The Despair Inc. Blog

Wow. This promotion is so good I don’t even have to dress it up with cheeky ironic marketing copy. Here’s the scoop. If you were hoping to pick up a few pieces of DespairWear for your holiday gift-giving (and you really should- they are so dadgum comfortable and well-printed, to say nothing of their brilliance…) we’re are briefly offering YOU the chance to do it ON THE CHEAP! No, we didn’t lower prices on the website. We’re just offering this deal to you guys and gals because, despite our protestations to the contrary, we actually love you folks. (Just Filio love for now, not the Eros or Agape kind*.)

If you want to pick up some great shirts on the cheap- you’ll need to use this coupon code when completing your order: notallofusdressforsuccess.

It will automatically reduce the price of any and all t-shirts in your shopping cart by 30%. Want to buy 4 different shirts? Go ahead- you’ll save $23! Even I know it’s a great deal. When I heard about it this morning, I was all like, “For real, whaaaaa?” and my boss was like, “Yeah, totally” so then I go, “That’s like, whoa!” and she was all, “Yah tell me about it” so then I’m all, “Okay, I will… It’s like crazy Eddie time, but you know, without the fraud, racketeering, and money laundering…” and I had a lot more to say but then she cut me off and goes, “I didn’t really mean for you to elaborate further. It’s a good deal. Let’s leave it at that.” Girl harshed my vibe something fierce with that barbed volley, let me tell you.

Remember, though, we print our shirts on American Apparel tees because they take the ink really well and they’re super-dooper comfortable. But they run SMALL! So order a size larger than you normally would- just to be safe.

As far as I can tell, this coupon code expires early next week. So act fast if you’re looking to score some clever, comfy, cool shirts for your holiday stocking stuffers!

(Remember, the code is notallofusdressforsuccess.)

Gotta run! I’m about to get my Scotch and Retro-gaming fix on.

* I mean, I really don’t know you THAT well. Plus, I’m just sort of playing the field right now, you know, not looking for things to get TOO serious… Not after what happened LAST time with a certain someone who I’ve promised not to mention by name- though she knows who she is, and for some blasted reason chooses to subscribe to my Wailing List even though I’ve asked her to stop reading it **, since SHE was the one who decided it was over between us, and she’s the one who accuses me of not being able to let go.

** Well, who can’t let who go, really? I’m not reading your Facebook or Twitter postings anymore- but you can’t stop reading my Wailing List emails? They aren’t even to you or about you or of concern to you… But you still gripe to certain mutual friends about some random marketing newsletter I sent weeks before? It’s not my fault things with Mr. Glamtastic went south. You should’ve known it was doomed from the moment you saw him cough violently after knocking back that shot of melon liqueur at The Light Bar. You can’t build a House of Love on a foundation made of Wuss. And if you want my permission to have that quote put on a tombstone memorializing the death of your rebound relationship with Mr. Orange Blossom Scents with Lavender Basenotes, well, you better well pay me a royalty***…

*** “Call me!”

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches- we’ve received more and more emails and phone calls from folks asking (frequently with a petulant huff), “What happened to the Retirement Party page- I bookmarked it, but now it’s gone- right when I was ready to shop!” or “Where are those Clearance Sale items I saw? I was going to pick up some posters for (INSERT NAME OF PERSON THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE MUCH ABOUT HERE)- but now I can’t! Help!”

The answer- then and now- is that Despair only puts Clearance Items on the website once-in-a-blue-moon, when we’re trying to free up a few palettes in the warehouse for new overpriced swag, or for Fall Catalogs, or for beer or something.

Sadly, as I’ve pointed out more than once, some folks out there simply don’t read our Wailing List promotions very carefully. (I know it’s not the best written newsletter in the world- as I can reliably receive dozens-to-hundreds of emails of rebuke or correction after any grammatical error or spelling mistake. Thank you SOOOO much for that, by the way… Like I don’t have enough problems…)

Because folks frequently DON’T read carefully enough, they often reach incorrect conclusions. Such as those folks who operated under the false assumption that- when it came time to do some holiday shopping, they’d be able to find a bunch of bargain-basement posters or retired DespairWear tees at Despair.com… Despair doesn’t keep clearance items perpetually on the site- especially not when catalogs start being mailed!

Nevertheless, we’ve received enough sad sack sob stories from people who made an ASS out of U and ME to briefly offer a respite. But listen carefully. We’re putting them back on the website for 6 hours only. We don’t want this sale to end up on dozens of coupon code and bargain hunter websites and end up being enjoyed by those who aren’t core customers. So you’ll have to get in- do your shopping fast- and get out.

