The Despair Inc. Blog

Are you ready for a SoftWear Upgrade?

Well, ready or not, here they come! And first in the lineup is a revolutionary leap in personalized ironic wear- our Personalized Mugshot Tees.

For the first time ever, we’re able to produce fully customizable t-shirts ON DEMAND- granting you, the discerning cynic, even greater firepower in your war against mundane clothing!

Our Personalized Mugshot Tee allow you to choose the name printed on the Police placard, as well as the ability to select the specific crime that individual has been arrested for. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!

What about a personalized “PUBLIC INTOXICATION” tee for that coworker who got just a weeeeeeeee bit drunk at the last company outing? Or how about a t-shirt identifying that overbearing alpha-male lunkhead in your life as being guilty of “IMPERSONATING A MAN”? Or what about buying an “INDECENT EXPOSURE” tee for that woefully immodest lady-of-ill-repute who you unfortunately have to call “Sis”. The possibilities are as limitless as your liability!

Yes, this level of fully customizable awesomeness doesn’t come cheap- in fact, it’s costing us a fortune to print these babies! And- to the rest of the profane riffraff out there in the world, this level of badassicality is retailing for a respectable $29.95.

But for you, Wailing List subscriber, we introducing them at “a very special price”.

If you want to pick up YOUR fully Personalized Mugshot Tee for $6 less than retail, all you need to do is use the coupon code shoplifting when placing your order. It’s good for 20% off any and all Personalized Mugshot Tee that you purchase by Sunday!

And hey, that’s not all! Speaking of Soft Wear Upgrades, we’ve also just updated our Social Media Venn Diagram Tee to Version 2.0.1. Now with foursquare compatibility!

If you’re not exactly sure WHY we decided to give Foursquare that particular honor in our upgraded design, here’s a helpful hint.

And hey- if you’re looking to upgrade your Social Media Tee, you can get in on the same Soft Wear Upgrade discount program we’re offering for the Mugshot Tees. Just use the coupon code shoplifting and you’ll pick up that t-shirt for 20% off! That’s only $12.76 a tee! And it still includes all those shiny colors- at no extra charge!

Remember, this coupon code expires on Sunday. So if you want to get in on these sweet deals, you gotta move!

FATHER’S DAY IS JUNE 20TH- AND WE’RE HERE TO HELP!
(But please pay attentions- the details are important!)

Duration: NOW through Tuesday June 8thIt’s the rare return of my most favorite of promotions (since, uh, I invented it myself…). That’s right- it’s THE GIFT! Put simply, this is the promo where we give Wailing List subscribers like yourselves the chance to GET ONE FREE GIFT from a list of several of our most popular products! Yes, for free! All you have to do is spend $29.95 on something (or combination of things- including your FREEBIE). Then, use the coupon code- and viola!

Just so there’s no confusion- here’s an example!

You put two of our beautiful 24″x30″ Lithographs into your shopping cart. The total? $31.90. Then you apply the coupon- and suddenly, your order total is $15.95! You just got a free $15.95 poster!

And guess what? This time around, we’ve even added Mousepads to the mix! So you’ve got NO EXCUSE not to take advantage of this great promotion while you can! Getting a cynical humor product for your perpetually grumpy Dad is thoughtless enough- how much moreso when you don’t even really pay for it? You can’t put a PRICE on that kind of thoughtlessness! (‘Cause it’s, uh, well, you know… Free.) Ready to take advantage of this amazing, limited-time super-deal? Here are the coupon codes you’ll need to know!

If you want a free Laptop Skin with your order,
use the coupon code: freelaptopskin

If you want a free Lithograph with your order,
use the coupon code: freelithograph

If you want a free Desktopper with your order,
use the coupon code: freedesktopper

If you want a free T-shirt with your order,
use the coupon code: freetee

If you want a free Mousepads with your order,
use the coupon code: freemousepad

REMEMBER:
These codes expire Tuesday the 8th- at midnight Central Time- so use them or lose them! And remember, by ordering during THIS promotion, you’ll also be helping me to look like a badass before my college-educated marketing “superiors”- who think the idea of a “brilliant” marketing promotion is one in which they end up with an even more vaunted job title on their business card and even more take home pay than they already bank. Like they don’t make enough already! (Yes, I’m talking to YOU, H.J.!)

