The Despair Inc. Blog

The Back To School Lithograph Sale is Back!

Hey folks! I’m on vacation in Colorado week- and I was so rushed to get to the airport that I forgot to copy my graphics and font files on my laptop before I left. So please forgive me for using a generic Despair website graphic (above) as my banner. (I know- it’s probably hard for many of you to believe that I, a legendary paragon of organization and efficiency, might have a moment of weakness. But really, don’t let my illustrious history of error-free Wailing Lists fool you… Every once in a blue moon, even I make a mistake. Or two. )

Anyway, please forgive me for a particularly sloppy issue of The Wailing List. The key thing you need to know is that Despair’s once-a-year Back To School Lithograph Sale is back- which means ALL LITHOGRAPHS are $9.95 or less! Incredibly, for reasons I have not yet been able to find out, the web team hasn’t yet disabled the Retirement Party discounts on some of those 24×30 Lithographs. So that means there are even still some (now-discontinued-and-supposed-to-be-removed-from-the-site) posters still available for $6.95 and even a few still available for $2 (limit one per order only). So- at least as of midnight, Colorado time, you can still get several posters for cheaper-than-ever prices. At least until the bonehead in the web department catches his mistake and removes those discontinued products from the site. (Hi J.B.- sorry to rat you out but for real, you screwed up big time. Next time- PAY ATTENTION TO THE EXPIRATION DATE OF OUR PROMOTIONS AND YOU WON’T END UP BEING RATTED OUT IN FRONT OF 150,000 people!)

So- that’s this week’s big promo. I was supposed to get it out Wednesday but I didn’t. But I hope some of y’all will jump on it so we’ll get a big sales response and I’ll look like I’m so good at my job that I don’t even have to hit my own deadlines on time and yet I can still bring the response rate action. Put simply, if you love me, you’ll buy a lot of posters ASAP.

(Since I lack an arsenal of gorgeous graphics with which to manipulate you into an impulse purchase, I’m resorting to something closer to emotional blackmail. Please play along with me here, otherwise I might get the feeling that maybe you only like me, you know, as a friend…)

Oh, by the way, in other news, Despair launched another new Demotivator this week. Introducing Bailouts. Normally, I’d include a sexy-looking picture of the design in my Wailing List, but alas, I have none handy. So you’ll have to visit the link above to check it out!

That’s it for this week! I’m off to climb a mountain!

Introducing “Accomplishments“- a brand-new Demotivator from Despair.com.

(This announcement is brought to your without any lengthy digressions so that I can win a bet. Thank you for your understanding. Please tweet about the design if you like it. That is all.)

Summertime is here- and that can only mean one thing- it is bloody SEARING in TEXAS! In fact, it’s so dang HOT here we are practically CRAZY FROM THE HEAT! Can I get a witness?! Thank you, Dave!

Just how CRAZY are we really? What if I were to tell you that Despair is selling some of our best-loved Demotivator Lithographs for only $2! No, I’m not kidding! We’re saying goodbye to some old favorites- classics like “Pessimism” and “Agony”, and newer beauties like “Dreams” and “Give Up”- and many, many more! And if you act fast, you’ll have a chance to pick up several of those babies for $2- that’s 90% off the retail price!

I’ve never seen them do THAT before! But we’re trying to clear up space in the warehouse to make room for our revolutionary Fall lineup! And this is how we do it!

We’re also getting rid of the last few hundred of our 2008 model Pessimist’s Mugs (both screen-printed and etched!). And you can pick your first one up for $2! (Or $3 if you want the etched mug!) They’re almost- but not quite- as gorgeous as our 2009 upgrade versions- but at those prices, WHO CARES WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE?! And at those rates, expect these to be gone in a manner of minutes!

But wait- we’re not only permanently retiring 19 of our beloved 24″x30″ lithographs, and not only liquidating some perfectly fine 2nd generation Pessimist’s Mugs, we’re also offering AMAZING discounts on a wide variety of soon-to-be-retired DespairWear Tees!

