The Despair Inc. Blog

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches- we’ve received more and more emails and phone calls from folks asking (frequently with a petulant huff), “What happened to the Retirement Party page- I bookmarked it, but now it’s gone- right when I was ready to shop!” or “Where are those Clearance Sale items I saw? I was going to pick up some posters for (INSERT NAME OF PERSON THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE MUCH ABOUT HERE)- but now I can’t! Help!”

The answer- then and now- is that Despair only puts Clearance Items on the website once-in-a-blue-moon, when we’re trying to free up a few palettes in the warehouse for new overpriced swag, or for Fall Catalogs, or for beer or something.

Sadly, as I’ve pointed out more than once, some folks out there simply don’t read our Wailing List promotions very carefully. (I know it’s not the best written newsletter in the world- as I can reliably receive dozens-to-hundreds of emails of rebuke or correction after any grammatical error or spelling mistake. Thank you SOOOO much for that, by the way… Like I don’t have enough problems…)

Because folks frequently DON’T read carefully enough, they often reach incorrect conclusions. Such as those folks who operated under the false assumption that- when it came time to do some holiday shopping, they’d be able to find a bunch of bargain-basement posters or retired DespairWear tees at Despair.com… Despair doesn’t keep clearance items perpetually on the site- especially not when catalogs start being mailed!

Nevertheless, we’ve received enough sad sack sob stories from people who made an ASS out of U and ME to briefly offer a respite. But listen carefully. We’re putting them back on the website for 6 hours only. We don’t want this sale to end up on dozens of coupon code and bargain hunter websites and end up being enjoyed by those who aren’t core customers. So you’ll have to get in- do your shopping fast- and get out.

If you missed out and you want a chance at discontinued DespairWear tees for $7.95 to 9.95, or discontinued Demotivator lithographs for $6.95, or Demotivator vinyl adhesives for $7.95, or whatever- you’ll have to visit this link starting tomorrow morning at 8am Central Time. You will have until 2pm to get in and grab what you want and close the sale.

PLEASE NOTE: The username and password WILL NOT WORK until tomorrow morning at 8am. So don’t write emails saying,”I can’t get this to work!” because it will not work until the morning.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: The discounted 12 month Demotivator calendars will be still be discounted to $15.95 until 2pm, as well. After that, they return to their standard price of $19.95.

My apologies to those of you on the other side of the globe who might be forced to shopping at some strange hour in order to get in on the deal. I know most folks would prefer to shop while they are at work- rather than have to give up valuable free time at home. But I’d still encourage you to set an alarm and take advantage of this. Y’all frequently get hosed on the international shipping rates and the various extortion rackets your Customs Offices run- but if you make the effort to order during this 6 hour window, it still might net out as a bargain for you in the end. And that’s DEFINITELY not something that happens every day!

So. Any questions? I recommend you send them to me via Twitter. It’s easier / faster for me to handle them there. Plus the 140-character limit spares you my characteristic verbosity… Which has been on full display in the course of this email.

Hasta!

REMEMBER!

The USERNAME is whiners. The PASSWORD is begone. The link is here. And the 6 hour sale window lasts from 8am Central Time to 2pm.

Summertime is here- and that can only mean one thing- it is bloody SEARING in TEXAS! In fact, it’s so dang HOT here we are practically CRAZY FROM THE HEAT! Can I get a witness?! Thank you, Dave!

Just how CRAZY are we really? What if I were to tell you that Despair is selling some of our best-loved Demotivator Lithographs for only $2! No, I’m not kidding! We’re saying goodbye to some old favorites- classics like “Pessimism” and “Agony”, and newer beauties like “Dreams” and “Give Up”- and many, many more! And if you act fast, you’ll have a chance to pick up several of those babies for $2- that’s 90% off the retail price!

I’ve never seen them do THAT before! But we’re trying to clear up space in the warehouse to make room for our revolutionary Fall lineup! And this is how we do it!

We’re also getting rid of the last few hundred of our 2008 model Pessimist’s Mugs (both screen-printed and etched!). And you can pick your first one up for $2! (Or $3 if you want the etched mug!) They’re almost- but not quite- as gorgeous as our 2009 upgrade versions- but at those prices, WHO CARES WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?! And at those rates, expect these to be gone in a manner of minutes!

But wait- we’re not only permanently retiring 19 of our beloved 24″x30″ lithographs, and not only liquidating some perfectly fine 2nd generation Pessimist’s Mugs, we’re also offering AMAZING discounts on a wide variety of soon-to-be-retired DespairWear Tees!

We’re offering 50% on some gorgeous designs- including several 6-8 color Demotivator Tees! Mistakes, Wishes, Consistency, Burnout & Worth! All available for $9.95! (Only While supplies last!)

