The Despair Inc. Blog

Introducing yet another brand-new Demotivator-  Priorities!

Created in rejoinder to one of the most popular motivational posters of all time, this design is being introduced in a shockingly generous promotion that mirrors last week’s unexpectedly popular Tradition giveaway.

In case you missed it- we’re giving you the chance to own a FREE LITHOGRAPH & DESKTOPPER of this entirely new design- provided you order $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.  All you need to do is go to the link and add one or both of those goodies to your cart- and you’ll find that yet again, the first one of either (or both) is free.  (Limit one of each free per order.)  Incidentally, the design is now available for inclusion in your next Standard or Special-Edition version of our Summer 2008 Calendars, as well.

WHY have we authorized this insanely generously promotion?  I actually have no idea.

When I asked my boss, the VP of Marketing, I was informed that the answer was “above my pay grade”- an answer I have heard from her in response to dozens of questions, including, “Why do you smell like Triple Sec- it’s only 10 in the morning?” to “Why are you throwing up in my trashcan instead of yours?” to “Is there anything that can be done to raise my pay grade?”

(I actually have heard rumors that Dr. Kersten has a running bet with an investor about whether or not Despair can break some sort of sales record this month, for whatever that’s worth…)

So there you have it.  Another new Demotivator.  Another surprisingly generous promotion. Another installment- however slight- in the ongoing heroic saga of an unappreciated marketing peon toiling in the bowels of the world’s leading purveyor of goods for unappreciated peons toiling in the bowels of the rest of the world’s corporations.

Oops.

In my rush to get out yesterday’s Wailing List, I neglected to mention one important new addition to the Despair Video collection. I will do so now- apologizing first for sending you two mails within so short a window of time.

Fans of Mark Osborne’s Academy-Award nominated short-film masterpiece More will be pleased to note that we’ve increased the resolution of our online version of the film. And what’s more, we’ve actually added 3 commentary tracks for the film- right off of our Special-Edition DVD itself! (Available for sale below the movie itself, in case you missed it.)

The first track is Mark Osborne’s “Creative Commentary”, which offers rich, insightful perspectives on the storyline of the film itself.

Secondly, Mark offers a “Technical Commentary”, explaining how several specific shots in the film were accomplished- as well as how various special effects were achieved.

The final commentary track is from Dr. Kersten himself- who offers an executive’s penetrating perspective into the storyline of MORE.

These commentary tracks are just a fraction of the riches from the Special-Edition DVD. If you consider yourself a fan of great film, you owe it to yourself to pick up a copy of this two-DVD opus. Watch the hour-long documentary “Making More”, which shows how a team of only 6 people, working with an extremely primitive IMAX camera, managed to create this masterpiece. Browse through an additional hour of behind-the-scene footage - as the team documents their mishaps and frustrations in a pressure-cooker environment. Browse through over 100 photos from the shoot- with narration by Osborne. And enjoy two additional stop-motion films- contributed by crew members of More.

What more do you want? DVDTown.com said of the film itself, “The movie succeeds on every level and is a monument in American cinema” and then said of the DVD, “…this six-minute short has produce DVD material that puts the majority of Hollywood studios to shame… (It is) a must-own collection for aspiring independent filmmakers and those who enjoy the crafting of a film.”   (Read the Full DVD Town Reviews  - Part 1 | Part 2 )

In other words- if you don’t already own it, get it!

You read it correctly. In honor of one of the world’s most abjectly idiotic annual rituals, Despair.com is giving away a free Tradition Desktopper AND Lithograph with any order of $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.

Imagine being able to own one of our most popular Demotivators of all time- in two beautiful formats- without having to pay for either! All you have to do is add one of each of them to your shopping cart, and then buy $19.95 or more worth of other Despair goods.

Why- you could get these two free beauties while picking up a couple of our awesome t-shirts (which are still on sale for the month of July!). If you were particularly smart, you’d sneak in a set of our apparently still free Demotivator Vinyl Adhesive packs while you were at it- and thus get THREE free promotional items at the same time. But since most of you don’t even bother to read my marketing copy, and instead simply react to the pictures above, you’ll probably miss out on that. In fact, inevitably some of you won’t even bother to put the freebies in your shopping cart- perhaps assuming we’ll do that for you after the fact… But we won’t. If you don’t add them to the cart, you will not get them. We’ve tried to make this fool-proof- please don’t outsmart us by being even dumber than we fear the worst of you are! Please!

FREE DESKTOPPER AND LITHOGRAPH PROMOTION IS VALID UNTIL JULY 15TH.
BUT DON’T TARRY, BECAUSE WE MIGHT RUN OUT OF THEM BEFORE THEN.

VISION:

How can the future be so hard to predict 

when all of my worst fears keep coming true?

Introducing a brand new Demotivator both beautiful and striking- which speaks of the great curse so many of us pessimists bear. We fear the worst will come- and are so often not disappointed, even as we are disappointed. We worry about catastrophes ahead in our relationships, our workplaces, our economies- and find that all too often those fears are prophecies.I myself remember as though it were yesterday being dumped by one I believed was to be my eternal soulmate- after I prophesied it would happen…

Continue reading”A Brand New Demotivator - Vision” »

THAT’S RIGHT! THE SUMMER EDITION CALENDAR IS NOW SHIPPING!
DR. E.L.KERSTEN IS BACK WITH A VIDEO TOUR OF OUR DIY TOOL!
AND WE’RE GIVING AWAY FREE DIY PARODY PRINTS (FOR A LIMITED TIME)!

