The Despair Inc. Blog

Valentine’s Nears, Free Shipping Is Here!

February 5, 2010 at 7:44 pm

I’ve only got a little bit to promote this week- and one axe-to-grind (that might actually benefit those of you who read these emails in their entirety). The main pitch? A FREE SHIPPING coupon – for domestic U.S. customers. The code to use if you want free shipping is ouch- and it is good until end-of-day Saturday. You’ve got less than two weeks until Valentine’s- why not load up on the only candy that make any sense on such a miserable holiday?

My next item is… Ah yes! Flacking the last few remaining “Paternity” tees!

“

Our once impressive supply of 500 tees has now dwindled down to but a handful- so as of end-of-day Sunday, we are pulling these guys from the website forever! So if you have any desire to snag one of these babies, order it NOW!

And now for my axe to grind… This last part is to the two dudes in the nearby office who manage the Despair.com website. You forgot to take down the Clearance Sale page. That was supposed to be gone last week! If you READ MY WAILING LISTS every once in awhile, you might actually KNOW when a promotion is supposed to be OVER! So I’m just going to needle you in public- knowing that you might not even get THIS email reminder to turn off the sale. But since you-know-who DOES read these mails (supposedly), I suspect you’ll be getting an email in short order asking WHY it is that you repeatedly ignore the deadlines for marketing promotions. And then you’ll HAVE to promise to do a better job in the future (meaning you’ll have to start reading my stuff again!

So- if you’re still reading this and you DON’T work for Despair- you can probably use that Clearance Sale link for at least the next few hours. My guess is somebody will catch on eventually and remove it by tomorrow if not later today. We’re such the model of efficiency here.

Filed under Bittersweets™, Despairwear, Products, Wailing List | Comments

The Valentine’s Day Assault Beginning – Arm Yourselves

January 11, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Happy belated 2010! I’m glad to be back- and glad to kick the year off right with one of my favorite pieces of marketing copy in the entire Despair arsenal- the “BitterSweets” product sheet. As I mentioned last year, I earnestly attemped- once- to write my own BitterSweets marketing copy from the ground up. But after spending hours on it- I realized I simply had no hope of improving on the original (below). I only wish I could claim to have written it myself- but alas, that distinction falls to Despair’s most notoriously black-hearted writer (who I would name here by name were I not afraid of the potential repercussions. One doesn’t taunt the black-hearted needlessly, certainly not when they are higher-ranking on the org chart AND particularly cruel-humored.)

But one thing I will ADD before launching this is a never-before used coupon code. If you want to save 15% on any of our three-collection of “BitterSweets“- or on our 3-pack bundle- simply use the coupon code blackheart when placing your order- and save you will!

For those who missed the sneak-peak e-mail we sent a few days before New Year’s, Despair has both added BitterSweets candies back to our website and also introduced a new, limited-edition DespairWear t-shirt called Cupid Keeps Missing.

I have labored for hours in an attempt to write richer marketing copy than already has been written by our writing team about our BitterSweets candies. But that brilliant copy is simply impossible for me to improve upon. So I will break from my usual policy of avoiding large-scale cut-and-paste jobs, so that I can I bring these devastatingly crafted words to the attention of those of you who’ve missed out.

Bittersweets®

For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine’s Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear’s romantic indignities, today’s loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering.

Introducing Bittersweets®- The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us.

Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was “so totally way hotter.”

Now available in THREE unique collections- “Dejected”, “Dysfunctional”, and “Dumped”- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

“Dejected” sayings include:

Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.

(You know what we’re talking about.)

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.

Order Yours Now!

Filed under Bittersweets™, Products, Specials, Wailing List | Comments

Want a Free 4-Color Demotivator® Mug? [PROMOTION HAS ENDED]

January 14, 2009 at 3:07 am

FOR 48-HOURS ONLY, WE’RE GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO GET YOUR FAVORITE FOR FREE.

What’s the catch? Well, you gotta spend $20 at our store on other stuff first.

What kind of stuff? You could snag one of the Standard or PosterBook editions of our 2009 Calendars. Or buy the BitterSweets Bundle- 3 sets of candies for the price of 2. Or snag a $25 e-mail gift certificate. You could pick up a couple of Lithographs (such as Valentine’s Day favorites Romance and Dysfunction). Or you could easily build-your-own 9 Card Notecard Pack. The possibilities are as limitless as your potential is not.

So how does this free mug thing work? Simply go to our Demotivators Mug Page- then decide which design you want, then enter the appropriate coupon code (from the list below) when completing your order. It’s so simple even most of you couldn’t screw it up.

Coupon Codes:

For a Free Ambition Mug, use the coupon code “freeambitionmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Consistency Mug, use the coupon code “freeconsistencymug” (without quotes).

For a Free Consulting Mug, use the coupon code “freeconsultingmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Get To Work Mug, use the coupon code “freegettoworkmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Government Mug, use the coupon code “freegovernmentmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Hope Mug, use the coupon code “freehopemug” (without quotes).

For a Free Idiocy Mug, use the coupon code “freeidiocymug” (without quotes).

For a Free Individuality Mug, use the coupon code “freeindividualitymug” (without quotes).

For a Free Meetings Mug, use the coupon code “freemeetingsmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Mistakes Mug, use the coupon code “freemistakesmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Potential Mug, use the coupon code “freepotentialmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Procrastination Mug, use the coupon code “freeprocrastinationmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Quality Mug, use the coupon code “freequalitymug” (without quotes).

