The Despair Inc. Blog

The Bummertime Sale!

THAT’S RIGHT! $5 OFF ALL TEES (INCLUDING 3 NEW ONES!)
AND THERE’S EVEN A WAILING-LIST EXCLUSIVE FREEBIE,
DEMONSTRATED ON VIDEO FOR YOU BY DR. E.L. KERSTEN!

I can hardly believe it myself- that I’m sending out a Wailing List plugging 4 NEW PRODUCTS at once. Yet here we are! I won’t waste your time with a lot of marketing blahsmack this time around- let’s get right to the new stuff! Starting with my personal favorite…

The Overtime Tee!

Yes, it’s our latest entry in the beloved Despair Illustrated collection- the beautiful new “Overtime” Tee! Depicting a desktop perhaps not unlike your own- where an unnamed worker, perhaps not unlike you- has been forced by circumstances beyond his (or her) control into Overtime Play… Where everyone goes home a winner (except, of course, for the employer… Who stands to lose money AND office supplies…)

The Rad Tee!

And how about another little something for you nerdy, scientific sorts? It’s The Rad Tee. And if you don’t understand why it’s the most rad shirt ever made, then you probably have a far more vibrant social life than those of us who DO get it, and think it’s funny… (Lucky jerks…) And hey there nerdy ladies! This one comes in a babydoll tee cut, too!

The Headache Tee!

And last of all- for those of you who prefer your t-shirt humor a little more obvious and a little more confrontational- we’re pleased to introduce you to our new Headache tee. It’s the perfect way to quietly prevail in nearly any argument you might stumble into. In fact, with a shirt like this, you’ll find yourself probably starting arguments just so you can push people to try to counter you, whereupon your eyes need only drift slowly to your own chest while your hands are raised slowly to your temples. That’ll show ‘em!

But we’re still not finished!

Because not only are we discounting ALL of our t-shirts by $5, and not only are we rolling out 3 new designs that rock heavily, we’re also giving you Wailing List subscribers a rare chance to get something as yet unavailable to the outside world- and for free!

Demotivator® Vinyl Adhesives!

The picture and link above will take you to a full-scale product demonstration- offered by Dr. E.L.Kersten. And for a limited time- Wailing List subscribers can get their first set for free! Just add one to your cart and you’ll see the price is $0!. Each additional set is $9.95! (But hey there short-cut lovers- don’t think you can put one in your cart and complete your order… The store minimums are set to $19.95 for any order. You gotta spend SOMETHING- this ain’t a not-for-profit created for the purposes of bringing happiness to those suffering from melancholia. It’s a for-profit created for the purposes of liberating disposable income from the pockets of that same constituency… We’ll give something back to society once we’re crazy rich ourselves, in the grand tradition of other robber barons.)

That’s it! START SPENDING!

 * Or So I Was Told to Say by my Superior in Marketing (who apparently had her brakes recently relined…)

Actually it’s because we haven’t sent out a Wailing List in 3 weeks and are trying to silence those of you who are sending in angry emails about it…No coupon codes necessary. Just start shopping. Everything in the store is 25% off, without exception (except for, uh, a few things like Gift Certificates, etc.)

Now- in answer to those of you who have been writing me (or calling the already beleaguered folks in the Call Center) and asking WHY we haven’t sent out a new Wailing List in three weeks… The short answer is that, well, the Product Development department didn’t send us any new stuff to promote since the Blackout. Because (drum roll) they’ve been working on the next Despair Video (Inserting obligatory link to my personal favorite here).

Continue reading”The Wailing List - New Tees AND a Sale!” »

WHEN YOU’RE JUST TOO DEPRESSED TO WEAR DESPAIRWEAR…

You’ve already seen his masterful hand at work in Despair’s popular line of Illustrated tees.  Working closely with the deeply embittered writers of Despair, Inc.- he’s produced designs as beautiful as they are tragic, including Despair’s most popular t-shirt yet, the now-no-longer-available Twas The Night Before Christmas.

Has dark humor ever seemed more gleeful? Could someone so gifted at illustrating Despair possibly be anything other than a black-hearted malcontent, a soul laboring quietly in darkness, collecting unto himself ever more grudges and resentments towards his few peers, his broken family, and especially his boss, who demonstrates only a talent for drinking during the workday and for underestimating the amazing worth one particular employee in the department who has proven his value a hundred times over but keep getting marginalized because he dropped out of UT Austin back in the 90s and once made a crack at a company party in 2001 about “Fun/Ed” before he realized his boss actually graduated from that particular institute of higher learning and apparently didn’t find that a cause for shame.

Actually…. The answer, to my continuing surprise, is yes. Apparently there are some perfectly well-adjusted people out there who can weave in-and-out of pessimistic humor without having to live the life of an unsung hero in a marketing department at a company specializing in cynical humor products. How do I know this? Because I actually had a drink with him and some other unhappy Despair employees at Opal Devine’s in South Austin several weeks ago- and despite my repeated attempts to get him to reject his reflex optimism and look on the darkside for a change, he maintained an utterly sunny disposition. And yet- put a mouse in his hand, and five minutes later he’s drawing a picture of the grim reaper as seen through a peep-hole. It’s freaky.

I’m sorry I keep digressing.

Continue reading”6 New Tees from the Artist of Despair Illustrated” »

INTRODUCING THE LATEST DEMOTIVATOR® DESIGN IN DESPAIRWEAR FORM.

One of our most dehumanizing designs to date has finally made the leap to DespairWear form! Our Worth Demotivator joins other classic Demotivator designs, including Consistency, Cluelessness, Wishes, Potential, and Mistakes- and in so doing, makes the already devastating line of surprisingly well-produced t-shirts even more unbearably soul-crushing!

As with all of DespairWear Demotivator Tees, the photographic original has been beautifully translated into illustrated form with artistry and finesse. And for the remainder of the week, Wailing List subscribers can pick up their own Worth Tee for $3 off the retail price- just by using the coupon code “worthless”. (Remember- don’t include the quotes when keying the code in our check-out process, or a $3 Bonehead Tax will be added to your order.)

It’s Our Second Ever Limited-Edition Illustrated Tee- “Young Love”!

Yes, for the second time in the short history of DespairWear, we are introducing a truly limited-edition t-shirt! And this time, we’re not making any exceptions for latecomers! Only 1,000 tees will be sold. No matter what.

Introducing “Young Love“!

This beautifully illustrated tee recalls with great affection the sweet whimsy of childhood infatuation. A tender-heart youth whispers the ancient chant, “She loves me, she loves me not” while gently plucking the… uh… extremities… from… some random… dude?

That’s slightly… mega… massively… disturbing.

Continue reading”New DespairWear: “Young Love” (Limited Edition)” »

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is a genuinely new DespairWear T-Shirt overhead. I tried to write something funny to go with it, but I found myself feeling a bit upstaged. The shirt just cracked me up so much- but for reasons that wouldn’t necessarily be very funny to most people, least of all you folks.

I mean, given how long I’ve been here, I’ve had to endure countless Marketing Department demographic and psychographic studies of the Despair housefile and The Wailing List. And it’s frightening at this point how much we know about you- and how suitable this shirt seems to be for many of you.

We paid this one firm (who I’m not allowed to mention by name due to a pending lawsuit that I’m also not suppose to discuss so please keep this between the 100,001 of us)… We paid them a mid-five-figure sum to perform an extremely in-depth set of psychological profiles of our audience- comparing your purchases at Despair.com with purchases from every other merchant who participates in this giant consumer data orgy that most people of you remain blissfully unaware of…
Continue reading”The Peerless Tee” »