We’re offering 50% on some gorgeous designs- including several 6-8 color Demotivator Tees! Mistakes, Wishes, Consistency, Burnout & Worth! All available for $9.95! (Only While supplies last!)

And there are a LOT more than just those tees- in fact, there are 24 additional shirts available for $9.95- including (I can’t believe they are doing this!!!) the few Executive Edition Frowny Tees we have left in stock. Those things COST US over $35 to make! But we’re getting rid of the 20 or so Small and Mediums that we still have in stock for 9.95! (Attention little ladies- those are sized for you! They are SO soft and cozy it’s like wrapping yourself in the velvety fur of some impossibly cuddly endangered species! But it costs less than a pack of Sham-Wows! That’s no SHAM- but it’s making me wanna say “WOW”!)

Do NOT miss out on your last chance to own some true Despair classics before they go away forever! Seriously- I can’t emphasize this strongly enough even if I use some idiotic font size for emphasis again… THESE ARE THE STEEPEST DISCOUNTS DESPAIR HAS EVER OFFERED! And if you choose to sit this one out because you’re hoping for, oh, I don’t know, a 95% sale at some point down the road, then your head is going to transmogrify into a giant lollipop and you’ll find yourself nearly deafened by a particularly humiliating punchline, all while the at home audience laughs hysterically at you for being a CHUMP!  Don’t Chumpatize Yourselves! And don’t sit there thinking, “Oh, why bother? This’ll probably take 6 weeks to ship like my Blackout order did- and by the time I get it, I’ll probably regret ordering it in the first place… Wowzy wowzy woo woo!” Why shouldn’t you? Because all of these Retirement Party items are in-stock and able to ship NOW! That means they’ll leave the warehouse within 24-48 hours of your order placement and be there before the Buyer’s Remorse really takes hold and makes you regret that you even ordered! Wicked!

Now stop reading this stupid e-mail and start shopping before all the good stuff is gone! Good luck!

Our first-ever Caption Contest is complete. With over 20,000 votes cast, the 1st Prize winner of the contest is one Daniel Swensen- who received over 4,000 votes for his entry! For his efforts, he’ll receive a $500 cash prize, as well as an assortment of miscellaneous crap that we’ll grab out of the “damaged returns” bin.

But Daniel’s not the only winner. We’re also happy to announce that one Jonathan Holmberg of Fort Collins, Colorado won our $200 Retweeter prize. He- along with many others- used his Twitter account to Retweet my Twitter Caption Contest invitation. His name was chosen at random from the list of other Retweeters- and as a result, he’s winning $200!

Yet, there are other winners as well. Including all of YOU! Because- through the end of the month- you can pick up a FREE desktopper of “PERSEVERANCE“, simply by adding it to your cart and placing an order for $19.95 worth of other stuff at our website. Awesome!

And yet, there are still further winners. We decided to honor a few additional entries to the contest- entries which, while not really qualifying for consideration for various reasons, still prompted guilty laughter, or pained groans, or disbelieving winces. They are:

(It’s the Brief Return of Our Most Generous Sales Promo Ever!)

(Please read this email very carefully. People didn’t bother to read it closely last time,then got mad at ME because they couldn’t follow instructions! It’s not my fault you’ve got A.D.D.! Blame your parents for plopping your toddler butt in front of the television instead of making you read some LITERATURE every once in a while! Not that this is literature, mind you, though you could be forgiven for thinking it was- given how bloody wordy this opening preamble is. Blame MY parents for acting like every little trivial utterance from my mouth was sheer brilliance*.)

BEGINNING IN 7 HOURS- AT 12AM CST ON WEDNESDAY MORNING-
DESPAIR.COM INVITES YOU TO PICK OUT YOUR VERY FAVORITE LITHOGRAPH, DESKTOPPER,
4-COLOR MUG OR DESPAIRWEAR T-SHIRT. AND WE’LL GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FREE.

