The Despair Inc. Blog

Introducing yet another brand-new Demotivator-  Priorities!

Created in rejoinder to one of the most popular motivational posters of all time, this design is being introduced in a shockingly generous promotion that mirrors last week’s unexpectedly popular Tradition giveaway.

In case you missed it- we’re giving you the chance to own a FREE LITHOGRAPH & DESKTOPPER of this entirely new design- provided you order $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.  All you need to do is go to the link and add one or both of those goodies to your cart- and you’ll find that yet again, the first one of either (or both) is free.  (Limit one of each free per order.)  Incidentally, the design is now available for inclusion in your next Standard or Special-Edition version of our Summer 2008 Calendars, as well.

WHY have we authorized this insanely generously promotion?  I actually have no idea.

When I asked my boss, the VP of Marketing, I was informed that the answer was “above my pay grade”- an answer I have heard from her in response to dozens of questions, including, “Why do you smell like Triple Sec- it’s only 10 in the morning?” to “Why are you throwing up in my trashcan instead of yours?” to “Is there anything that can be done to raise my pay grade?”

(I actually have heard rumors that Dr. Kersten has a running bet with an investor about whether or not Despair can break some sort of sales record this month, for whatever that’s worth…)

So there you have it.  Another new Demotivator.  Another surprisingly generous promotion. Another installment- however slight- in the ongoing heroic saga of an unappreciated marketing peon toiling in the bowels of the world’s leading purveyor of goods for unappreciated peons toiling in the bowels of the rest of the world’s corporations.

You read it correctly. In honor of one of the world’s most abjectly idiotic annual rituals, Despair.com is giving away a free Tradition Desktopper AND Lithograph with any order of $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.

Imagine being able to own one of our most popular Demotivators of all time- in two beautiful formats- without having to pay for either! All you have to do is add one of each of them to your shopping cart, and then buy $19.95 or more worth of other Despair goods.

Why- you could get these two free beauties while picking up a couple of our awesome t-shirts (which are still on sale for the month of July!). If you were particularly smart, you’d sneak in a set of our apparently still free Demotivator Vinyl Adhesive packs while you were at it- and thus get THREE free promotional items at the same time. But since most of you don’t even bother to read my marketing copy, and instead simply react to the pictures above, you’ll probably miss out on that. In fact, inevitably some of you won’t even bother to put the freebies in your shopping cart- perhaps assuming we’ll do that for you after the fact… But we won’t. If you don’t add them to the cart, you will not get them. We’ve tried to make this fool-proof- please don’t outsmart us by being even dumber than we fear the worst of you are! Please!

FREE DESKTOPPER AND LITHOGRAPH PROMOTION IS VALID UNTIL JULY 15TH.
BUT DON’T TARRY, BECAUSE WE MIGHT RUN OUT OF THEM BEFORE THEN.

VISION:

How can the future be so hard to predict 

when all of my worst fears keep coming true?

Introducing a brand new Demotivator both beautiful and striking- which speaks of the great curse so many of us pessimists bear. We fear the worst will come- and are so often not disappointed, even as we are disappointed. We worry about catastrophes ahead in our relationships, our workplaces, our economies- and find that all too often those fears are prophecies.I myself remember as though it were yesterday being dumped by one I believed was to be my eternal soulmate- after I prophesied it would happen…

Continue reading”A Brand New Demotivator - Vision” »

THAT’S RIGHT! THE SUMMER EDITION CALENDAR IS NOW SHIPPING!
DR. E.L.KERSTEN IS BACK WITH A VIDEO TOUR OF OUR DIY TOOL!
AND WE’RE GIVING AWAY FREE DIY PARODY PRINTS (FOR A LIMITED TIME)!

Yet again, I find myself more than a little surprised by the embarrassment of riches we’re offering this week! In fact, I’m frankly at a loss for words- which I’m sure will come as a great delight to the many of you who complain that I have a verbosity problem. So yet again, I’ll avoid providing you with my usual supply of perfectly legitimate grousing, periodic company gossip, and/or the occasional typographical error… Instead, let’s go directly to the gratuitous product plugging…

The Summer-Edition Build Your Own Calendar is Here!

With a start month of July 2008 and an ending month of June 2009, this calendar is the perfect late Father’s Day Present! (Of course we can’t likely get it there in time- don’t even ask. But you could print of a picture of it and tell them it’s coming next week, right? It’s your DAD, after all- he’s already become perfectly accustomed to the stable supply of disappointment you’ve provided him with over the years… Why surprise him?)

And hey- don’t forget- the Special Edition version of that same calendar also include 4 additional prints of your choosing for only $5 more! That’s a steal!

The New DIY Guided Tour Video

In what is either an overt homage to Apple.com or an outright theft of look/feel, Dr. E.L.Kersten offers individuals an online tutorial in the usage of our nifty Do-It-Yourself tool for creating Parody Motivational posters. But the true surprise is that- for a limited time- Kersten has authorized that your first DIY print is FREE (rather than the $12.95 we usually charge)! (But remember, you need to order $19.95 in other products from our store in order to get the discount…)

And speaking of freebies and discounts and videos…

Demotivator® Vinyl Adhesives!

What do you know? Last week’s “first-pack-is-free” promotion on the new Demotivator® Vinyl Adhesives seems not to have yet been updated yet! So if you haven’t already picked up a set, you probably should- because the IT guys will eventually get around to reading this mail and will disable the freebie code. (What, you don’t know what the Demotivator Vinyl Adhesives are? Well why don’t you watch the video above and find out!) And on top of all this other freebie goodness, The Bummertime Sale is still underway! So all t-shirts are still discounted by $5! What more do you need to know?

The pitching is over- let the buying BEGIN!

Experience the latest entry into Despair’s growing collection of cinematic excursions- an epic work titled simply, “Teamwork“. How epic, you wonder? It’s over 13 minutes long- split into two parts- and, in its native format, is 1920×1080 pixels in size. Yes, I said over 13 minutes. So you’re going to have to be discreet if you attempt to watch it in the workplace… (And as always, we aren’t liable if you get fired for doing that…)

But that’s not all. All of Despair’s earlier videos have been released in higher-resolution Flash-player formats- so that they can be enjoyed anew in richer resolution across most computing platforms and browsers.

Go team!

INTRODUCING THE LATEST DEMOTIVATOR® DESIGN IN DESPAIRWEAR FORM.

One of our most dehumanizing designs to date has finally made the leap to DespairWear form! Our Worth Demotivator joins other classic Demotivator designs, including Consistency, Cluelessness, Wishes, Potential, and Mistakes- and in so doing, makes the already devastating line of surprisingly well-produced t-shirts even more unbearably soul-crushing!

As with all of DespairWear Demotivator Tees, the photographic original has been beautifully translated into illustrated form with artistry and finesse. And for the remainder of the week, Wailing List subscribers can pick up their own Worth Tee for $3 off the retail price- just by using the coupon code “worthless”. (Remember- don’t include the quotes when keying the code in our check-out process, or a $3 Bonehead Tax will be added to your order.)