The Despair Inc. Blog

THE LAST, BEST HOLIDAY DEAL IS HERE:

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT
Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20- and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

And here’s a bonus even I didn’t know about! For the duration of the promotion, Despairwear Tees will all be discounted to $15.95. That’s up to $4 the retail price- on some of the most comfortable, best-printed ironic tees known to mankind! Wow!

Don’t forget- anything you order should arrive before Christmas- even if you just use Standard Shipping- provided you are shipping to a U.S. address! (If any item is on delayed shipping or backorder, we will expressly tell you so on that item’s order page…) So go on, load up! You’ll never find a more satisfying set of gift choices for for that not so special pessimist, cynic, or underachiever in your workplace, or immediate or extended family!

Just remember. The clock is ticking. You need to place this order before Midnight CDT on Thursday in order to score all these extra drop-ins and get them in time for gift-giving. So tarry no longer!

* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.

You’ve waited long enough! Every year in December- when the buying season is in full swing- Despair pulls out all the stops and gives procrastinating holiday shoppers the chance at an amazing deal. But this year- we’re outdoing ourselves- by letting you pick the deal that’s best for YOU! That makes this our biggest sale event EVER! And no matter which you choose, you’ll be able to get your gifts in time for holiday gifting!

HERE ARE THE DEALS!
(Pay attention- the dates and the details are important!)

DEAL 1 – FREE SHIPPING

Duration: Thursday 12/10 through Sunday 12/13
Duration: Thursday 12/10 through Sunday 12/13

Summary:
You can have free shipping on any domestic order.
Simply use the coupon code freeship. (And hey there all
you non-Americans- while we can’t give you free shipping, we can
give you $10 off our International shipping. Just use the coupon code
unamerican and see your shipping fees drop dramatically!
(Please note- you do need to spend at least $20 for that code
to work. But come on, how hard is that?)

DEAL 2 – THE GIFT

Duration: Monday 12/14 through Tuesday 12/15

Summary:
It’s the return of the promotion that yours truly
invented! Put simply, we’re giving you the chance to pick out
one free item from a list of several of our most popular products-
and we’ll give it to you. For free! All you have to do is spend
$19.95 on something (or combination of things). This year- we’re
even adding Laptop Skins to the mix! So, if you want to take
advantage of THE GIFT promotion, here are the coupon codes
you’ll need to know!

If you want a free Laptop Skin with
your order, use the coupon code: freelaptopskin

If you want a free Lithograph with
your order, use the coupon code: freelithograph

If you want a free Desktopper with
your order, use the coupon code: freedesktopper

If you want a free T-shirt with
your order, use the coupon code: freetee

REMEMBER:
These codes do not work until Monday morning at 12am CDT-
and they stop working Tuesday at midnight. Don’t try to use
them early- they won’t work!

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT

Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL
for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20-
and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

When you spend $20 or more, we’ll throw in a free Pessimist’s Mug!

When you spend $30 or more, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE 2010 Best of Demotivators calendar (with 4 free mini-prints!)!

When you spend $50 or more, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE Pessimist’s Shot Glass AND a FREE Pessimist’s Glass!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a
FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can
score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to
fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to
buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough
to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

So those are the deals, the dates, and the coupon codes necessary for you to participate- all you gotta do is pick the one(s) that suit(s) you best! Remember, as long as you’re shipping to a U.S. address, you should receive anything ordered before midnight CDT on Thursday 12/17 before Christmas! So if you’ve been procrastinating, not yet sure what to pick up for those difficult-to-shop-for curmudgeons in your workplace or family, the wait is over. We’ve got the perfect stuff to inflict pain on them all throughout 2010- and like I said, you don’t even have to tell them you didn’t have to pay for it! Bonus!

Happy holidays!


* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches- we’ve received more and more emails and phone calls from folks asking (frequently with a petulant huff), “What happened to the Retirement Party page- I bookmarked it, but now it’s gone- right when I was ready to shop!” or “Where are those Clearance Sale items I saw? I was going to pick up some posters for (INSERT NAME OF PERSON THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE MUCH ABOUT HERE)- but now I can’t! Help!”

The answer- then and now- is that Despair only puts Clearance Items on the website once-in-a-blue-moon, when we’re trying to free up a few palettes in the warehouse for new overpriced swag, or for Fall Catalogs, or for beer or something.

Sadly, as I’ve pointed out more than once, some folks out there simply don’t read our Wailing List promotions very carefully. (I know it’s not the best written newsletter in the world- as I can reliably receive dozens-to-hundreds of emails of rebuke or correction after any grammatical error or spelling mistake. Thank you SOOOO much for that, by the way… Like I don’t have enough problems…)

Because folks frequently DON’T read carefully enough, they often reach incorrect conclusions. Such as those folks who operated under the false assumption that- when it came time to do some holiday shopping, they’d be able to find a bunch of bargain-basement posters or retired DespairWear tees at Despair.com… Despair doesn’t keep clearance items perpetually on the site- especially not when catalogs start being mailed!