That’s right. This April Fools’ Day, Despair, Inc. is revisiting our most beloved promotion ever- The Gift. For 48-hours only, Wailing List subscribers like yourself have a chance to choose your most favorite item- from our collection of over 20 4-color Demotivator mugs, over 100 desktoppers, over 35 DespairWear tees or 60 lithographs- and we’ll give it to you for FREE. (As long as your order size is at least $20 and you use the right coupon code. And no, we’re not paying for shipping! Who do you think are, Frankie Valli or something? Get over yourself AGAIN!)

Oh but wait- guess what? If your product order total is over $35, we’ll actually throw in a FREE PESSIMIST’S MUG. We didn’t do THAT in our last Gift Promotion! (NOTE: The Pessimist’s Mug will NOT appear in your cart- but WILL be included if your PRODUCT ORDER TOTAL is $35 or greater. This is like a Trust Fall- where you trust us, even if we’re figuratively sporting a mega-mullet like the beets in the aforementioned clip…)

Oh OH! Wait WAIT! What’s that? If you spend over $50 on products- we actually WILL ship it to you for FREE via UPS Ground! (Provided that you live in the United States. Sorry Canada- but don’t worry- we’ll annex you soon enough. And then you’ll get to participate in Free Shipping promotions like this. As you pay for your goods with Ameros…)

At the risk of causing you to burst asunder with excitement, I have even more good news! We’re unveiling even more NEW PRODUCTS in this very promotion- any one of which can be yours for free if you so choose! Starting with 2 New 4-color Demotivator Mugs- Blogging and Corruption!

So- if you want your free gift to be one of our 4-color mugs, just use the coupon code IMaFOOLforMUGS.

But hey- maybe you’re a fan of DespairWear… Maybe you’d like to snag a FREE t-shirt from our famed collection! I’ve got good news for you, too, as we just recently added a NEW, long-requested Demotivator design to the DespairWear Collection. It’s the Limitations T-Shirt!

If you’d like your free gift to be something from our DespairWear Collection, simply use the coupon code IMaFOOLforDESPAIRWEAR when placing your order. (PLEASE NOTE: If ordering 2XL or 3XL sizes, the code is valid for $18.95 out of $20.95. Those anorexic pervs at American Apparel charge us a lot more for the larger sized tees… Sorry!)

If you’d rather that your free gift be a Demotivators Lithograph, simply use the coupon code IMaFOOLforLITHOGRAPHS.

And lastly, if you’d rather that your free gift be a Demotivator Desktopper, just use the coupon code, IMaFOOLforDESKTOPPERS.

Now- normally, I’d launch into a series of tangents at this point. Perhaps coming up with yet another reason why you should consider following my Twitter feed…

Would that I had the spare time, I’d specifically mention that the Twitter Feed is also the gateway to my TwitPic page, which was recently sponsored by Maxoderm, Xanadu, Talisker 10 Year, or a certain establishment’s very recent, er, Blowout Sale. But if you had endured all that mind-rotting garbage, you might have actually spent a moment being edified by a wrenchingly poignant poem by Ted Hughes. (Or maybe you’d have just suffered through yet another moment of self-indulgence by the Gen-X version of George Lucas…)

But I don’t have time for any of that sort of self-celebrating nonsense… Because we’re less than half-a-day-away from the Most Generous Sales Promotion Despair Is Going to Have In The Next Many Months. So I’ll restrain myself and save that bit of vanity for a later issue of The Wailing List.

*Or so I liked to pretend… As I sat alone in my room. My only company a 2XL Toy Robot who I mistakenly believed to be alive. And my best friend. And interested in every little dumb thing I had to say… You’ve got your troubles… I’ve got mine. Bed-wetting was one of them, back in the day. But I’m OVER that now, Ladies. Totally. It hasn’t been a problem in like MONTHS. Despite the nefarious temptations of Jesse & Jeane Stern.