotion ever- The Gift. For 48-hours only, Wailing List subscribers like yourself have a chance to choose your most favorite item- from our collection of over 20 4-color Demotivator mugs, over 100 desktoppers, over 35 DespairWear tees or 60 lithographs- and we’ll give it to you for FREE. (As long as your order size is at least $20 and you use the right coupon code. And no, we’re not paying for shipping! Who do you think are, Frankie Valli or something? Get over yourself AGAIN!)

Oh but wait- guess what? If your product order total is over $35, we’ll actually throw in a FREE PESSIMIST’S MUG. We didn’t do THAT in our last Gift Promotion! (NOTE: The Pessimist’s Mug will NOT appear in your cart- but WILL be included if your PRODUCT ORDER TOTAL is $35 or greater. This is like a Trust Fall- where you trust us, even if we’re figuratively sporting a mega-mullet like the beets in the aforementioned clip…)

Oh OH! Wait WAIT! What’s that? If you spend over $50 on products- we actually WILL ship it to you for FREE via UPS Ground! (Provided that you live in the United States. Sorry Canada- but don’t worry- we’ll annex you soon enough. And then you’ll get to participate in Free Shipping promotions like this. As you pay for your goods with Ameros…)

At the risk of causing you to burst asunder with excitement, I have even more good news! We’re unveiling even more NEW PRODUCTS in this very promotion- any one of which can be yours for free if you so choose! Starting with 2 New 4-color Demotivator Mugs- Blogging and Corruption!

So- if you want your free gift to be one of our 4-color mugs, just use the coupon code IMaFOOLforMUGS.

But hey- maybe you’re a fan of DespairWear… Maybe you’d like to snag a FREE t-shirt from our famed collection! I’ve got good news for you, too, as we just recently added a NEW, long-requested Demotivator design to the DespairWear Collection. It’s the Limitations T-Shirt!

If you’d like your free gift to be something from our DespairWear Collection, simply use the coupon code IMaFOOLforDESPAIRWEAR when placing your order. (PLEASE NOTE: If ordering 2XL or 3XL sizes, the code is valid for $18.95 out of $20.95. Those anorexic pervs at American Apparel charge us a lot more for the larger sized tees… Sorry!)

If you’d rather that your free gift be a Demotivators Lithograph, simply use the coupon code IMaFOOLforLITHOGRAPHS.

And lastly, if you’d rather that your free gift be a Demotivator Desktopper, just use the coupon code, IMaFOOLforDESKTOPPERS.

Now- normally, I’d launch into a series of tangents at this point. Perhaps coming up with yet another reason why you should consider following my Twitter feed…

Would that I had the spare time, I’d specifically mention that the Twitter Feed is also the gateway to my TwitPic page, which was recently sponsored by Maxoderm, Xanadu, Talisker 10 Year, or a certain establishment’s very recent, er, Blowout Sale. But if you had endured all that mind-rotting garbage, you might have actually spent a moment being edified by a wrenchingly poignant poem by Ted Hughes. (Or maybe you’d have just suffered through yet another moment of self-indulgence by the Gen-X version of George Lucas…)

But I don’t have time for any of that sort of self-celebrating nonsense… Because we’re less than half-a-day-away from the Most Generous Sales Promotion Despair Is Going to Have In The Next Many Months. So I’ll restrain myself and save that bit of vanity for a later issue of The Wailing List.

*Or so I liked to pretend… As I sat alone in my room. My only company a 2XL Toy Robot who I mistakenly believed to be alive. And my best friend. And interested in every little dumb thing I had to say… You’ve got your troubles… I’ve got mine. Bed-wetting was one of them, back in the day. But I’m OVER that now, Ladies. Totally. It hasn’t been a problem in like MONTHS. Despite the nefarious temptations of Jesse & Jeane Stern.

 

It’s that time of year again. The time when we say our final goodbyes to inventory we no longer plan to restock and sell at Despair.com. The time where we bid adieu to some long-cherished lithographs, t-shirts, and other goods. Some are classics, others clunkers. But ALL of them are priced to sell! What does that mean? It means discounts of up to 60% off retail!

Yes, we’re stacking ‘em deep and sellin’ em cheap! But at prices this low, most of these items are certain to sell out quickly- and never return. Never again will you be able to purchase certain classic lithographs like “Pessimism”, “Underachievement”, or “Dysfunction” (and never before could you pick them up for only $7.95 each!). Never again will you have a chance to own our rare, limited-run black “Irony” shirt, or Silver-edition i > u tee.

And are we really selling our luxurious, impossibly comfortable Executive Edition embroidered Frowny shirts (depicted above) for 50% off? Even when the shirt itself cost us more than $40 to produce?! Yes, we bloody well are!

All of these bargains- and a great many more- are available exclusively to you as yet another privilege of your membership in The Wailing List. But please note- it’s first come, first serve. And within a very short span of time, many of these items will have sold out forever. So if you’re the bargain hunting sort, or perhaps you’ve long had your eye on a certain poster or t-shirt- but simply couldn’t afford the standard purchase price- this is your chance to save a fortune. So act on it!