So what are you waiting for? Start loading up! NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Every once in awhile, Despair’s generally lackluster writing staff ends up being especially productive on a topic, producing two-or-more variations on the same basic theme. Such was the case with our BP t-shirt.

Two equally strong executions made it to final round- the shirt you’ve previously seen, and the one you now see at the top of this e-mail, “The Spill Tee“.

We decided, after much bickering, to produce both versions of the tee. The former, a text-based bit of culture jamming, and the latter, a wordless bit of artistic satire.

Now, some of you will rightly wonder- “Why didn’t you roll these out both at the same time?”" The answer is, “We’re idiots, that’s why. Now are you satisfied?”

But- knowing that we may have inadvertently denied you the design you’d have preferred, we are extending the duration of our earlier coupon code. You know, the shortest one we’ve ever used in the history of Despair? Because too many people screwed up the longer, funnier version? In case you forgot- or you didn’t notice is it PRINTED ON THE T-SHIRT ITSELF- here is the coupon code:

BP

That code is valid for a week. BP. If you use that code, you’ll still get the 25% discount on the BP t-shirt.

I don’t even know what to say, other than I hope that the particular quipster in the Product Development department who came up with this t-shirt has a really good life insurance policy. I foresee an unexpected brake failure in his future. I wonder if I’m making myself a target just by even talking about this? I really should probably just shut up now. After stating my unequivocal disapproval of a shirt which mocks one of the largest and most powerful oil interests in the world, regardless of whether their less than stellar safety record might warrant it.

If any of you want to save 25% on this t-shirt, use the coupon code bringingoiltoamericanshores. This code is valid through Friday, I think. Which may be longer than the shirt is available for sale, if history is any guide.

So in my haste to get last week’s awesome tee out, I apparently missed an email from Product Development that included info on the SECOND t-shirt I was supposed to launch at last week… It’s the simple yet hilarious little Toyota Tee you see above.

So- belatedly- I’m flacking it!

If you’re a Toyota owner who wants to pick up one on the cheap, you can score one for 25% off the purchase price- just use the coupon code HELPICANTSTOPMOVINGFORWARD when you place your order for the shirt and you’ll save a bundle!

Hey- it’s another brand new DespairWear Tee! But this time we’re giving you good Wailing List subscribers a chance to scoop it up on the cheap! If you want to buy this snarky bit of swag for you (or that special condescending elitist in your life), just use the coupon code opinionated when you place the order- and you’ll pick it up for the bargain price of $11.95! But don’t tarry- that coupon code expires on Saturday- after which you’ll have to pay the full price!

Hey, while I’ve got your attention, a special shout out to my ten winners of the Retweeting Contest from last week… They are Twitter Users @NickSchweitzer, @doughibbard, @theMadJayWoman, @madzephyr, @edmj, @JamisonFaught, @mcnulty6, @donnakfitch, @bshermcincy and @KevinPJackson. Congrats on winning!

I already announced this via my Twitter Feed but if you missed it, I wanted to do it here- since SOME of you folks have emailed me and accused me of running contests without actually giving out the awards! (It’s actually a pretty nifty idea- thanks for suggesting it! If I falsify future contests, I could use the savings from my inconsequential e-mail newsletter marketing budget to splurge on importing a new bottle of Yoichi 20 Year Japanese Single Malt Whisky or some other storied spirit equally out of my price range and equally certain to make me the envy of my elitist peer group of would-be novelists, screen-writers and poets who, like me, continue to sell-their-souls-year-in-and-year-out in the Marketing and Advertising trades. So I’ll give it some consideration…)

(Dangit. If only…)