If you missed out and you want a chance at discontinued DespairWear tees for $7.95 to 9.95, or discontinued Demotivator lithographs for $6.95, or Demotivator vinyl adhesives for $7.95, or whatever- you’ll have to visit this link starting tomorrow morning at 8am Central Time. You will have until 2pm to get in and grab what you want and close the sale.

PLEASE NOTE: The username and password WILL NOT WORK until tomorrow morning at 8am. So don’t write emails saying,”I can’t get this to work!” because it will not work until the morning.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: The discounted 12 month Demotivator calendars will be still be discounted to $15.95 until 2pm, as well. After that, they return to their standard price of $19.95.

My apologies to those of you on the other side of the globe who might be forced to shopping at some strange hour in order to get in on the deal. I know most folks would prefer to shop while they are at work- rather than have to give up valuable free time at home. But I’d still encourage you to set an alarm and take advantage of this. Y’all frequently get hosed on the international shipping rates and the various extortion rackets your Customs Offices run- but if you make the effort to order during this 6 hour window, it still might net out as a bargain for you in the end. And that’s DEFINITELY not something that happens every day!

So. Any questions? I recommend you send them to me via Twitter. It’s easier / faster for me to handle them there. Plus the 140-character limit spares you my characteristic verbosity… Which has been on full display in the course of this email.

Hasta!

REMEMBER!

The USERNAME is whiners. The PASSWORD is begone. The link is here. And the 6 hour sale window lasts from 8am Central Time to 2pm.

For some, it prompted nightmares. For others, a rush of pure adrenaline. And for a generation of young Atari owners- it posed a mystery as profound as it was bizarre, “Is that a DUCK chasing me all over the place?”

But it was no duck. It was Rhindle- the red dragon. One of the fiercest and most terrifying foes in the history of gaming. And now- the dreaded foe is no longer just storming around the dungeons, looking for block-shaped adventures to devour- he’s stomping across this awesome new t-shirt!

(Or waddling, maybe.)

After my epic re-plug last week for the 16 Month Build Your Own Demotivators Calendar, I’m keeping things VERY simple for today’s launch of the new MUGSHOT TEE.

The shirt features a realistic-looking mugshot placard and a case number- along with simulated drop-shadow! And by sporting it, you’ll immediately add an element of criminality and danger to any photo you happen to pop-up in.

What a great opportunity to crash that next party, company get together, or family reunion! You can walk around- as the flashes pop- forever tainting the photos of those around you. Forever making THEIR friends, coworkers, or relatives ask, “Did that dude/chick just come out of a police lineup?”

Capital!

What’s more- any photo that you happen to thusly taint will also automatically become a free advertisement for Despair, Incorporated- because the Case Number printed on the shirt is actually our toll-free telephone number (1-877-DESPAIR)! Yes, we really are that bloody shameless!

And hey- it’s gets even better- because if you order this shirt before Wednesday at midnight, you can pick up your tee for $5 off the retail price! Simply use the coupon code MUGGING and you’ll save 25% off that criminally-awesome new design!

That’s it- my work here is done. Now your work begins!

[$5 OFF PROMOTION ENDS WEDNESDAY 8/26 AT MIDNIGHT CST]

Summertime is here- and that can only mean one thing- it is bloody SEARING in TEXAS! In fact, it’s so dang HOT here we are practically CRAZY FROM THE HEAT! Can I get a witness?! Thank you, Dave!

Just how CRAZY are we really? What if I were to tell you that Despair is selling some of our best-loved Demotivator Lithographs for only $2! No, I’m not kidding! We’re saying goodbye to some old favorites- classics like “Pessimism” and “Agony”, and newer beauties like “Dreams” and “Give Up”- and many, many more! And if you act fast, you’ll have a chance to pick up several of those babies for $2- that’s 90% off the retail price!

I’ve never seen them do THAT before! But we’re trying to clear up space in the warehouse to make room for our revolutionary Fall lineup! And this is how we do it!

We’re also getting rid of the last few hundred of our 2008 model Pessimist’s Mugs (both screen-printed and etched!). And you can pick your first one up for $2! (Or $3 if you want the etched mug!) They’re almost- but not quite- as gorgeous as our 2009 upgrade versions- but at those prices, WHO CARES WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?! And at those rates, expect these to be gone in a manner of minutes!

But wait- we’re not only permanently retiring 19 of our beloved 24″x30″ lithographs, and not only liquidating some perfectly fine 2nd generation Pessimist’s Mugs, we’re also offering AMAZING discounts on a wide variety of soon-to-be-retired DespairWear Tees!