And there are a LOT more than just those tees- in fact, there are 24 additional shirts available for $9.95- including (I can’t believe they are doing this!!!) the few Executive Edition Frowny Tees we have left in stock. Those things COST US over $35 to make! But we’re getting rid of the 20 or so Small and Mediums that we still have in stock for 9.95! (Attention little ladies- those are sized for you! They are SO soft and cozy it’s like wrapping yourself in the velvety fur of some impossibly cuddly endangered species! But it costs less than a pack of Sham-Wows! That’s no SHAM- but it’s making me wanna say “WOW”!)

Do NOT miss out on your last chance to own some true Despair classics before they go away forever! Seriously- I can’t emphasize this strongly enough even if I use some idiotic font size for emphasis again… THESE ARE THE STEEPEST DISCOUNTS DESPAIR HAS EVER OFFERED! And if you choose to sit this one out because you’re hoping for, oh, I don’t know, a 95% sale at some point down the road, then your head is going to transmogrify into a giant lollipop and you’ll find yourself nearly deafened by a particularly humiliating punchline, all while the at home audience laughs hysterically at you for being a CHUMP!  Don’t Chumpatize Yourselves! And don’t sit there thinking, “Oh, why bother? This’ll probably take 6 weeks to ship like my Blackout order did- and by the time I get it, I’ll probably regret ordering it in the first place… Wowzy wowzy woo woo!” Why shouldn’t you? Because all of these Retirement Party items are in-stock and able to ship NOW! That means they’ll leave the warehouse within 24-48 hours of your order placement and be there before the Buyer’s Remorse really takes hold and makes you regret that you even ordered! Wicked!

Now stop reading this stupid e-mail and start shopping before all the good stuff is gone! Good luck!

Yes- by popular demand- we’re expanding our line-up of 4-color Demotivator Mugs yet again- to add our wildly popular Achievement design to the family.

All you need to do to score your free version of this mug is to visit this link, add the mug to your cart, and then add at least $20 worth of Despair goodies to your order. (Actually, it’s $19.95. But I rasterized and uploaded that graphic above before I started writing this- and I’m so fantastically lazy that I don’t want to spend the extra two minutes re-rasterizing one that size $19.95. I mention this not to call attention to my indolence- which I’m sure longtime readers of The Wailing List now take as a given- but rather to make the quick point that you could get a free mug simply by ordering One Standard or Posterbook edition of our Build-Your-Own-Calendars.

“But it’s nearly March already- I don’t want a calendar that’s already 17% out of date!”

Nor should you! But remember, with our Print-on-Demand calendars, YOU choose the first month of the calendar. So any month is a good month to buy one! And if you’ve already got one, why not pick one up for a depressed family member, or an demoralized co-worker? You don’t have to tell them you scored a free mug in the process.

Speaking of my Twitter feed (he said, far too lazy to actually contrive a proper segue to his new subject), I feel sorry for the great many of you who are missing out on the joys of my daily ramblings. Not as sorry as I feel for this guy, but sorry still. You’re not only missing out on my ongoing my photojournalistic documentation of the apparently exploding growth industry of Persons-Wearing-Degrading-Costumes-While-Twirling-Signs-on-Roadsides, you’re also being deprived of my piercing insights into Blogger Superiority Complexes, or of seriously missed opportunities in the nicknaming of American heroes.

(Entries above edited for chronological flow and readability.)

Now that you’ve seen what you’re missing, can you really resist the temptation?

I thought not.

FOR 48-HOURS ONLY, WE’RE GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO GET YOUR FAVORITE FOR FREE.

What’s the catch? Well, you gotta spend $20 at our store on other stuff first.

What kind of stuff? You could snag one of the Standard or PosterBook editions of our 2009 Calendars. Or buy the BitterSweets Bundle- 3 sets of candies for the price of 2. Or snag a $25 e-mail gift certificate. You could pick up a couple of Lithographs (such as Valentine’s Day favorites Romance and Dysfunction). Or you could easily build-your-own 9 Card Notecard Pack. The possibilities are as limitless as your potential is not.

So how does this free mug thing work? Simply go to our Demotivators Mug Page- then decide which design you want, then enter the appropriate coupon code (from the list below) when completing your order. It’s so simple even most of you couldn’t screw it up.