Nevertheless, we’ve received enough sad sack sob stories from people who made an ASS out of U and ME to briefly offer a respite. But listen carefully. We’re putting them back on the website for 6 hours only. We don’t want this sale to end up on dozens of coupon code and bargain hunter websites and end up being enjoyed by those who aren’t core customers. So you’ll have to get in- do your shopping fast- and get out.

If you missed out and you want a chance at discontinued DespairWear tees for $7.95 to 9.95, or discontinued Demotivator lithographs for $6.95, or Demotivator vinyl adhesives for $7.95, or whatever- you’ll have to visit this link starting tomorrow morning at 8am Central Time. You will have until 2pm to get in and grab what you want and close the sale.

PLEASE NOTE: The username and password WILL NOT WORK until tomorrow morning at 8am. So don’t write emails saying,”I can’t get this to work!” because it will not work until the morning.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: The discounted 12 month Demotivator calendars will be still be discounted to $15.95 until 2pm, as well. After that, they return to their standard price of $19.95.

My apologies to those of you on the other side of the globe who might be forced to shopping at some strange hour in order to get in on the deal. I know most folks would prefer to shop while they are at work- rather than have to give up valuable free time at home. But I’d still encourage you to set an alarm and take advantage of this. Y’all frequently get hosed on the international shipping rates and the various extortion rackets your Customs Offices run- but if you make the effort to order during this 6 hour window, it still might net out as a bargain for you in the end. And that’s DEFINITELY not something that happens every day!

So. Any questions? I recommend you send them to me via Twitter. It’s easier / faster for me to handle them there. Plus the 140-character limit spares you my characteristic verbosity… Which has been on full display in the course of this email.

Hasta!

REMEMBER!

The USERNAME is whiners. The PASSWORD is begone. The link is here. And the 6 hour sale window lasts from 8am Central Time to 2pm.

Summertime is here- and that can only mean one thing- it is bloody SEARING in TEXAS! In fact, it’s so dang HOT here we are practically CRAZY FROM THE HEAT! Can I get a witness?! Thank you, Dave!

Just how CRAZY are we really? What if I were to tell you that Despair is selling some of our best-loved Demotivator Lithographs for only $2! No, I’m not kidding! We’re saying goodbye to some old favorites- classics like “Pessimism” and “Agony”, and newer beauties like “Dreams” and “Give Up”- and many, many more! And if you act fast, you’ll have a chance to pick up several of those babies for $2- that’s 90% off the retail price!

I’ve never seen them do THAT before! But we’re trying to clear up space in the warehouse to make room for our revolutionary Fall lineup! And this is how we do it!

We’re also getting rid of the last few hundred of our 2008 model Pessimist’s Mugs (both screen-printed and etched!). And you can pick your first one up for $2! (Or $3 if you want the etched mug!) They’re almost- but not quite- as gorgeous as our 2009 upgrade versions- but at those prices, WHO CARES WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?! And at those rates, expect these to be gone in a manner of minutes!

But wait- we’re not only permanently retiring 19 of our beloved 24″x30″ lithographs, and not only liquidating some perfectly fine 2nd generation Pessimist’s Mugs, we’re also offering AMAZING discounts on a wide variety of soon-to-be-retired DespairWear Tees!

We’re offering 50% on some gorgeous designs- including several 6-8 color Demotivator Tees! Mistakes, Wishes, Consistency, Burnout & Worth! All available for $9.95! (Only While supplies last!)

And there are a LOT more than just those tees- in fact, there are 24 additional shirts available for $9.95- including (I can’t believe they are doing this!!!) the few Executive Edition Frowny Tees we have left in stock. Those things COST US over $35 to make! But we’re getting rid of the 20 or so Small and Mediums that we still have in stock for 9.95! (Attention little ladies- those are sized for you! They are SO soft and cozy it’s like wrapping yourself in the velvety fur of some impossibly cuddly endangered species! But it costs less than a pack of Sham-Wows! That’s no SHAM- but it’s making me wanna say “WOW”!)

Do NOT miss out on your last chance to own some true Despair classics before they go away forever! Seriously- I can’t emphasize this strongly enough even if I use some idiotic font size for emphasis again… THESE ARE THE STEEPEST DISCOUNTS DESPAIR HAS EVER OFFERED! And if you choose to sit this one out because you’re hoping for, oh, I don’t know, a 95% sale at some point down the road, then your head is going to transmogrify into a giant lollipop and you’ll find yourself nearly deafened by a particularly humiliating punchline, all while the at home audience laughs hysterically at you for being a CHUMP!  Don’t Chumpatize Yourselves! And don’t sit there thinking, “Oh, why bother? This’ll probably take 6 weeks to ship like my Blackout order did- and by the time I get it, I’ll probably regret ordering it in the first place… Wowzy wowzy woo woo!” Why shouldn’t you? Because all of these Retirement Party items are in-stock and able to ship NOW! That means they’ll leave the warehouse within 24-48 hours of your order placement and be there before the Buyer’s Remorse really takes hold and makes you regret that you even ordered! Wicked!