We’re offering 50% on some gorgeous designs- including several 6-8 color Demotivator Tees! Mistakes, Wishes, Consistency, Burnout & Worth! All available for $9.95! (Only While supplies last!)

And there are a LOT more than just those tees- in fact, there are 24 additional shirts available for $9.95- including (I can’t believe they are doing this!!!) the few Executive Edition Frowny Tees we have left in stock. Those things COST US over $35 to make! But we’re getting rid of the 20 or so Small and Mediums that we still have in stock for 9.95! (Attention little ladies- those are sized for you! They are SO soft and cozy it’s like wrapping yourself in the velvety fur of some impossibly cuddly endangered species! But it costs less than a pack of Sham-Wows! That’s no SHAM- but it’s making me wanna say “WOW”!)

Do NOT miss out on your last chance to own some true Despair classics before they go away forever! Seriously- I can’t emphasize this strongly enough even if I use some idiotic font size for emphasis again… THESE ARE THE STEEPEST DISCOUNTS DESPAIR HAS EVER OFFERED! And if you choose to sit this one out because you’re hoping for, oh, I don’t know, a 95% sale at some point down the road, then your head is going to transmogrify into a giant lollipop and you’ll find yourself nearly deafened by a particularly humiliating punchline, all while the at home audience laughs hysterically at you for being a CHUMP!  Don’t Chumpatize Yourselves! And don’t sit there thinking, “Oh, why bother? This’ll probably take 6 weeks to ship like my Blackout order did- and by the time I get it, I’ll probably regret ordering it in the first place… Wowzy wowzy woo woo!” Why shouldn’t you? Because all of these Retirement Party items are in-stock and able to ship NOW! That means they’ll leave the warehouse within 24-48 hours of your order placement and be there before the Buyer’s Remorse really takes hold and makes you regret that you even ordered! Wicked!

Now stop reading this stupid e-mail and start shopping before all the good stuff is gone! Good luck!

I’m two-days late on this issue of the Wailing List. So this one is presented to you completely Tangent-Free!

And yet, somehow, I just know I’m going to get complaints from sticklers who complain, “If you really wanted this to be tangent free, you wouldn’t have started out with the extraneous bit about how you’re two days late, moron!”

Of course, the majority of you would’ve taken it at face value and not said a word about the open, since you’ve learned to discern the difference between the Spirit and Letter of the Ad Copy. But now that I’ve wasted additional ad copy attempting to categorize my readers into at least two different groups- hardly a matter germane to the real subject at hand- even the most tolerant and understanding of readers are probably beginning to wince in irritation, rightly wondering whether or not I’m ever going to get around to talking about the new John Doe Tee. Or if instead this supposedly Tangent-Free! e-mail is going to descend further into recursion…

Truthfully, if I had a little more time, I probably would invest it in some kind of fractal joke that keeps digressing into errata, then pretends it’s going to right itself, only to loop back into the larger gag about tangents and thus retest your patience anew. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s this; there’s a fine line between amusement and annoyance. And little is more tiresome than a would-be comedian unaware that he’s crossed it. I know that guy. I don’t want to be that guy. That guy drives ME nuts. Almost as much as people who correct my grammar- and inevitably, that’s coming. Because I used a semi-colon a half-dozen sentences ago, and I’m not sure that I used it correctly, though I know exactly what my intent was when I used it, and I think the non-sticker subset of you that I discussed back in paragraph 2 would read it and discern the intent, the “voice” if you will, and say nothing in complaint. At least not about my possible semi-colon misuse…

Okay, there- I’ve said it. I’m done. And I know this pointless, circuitous bit of performance art has probably enraged all-but-the-most-dedicated-of-readers and will surely imperil the sales prospects of The John Doe Tee. And I’m sorry if that’s the case, because when I wrote that opening line, I really did intend for this to be a three-sentence email… And now look what happened.

Are we still friends? Please don’t give up on me, just because I sometimes frustrate you nearly to violence. I know at this point, if I were standing right there in reach, more than a few of you would be tempted to bludgeon me to death and leave me in a shallow grave. (Frankly, I felt the same way towards Neal Stephenson when trying to get through that never-ending Alan Turing bicycle-chain tangent in Cryptonomicon (not that I’m comparing myself with him- because the man is a bloody-genius and I’m just a marketing droid who sometimes can’t stop talking.)).

If I give you a coupon code, will you forgive me? Please? Some of you, at least? Well, alright then, I’ll do it. Just use the coupon code tangent and you’ll get $5 off your next order. Really. It’s good for a week.

I need to pee.