Yet again, I find myself more than a little surprised by the embarrassment of riches we’re offering this week! In fact, I’m frankly at a loss for words- which I’m sure will come as a great delight to the many of you who complain that I have a verbosity problem. So yet again, I’ll avoid providing you with my usual supply of perfectly legitimate grousing, periodic company gossip, and/or the occasional typographical error… Instead, let’s go directly to the gratuitous product plugging…

The Summer-Edition Build Your Own Calendar is Here!

With a start month of July 2008 and an ending month of June 2009, this calendar is the perfect late Father’s Day Present! (Of course we can’t likely get it there in time- don’t even ask. But you could print of a picture of it and tell them it’s coming next week, right? It’s your DAD, after all- he’s already become perfectly accustomed to the stable supply of disappointment you’ve provided him with over the years… Why surprise him?)

And hey- don’t forget- the Special Edition version of that same calendar also include 4 additional prints of your choosing for only $5 more! That’s a steal!

The New DIY Guided Tour Video

In what is either an overt homage to Apple.com or an outright theft of look/feel, Dr. E.L.Kersten offers individuals an online tutorial in the usage of our nifty Do-It-Yourself tool for creating Parody Motivational posters. But the true surprise is that- for a limited time- Kersten has authorized that your first DIY print is FREE (rather than the $12.95 we usually charge)! (But remember, you need to order $19.95 in other products from our store in order to get the discount…)

And speaking of freebies and discounts and videos…

Demotivator® Vinyl Adhesives!

What do you know? Last week’s “first-pack-is-free” promotion on the new Demotivator® Vinyl Adhesives seems not to have yet been updated yet! So if you haven’t already picked up a set, you probably should- because the IT guys will eventually get around to reading this mail and will disable the freebie code. (What, you don’t know what the Demotivator Vinyl Adhesives are? Well why don’t you watch the video above and find out!) And on top of all this other freebie goodness, The Bummertime Sale is still underway! So all t-shirts are still discounted by $5! What more do you need to know?

The pitching is over- let the buying BEGIN!

The Bummertime Sale!

THAT’S RIGHT! $5 OFF ALL TEES (INCLUDING 3 NEW ONES!)
AND THERE’S EVEN A WAILING-LIST EXCLUSIVE FREEBIE,
DEMONSTRATED ON VIDEO FOR YOU BY DR. E.L. KERSTEN!

I can hardly believe it myself- that I’m sending out a Wailing List plugging 4 NEW PRODUCTS at once. Yet here we are! I won’t waste your time with a lot of marketing blahsmack this time around- let’s get right to the new stuff! Starting with my personal favorite…

The Overtime Tee!

Yes, it’s our latest entry in the beloved Despair Illustrated collection- the beautiful new “Overtime” Tee! Depicting a desktop perhaps not unlike your own- where an unnamed worker, perhaps not unlike you- has been forced by circumstances beyond his (or her) control into Overtime Play… Where everyone goes home a winner (except, of course, for the employer… Who stands to lose money AND office supplies…)

The Rad Tee!

And how about another little something for you nerdy, scientific sorts? It’s The Rad Tee. And if you don’t understand why it’s the most rad shirt ever made, then you probably have a far more vibrant social life than those of us who DO get it, and think it’s funny… (Lucky jerks…) And hey there nerdy ladies! This one comes in a babydoll tee cut, too!

The Headache Tee!

And last of all- for those of you who prefer your t-shirt humor a little more obvious and a little more confrontational- we’re pleased to introduce you to our new Headache tee. It’s the perfect way to quietly prevail in nearly any argument you might stumble into. In fact, with a shirt like this, you’ll find yourself probably starting arguments just so you can push people to try to counter you, whereupon your eyes need only drift slowly to your own chest while your hands are raised slowly to your temples. That’ll show ‘em!

But we’re still not finished!

Because not only are we discounting ALL of our t-shirts by $5, and not only are we rolling out 3 new designs that rock heavily, we’re also giving you Wailing List subscribers a rare chance to get something as yet unavailable to the outside world- and for free!

Demotivator® Vinyl Adhesives!

The picture and link above will take you to a full-scale product demonstration- offered by Dr. E.L.Kersten. And for a limited time- Wailing List subscribers can get their first set for free! Just add one to your cart and you’ll see the price is $0!. Each additional set is $9.95! (But hey there short-cut lovers- don’t think you can put one in your cart and complete your order… The store minimums are set to $19.95 for any order. You gotta spend SOMETHING- this ain’t a not-for-profit created for the purposes of bringing happiness to those suffering from melancholia. It’s a for-profit created for the purposes of liberating disposable income from the pockets of that same constituency… We’ll give something back to society once we’re crazy rich ourselves, in the grand tradition of other robber barons.)

That’s it! START SPENDING!