For a Free Sanity Mug, use the coupon code “freesanitymug” (without quotes).

For a Free Tradition Mug, use the coupon code “freetraditionmug” (without quotes).

For a Free Worth Mug, use the coupon code “freeworthmug” (without quotes).

But remember, these coupon codes are only valid for 48 hours. If you’re remotely interested in picking up a free mug, you’d be advised to order quickly, because giveaway promotions like this have a curious way of reducing our hearty inventories very quickly. That- combined with our proven lack of talent at estimating demand for products- could promptly lead to another out-of-stock warning on your favorite mug. And a torrent of obscenity-laden emails from many of you, which in turn might prompt an unintended amount of hilarity if (or really when) those emails are printed out and hung on the corkboard in the breakroom for the entertainment of our staff. Don’t let it come to that!

Sorry this particular promotion wasn’t the most entertaining. But if you’re in desperate need of distractions, you could do worse than to follow my My Twitter Feed. It frequently provides literally seconds worth of amusement with Twitter moments like the following (presented in chronological order):

Wow! It’s amazing that such riveting content could possibly be available for free! And yet free it is- for those of you with you with extremely hearty constitutions or desperately lonely lives.

And what’s more- participants even occasionally get a chance to provide marketing feedback to Despair- thus shaping the future product releases of the company (or at least draping the participant in the illusion of shaping our future direction). And we’re not even charging you to give us your feedback! Is this even legal?!

I’ll shut up now. Thanks for persevering.

Filed under Bittersweets™, Demotivators®, Despairwear, Mugs, Specials, Wailing List | Comments

Valentine’s Day is Coming… ARM YOURSELF.

January 9, 2009 at 3:13 am

For those who missed the sneak-peak e-mail we sent a few days before New Year’s, Despair has both added BitterSweets candies back to our website and also introduced a new, limited-edition DespairWear t-shirt called Cupid Keeps Missing.

I have labored for hours in an attempt to write richer marketing copy than already has been written by our writing team about our BitterSweets candies. But that brilliant copy is simply impossible for me to improve upon. So I will break from my usual policy of avoiding large-scale cut-and-paste jobs, so that I can I bring these devastatingly crafted words to the attention of those of you who’ve missed out.

Bittersweets®

For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine’s Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear’s romantic indignities, today’s loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering.

Introducing Bittersweets®- The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us.

Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was “so totally way hotter.”

Now available in THREE unique collections- “Dejected”, “Dysfunctional”, and “Dumped”- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!

“Dejected” sayings include:

Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.

(You know what we’re talking about.)

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.

Order Yours Now!

Cupid Keeps Missing tees are running out. If you’re hoping to sport one this Valentine’s Day, you better order it quickly!

Filed under Bittersweets™, Despairwear, Wailing List | Comments

Cupid Keeps Missing – The Limited-Edition Valentine’s Tee

January 6, 2009 at 3:50 pm

ON JANUARY 5TH, WE’RE MAKING THIS LIMITED-RUN TEE AVAILABLE FOR THE UNWASHED MASSES. (IF THERE ARE ANY LEFT, THAT IS.)

The dreadful specter of the Year 2009 emerges like some apocalyptic beast from the tumultuous seas of future history, looking every bit as overwrought and painful to endure as the opening independent clause of this sentence has proven to be.

In a year likely to be bitterly fruitful with miseries- one day in particular promises to stand out from among them. February 14th. A holiday which celebrates the endless promise of romantic love by blissfully tormenting all those who will spend the day loveless and alone.

But fear not- for wherever large, suffering masses of embittered souls can be found, so too can Despair, Inc. Offering a sympathetic shoulder to cry on while ever-so-gently picking your pocket- leaving only some dark-humored, overpriced tschotschkes as receipt.

Coming this January 5th, Despair will introduce to the public our latest Valentine’s Day collectible- the limited-run “Cupid Keeps Missing” t-shirt- in men’s and women’s versions. A shirt which shows only too well just how crappy a shot Cupid really is. But before the shirt is added to our site and promoted to the public-at-large, we wanted to provide our most loyal audience- the subscribers to the Wailing List- with the chance to order first.

And- while you’re picking up your shirt and its corresponding Numbered Certificate of Authenticity- why not go ahead and load-up on our fantastic BitterSweets candies?

We’ve got collections for the Dejected, the Dysfunctional (above), and the Dumped- at least one of which is very likely to be perfect for you. Am I right?

Filed under Bittersweets™, Despairwear, Wailing List | Comments

Introducing The Candy Heart Generator

January 31, 2008 at 2:34 am

The signs are unmistakable.

The dismal specter of yet another agonizing Valentine’s Day lumbers fatefully closer like some pink, sappy-faced behemoth. It reeks of refrigerated flowers and dirty cash, its roar a cacophony of disposable jingles for cheap diamonds, decapitated roses, and sickening confections barely fit for human consumption. It descends ravenous upon us all, feeding on hearts- whether bitter, black, or broken- passing over only the rare few it finds in a state of true romantic love.

To them, rather the vulgar monstrosity it is, the beast appears instead as a dear friend long awaited. They are swept as lovers into the creature’s intoxicating embrace, not to be devoured, but rather only pickpocketed, then left dizzied and drunk, as the beast returns to hibernation. In a year, it will return- more diabolical than before. And as certain as its coming, it will feed first and most viciously on the very ones it passed the year before. For what romance lasts longer than a season, anyway?

Continue reading”Introducing The Candy Heart Generator” »

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