Coupon Codes:

• For a Free Ambition Mug, use the coupon code “freeambitionmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Consistency Mug, use the coupon code “freeconsistencymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Consulting Mug, use the coupon code “freeconsultingmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Get To Work Mug, use the coupon code “freegettoworkmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Government Mug, use the coupon code “freegovernmentmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Hope Mug, use the coupon code “freehopemug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Idiocy Mug, use the coupon code “freeidiocymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Individuality Mug, use the coupon code “freeindividualitymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Meetings Mug, use the coupon code “freemeetingsmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Mistakes Mug, use the coupon code “freemistakesmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Potential Mug, use the coupon code “freepotentialmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Procrastination Mug, use the coupon code “freeprocrastinationmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Quality Mug, use the coupon code “freequalitymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Sanity Mug, use the coupon code “freesanitymug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Tradition Mug, use the coupon code “freetraditionmug” (without quotes).
• For a Free Worth Mug, use the coupon code “freeworthmug” (without quotes).

But remember, these coupon codes are only valid for 48 hours. If you’re remotely interested in picking up a free mug, you’d be advised to order quickly, because giveaway promotions like this have a curious way of reducing our hearty inventories very quickly. That- combined with our proven lack of talent at estimating demand for products- could promptly lead to another out-of-stock warning on your favorite mug. And a torrent of obscenity-laden emails from many of you, which in turn might prompt an unintended amount of hilarity if (or really when) those emails are printed out and hung on the corkboard in the breakroom for the entertainment of our staff. Don’t let it come to that!

Sorry this particular promotion wasn’t the most entertaining. But if you’re in desperate need of distractions, you could do worse than to follow my My Twitter Feed. It frequently provides literally seconds worth of amusement with Twitter moments like the following (presented in chronological order):

Wow! It’s amazing that such riveting content could possibly be available for free! And yet free it is- for those of you with you with extremely hearty constitutions or desperately lonely lives.

And what’s more- participants even occasionally get a chance to provide marketing feedback to Despair- thus shaping the future product releases of the company (or at least draping the participant in the illusion of shaping our future direction). And we’re not even charging you to give us your feedback! Is this even legal?!

I’ll shut up now. Thanks for persevering.

New Demotivators. New Mugs. New Freebies.

FIRST OFF- WE’VE GOT SIX NEW MUGS!

Tradition, Hope, Consistency, Government, Sanity, and Individuality.

And that’s not all- we’ve finally resupplied all of our out-of-stock other mugs- including Consulting, Quality, Potential, Idiocy, Get to Work, Procrastination, Ambition, Meetings and Worth!  And we’re even selling them at a discount (for a few days at least.) But that’s only just the beginning of the good news- because we’ve also added three new Demotivator designs to the lineup!

BLOGGING:
Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

The first new design is BLOGGING- using an epigram coined by yours truly in a former issue of The Wailing List*.   It’s perfect for people like eDWin from SeLangor, Malaysia, or this poor guy, or Andrew (the only survivor of the doomed planet Krypton)- or about 100,000,000 other blog authors out there being entirely ignored by the rest of the world as they pour their souls out.

The second new Demotivator is VICTORY- the perfect sequel to that earlier celebration of the valuable lessons we can impart into the minds of child athletes.

VICTORY:
Winners never fly higher than when they’re bouncing up and down
on the egos of those they’ve defeated.

The third new Demotivator is OPPORTUNITY- a note perfect celebration of perhaps the single most exciting opportunity that any Internet user had the good fortune of encountering.

OPPORTUNITY:
I am DR. ADEWOLE AREMU- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos- and I wish to speak to you most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of $39,000,000 US Dollars…

It’s the perfect Demotivator for Dr. Aremu himself, or for Col. Ibramhim Mustapha, or Barrister Vincent Hama, and the whole rest of that influential cadre that’s been helping to transfer vast sums of wealth from one group of chumps to another for decades.

(Not that anyone reading this would care but I haven’t laughed so hard at a new Demotivator since seeing any early draft of PERSISTENCE back in 2003…)

But not only do we have new Demotivators and new Mugs, we’ve also lowered the prices on all DespairWear Tees to $12.95- that’s like 30% off or something!  And hark- what’s that?  There’s even a new Freebie at the end of this promotion?   Alas- it’s some sort of Desktop calendar thingie!

FREE DESKTOP CALENDAR THINGIE!

Calendar is for October 2008 through September of 2009, and includes the following designs:  Cluelessness, Procrastination, Potential, Ambition, Motivation, Idiocy, Consistency, Tradition, Vision, Government and Sanity.

Our compact Desktop Calendar includes its very own jewel case- made of that most luxurious and exotic of aromatic polymers- polystyrene- and is discreetly sized for easy concealment from tyrannical employers, spouses or children!

How awesome is that?  The Build-Your-Own Calendar version of this little guy is soon to be unveiled at the website for something like $12.95- yet we’re giving a set of designs to Wailing List subscribers for free.  (Offer valid through Friday only).

Hurry!