Now stop reading this stupid e-mail and start shopping before all the good stuff is gone! Good luck!

Yes- by popular demand- we’re expanding our line-up of 4-color Demotivator Mugs yet again- to add our wildly popular Achievement design to the family.

All you need to do to score your free version of this mug is to visit this link, add the mug to your cart, and then add at least $20 worth of Despair goodies to your order. (Actually, it’s $19.95. But I rasterized and uploaded that graphic above before I started writing this- and I’m so fantastically lazy that I don’t want to spend the extra two minutes re-rasterizing one that size $19.95. I mention this not to call attention to my indolence- which I’m sure longtime readers of The Wailing List now take as a given- but rather to make the quick point that you could get a free mug simply by ordering One Standard or Posterbook edition of our Build-Your-Own-Calendars.

“But it’s nearly March already- I don’t want a calendar that’s already 17% out of date!”

Nor should you! But remember, with our Print-on-Demand calendars, YOU choose the first month of the calendar. So any month is a good month to buy one! And if you’ve already got one, why not pick one up for a depressed family member, or an demoralized co-worker? You don’t have to tell them you scored a free mug in the process.

Speaking of my Twitter feed (he said, far too lazy to actually contrive a proper segue to his new subject), I feel sorry for the great many of you who are missing out on the joys of my daily ramblings. Not as sorry as I feel for this guy, but sorry still. You’re not only missing out on my ongoing my photojournalistic documentation of the apparently exploding growth industry of Persons-Wearing-Degrading-Costumes-While-Twirling-Signs-on-Roadsides, you’re also being deprived of my piercing insights into Blogger Superiority Complexes, or of seriously missed opportunities in the nicknaming of American heroes.

(Entries above edited for chronological flow and readability.)

Now that you’ve seen what you’re missing, can you really resist the temptation?

I thought not.

FOR 48-HOURS ONLY, WE’RE GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO GET YOUR FAVORITE FOR FREE.

What’s the catch? Well, you gotta spend $20 at our store on other stuff first.

What kind of stuff? You could snag one of the Standard or PosterBook editions of our 2009 Calendars. Or buy the BitterSweets Bundle- 3 sets of candies for the price of 2. Or snag a $25 e-mail gift certificate. You could pick up a couple of Lithographs (such as Valentine’s Day favorites Romance and Dysfunction). Or you could easily build-your-own 9 Card Notecard Pack. The possibilities are as limitless as your potential is not.

So how does this free mug thing work? Simply go to our Demotivators Mug Page- then decide which design you want, then enter the appropriate coupon code (from the list below) when completing your order. It’s so simple even most of you couldn’t screw it up.

Coupon Codes:

• For a Free Ambition Mug, use the coupon code “freeambitionmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Consistency Mug, use the coupon code “freeconsistencymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Consulting Mug, use the coupon code “freeconsultingmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Get To Work Mug, use the coupon code “freegettoworkmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Government Mug, use the coupon code “freegovernmentmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Hope Mug, use the coupon code “freehopemug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Idiocy Mug, use the coupon code “freeidiocymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Individuality Mug, use the coupon code “freeindividualitymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Meetings Mug, use the coupon code “freemeetingsmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Mistakes Mug, use the coupon code “freemistakesmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Potential Mug, use the coupon code “freepotentialmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Procrastination Mug, use the coupon code “freeprocrastinationmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Quality Mug, use the coupon code “freequalitymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Sanity Mug, use the coupon code “freesanitymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Tradition Mug, use the coupon code “freetraditionmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Worth Mug, use the coupon code “freeworthmug” (without quotes).

But remember, these coupon codes are only valid for 48 hours. If you’re remotely interested in picking up a free mug, you’d be advised to order quickly, because giveaway promotions like this have a curious way of reducing our hearty inventories very quickly. That- combined with our proven lack of talent at estimating demand for products- could promptly lead to another out-of-stock warning on your favorite mug. And a torrent of obscenity-laden emails from many of you, which in turn might prompt an unintended amount of hilarity if (or really when) those emails are printed out and hung on the corkboard in the breakroom for the entertainment of our staff. Don’t let it come to that!

Sorry this particular promotion wasn’t the most entertaining. But if you’re in desperate need of distractions, you could do worse than to follow my My Twitter Feed. It frequently provides literally seconds worth of amusement with Twitter moments like the following (presented in chronological order):

Wow! It’s amazing that such riveting content could possibly be available for free! And yet free it is- for those of you with you with extremely hearty constitutions or desperately lonely lives.

And what’s more- participants even occasionally get a chance to provide marketing feedback to Despair- thus shaping the future product releases of the company (or at least draping the participant in the illusion of shaping our future direction). And we’re not even charging you to give us your feedback! Is this even legal?!

I’ll shut up now. Thanks for persevering.