The Despair Inc. Blog

So in my haste to get last week’s awesome tee out, I apparently missed an email from Product Development that included info on the SECOND t-shirt I was supposed to launch at last week… It’s the simple yet hilarious little Toyota Tee you see above.

So- belatedly- I’m flacking it!

If you’re a Toyota owner who wants to pick up one on the cheap, you can score one for 25% off the purchase price- just use the coupon code HELPICANTSTOPMOVINGFORWARD when you place your order for the shirt and you’ll save a bundle!

Hey- it’s another brand new DespairWear Tee! But this time we’re giving you good Wailing List subscribers a chance to scoop it up on the cheap! If you want to buy this snarky bit of swag for you (or that special condescending elitist in your life), just use the coupon code opinionated when you place the order- and you’ll pick it up for the bargain price of $11.95! But don’t tarry- that coupon code expires on Saturday- after which you’ll have to pay the full price!

Hey, while I’ve got your attention, a special shout out to my ten winners of the Retweeting Contest from last week… They are Twitter Users @NickSchweitzer, @doughibbard, @theMadJayWoman, @madzephyr, @edmj, @JamisonFaught, @mcnulty6, @donnakfitch, @bshermcincy and @KevinPJackson. Congrats on winning!

I already announced this via my Twitter Feed but if you missed it, I wanted to do it here- since SOME of you folks have emailed me and accused me of running contests without actually giving out the awards! (It’s actually a pretty nifty idea- thanks for suggesting it! If I falsify future contests, I could use the savings from my inconsequential e-mail newsletter marketing budget to splurge on importing a new bottle of Yoichi 20 Year Japanese Single Malt Whisky or some other storied spirit equally out of my price range and equally certain to make me the envy of my elitist peer group of would-be novelists, screen-writers and poets who, like me, continue to sell-their-souls-year-in-and-year-out in the Marketing and Advertising trades. So I’ll give it some consideration…)

(Dangit. If only…)

I really think this one is about as straight-forward as we get… And it’s gorgeous to boot! It’s the perfect tee for, well, apparently the majority of voters. So rather than waste a lot of time with a protracted sales pitch, let me just simply instruct you to buy it, right now!

And if you want a chance to win one of ten free $20 Gift Certificates (for use at Despair.com), just tweet about it! You could use the one included below, or you can write your own (if you make sure to include the URL below).

DESPAIR.COM unveils “Vote Whig” t-shirt! http://cli.gs/rp1U3u – RT for chance to win 1 of 10 free $20 gift certificates!

Remember- the usual rules apply. (You know the drill by now, right? You need to have at least 5 followers- hopefully more- and you need to have a real history of tweeting for it to count!) I’ll announce the winners on Monday afternoon- via email and twitter.

I’ve only got a little bit to promote this week- and one axe-to-grind (that might actually benefit those of you who read these emails in their entirety). The main pitch? A FREE SHIPPING coupon – for domestic U.S. customers. The code to use if you want free shipping is ouch- and it is good until end-of-day Saturday. You’ve got less than two weeks until Valentine’s- why not load up on the only candy that make any sense on such a miserable holiday?

My next item is… Ah yes! Flacking the last few remaining “Paternity” tees!

“

Our once impressive supply of 500 tees has now dwindled down to but a handful- so as of end-of-day Sunday, we are pulling these guys from the website forever! So if you have any desire to snag one of these babies, order it NOW!

And now for my axe to grind… This last part is to the two dudes in the nearby office who manage the Despair.com website. You forgot to take down the Clearance Sale page. That was supposed to be gone last week! If you READ MY WAILING LISTS every once in awhile, you might actually KNOW when a promotion is supposed to be OVER! So I’m just going to needle you in public- knowing that you might not even get THIS email reminder to turn off the sale. But since you-know-who DOES read these mails (supposedly), I suspect you’ll be getting an email in short order asking WHY it is that you repeatedly ignore the deadlines for marketing promotions. And then you’ll HAVE to promise to do a better job in the future (meaning you’ll have to start reading my stuff again!

So- if you’re still reading this and you DON’T work for Despair- you can probably use that Clearance Sale link for at least the next few hours. My guess is somebody will catch on eventually and remove it by tomorrow if not later today. We’re such the model of efficiency here.

Yes, if you bothered to read the headline copy above, you read it correctly. For the first time in Despair history, we are permanently retiring over two dozen Demotivator designs from our collection! And by retiring, I really mean we’re deep-sixing them. Once this promotion is complete, they will be removed from the website and never made available for purchase again! But before that time, we’re making them available for only $7.95 each! That’s 50% off most of them! And if that wasn’t a good enough deal, we’re even giving you a chance to pick up a desktopper of our brand new design, Indecision, for the crazy price of FREE! (For your first one only…)

Why are we doing such a thing? Each one has a special story, a distinct history, a place near-and-dear to our hearts. We think of them almost like pets. And in the case of these soon-to-be-retired designs, we’re tired of putting up with their crap! As our Demotivator collection has grown and grown over the years, it becomes harder and harder to justify carrying the underperformers- even if some of them are personal favorites to various staff members here. So we’re kicking-them-to-the-curb.

And guess what, in the midst of all this awesome super-sale action, we’re even rolling out a new Limited-Edition DespairWear Tee! How limited is this baby? We’re only printing 500 of them! That’s more limited than any tee we’ve ever done! Why are we doing that? I have no idea- nobody tells me anything! I yelled myself hoarse this morning trying to make the case that the design is too classic and funny to limit to 500- and nobody cared! But what is the new design, you ask?

We’re only selling 500 of these babies. And we’re even doing you a super-solid by offering them for $15.95- instead of our usual limited-run prices of $19 or more. So please, please, please- if you want one, order it NOW! Throw in your free Indecision desktopper, and pick up some soon-to-vanish Demotivator Tees, Desktoppers, and Posters for $7.95. But do it quickly. Because you know we’re going to be blast through these tees and retired designs in a flash, and if you waited too long, you’ll be mad at US. Don’t let that happen!

THE LAST, BEST HOLIDAY DEAL IS HERE:

DEAL 3 – THE WHITEOUT
Duration: WEDNESDAY 12/16 through Thursday 12/17

Summary:
If you’re still looking to do some BIG shopping- this is THE DEAL for you- because we’re giving away freebies with any order over $20- and the more you spend, the more freebies you’ll get! Check this out!

And- hey there! If you buy any lithograph, we’ll ALSO throw in a FREE Perseverance Lithograph. WOW!

Imagine! By buying only $50 worth of stuff- you can score over $50 worth of additional freebies- most of them sized to fit in a stocking*! And people will actually think you cared enough to buy them the very worst- when in fact, you didn’t even care enough to do that! Bitter irony abounds!

And here’s a bonus even I didn’t know about! For the duration of the promotion, Despairwear Tees will all be discounted to $15.95. That’s up to $4 the retail price- on some of the most comfortable, best-printed ironic tees known to mankind! Wow!

Don’t forget- anything you order should arrive before Christmas- even if you just use Standard Shipping- provided you are shipping to a U.S. address! (If any item is on delayed shipping or backorder, we will expressly tell you so on that item’s order page…) So go on, load up! You’ll never find a more satisfying set of gift choices for for that not so special pessimist, cynic, or underachiever in your workplace, or immediate or extended family!

Just remember. The clock is ticking. You need to place this order before Midnight CDT on Thursday in order to score all these extra drop-ins and get them in time for gift-giving. So tarry no longer!

* In the event that we run out of a particular promotional freebie- an item of equal or greater value may be included in its place. We’re pretty sure we have enough to cover demand, but occasionally we miscalculate. As you can probably imagine.