The Despair Inc. Blog

Oh yes! It’s back- and it’s bigger than ever! Despair is starting off 2010 with another of our beloved Caption Contests- and this time, we’re giving the winner $750! Wow! How’s THAT for inflation! So- prepare yourselves- one and all- for the battle of wits that pits you again thousands of your fellow demoralized, disgruntled, or disaffected Despair, Inc. fans!

I know most of you have figured out how this works by now- but for the new subscribers and/or the particularly slow long-time followers, here’s the rundown on the rules.

We’ve prepared a perfectly caption-worthy image. Now we’re calling on YOU to with with the perfect title & caption for it!

If your submitted caption is chosen to be the best- you’ll receive a check for $500- along with some other goodies (that may or may not be grabbed hastily from our “RETURNS” bin in the warehouse…)

Here’s how this all works…

From now until noon CDT on Tuesday, we are accepting your caption and title submissions. (Incidentally, the “TITLE” field is NOT asking for your job title… I can’t tell you how many captions I’ve seen that had titles like “INSURANCE ADJUSTER” or “EXECUTIVE CUSTOMER ASSISTANT IN TRAINING” or whatnot. We’re asking you to submit a title for your parody poster!)

When the Submission stage closes, then the Peer-review stage begins! From Tuesday at 12:01pm CDT through Wednesday at midnight CDT- YOU are allowed to vote on randomized, unedited submissions from other participants- should you want to do so.

PLEASE, PLEASE NOTE: I’ll repeat this once again. If you CHOOSE to join the Peer-Review stage, you are choosing to wade through a largely unedited sludge of user-generated (in some cases loser-generated) content. Don’t write angry mails to me about someone else’s caption submission- it’s not my fault! We’re trying to get a little bit better about purging obvious garbage from the user-generated datafile (vulgar or racist stuff, etc.) But you still may occasionally run into something bothersome or unimaginably stupid. That’s the price one pays for the opportunity to help find and elevate the occasional bits of brilliance that will most certainly be buried in this mess.

Again, to those of you willing to brave the wasteland in search of genius, we’re quite grateful for your efforts. That is why- once the contest is complete- we will again offer, for a very brief window- a chance for you to get a framed 5×7 of the winning design for free. But I’m getting ahead of myself… Where was I? Oh yes… Thursday.

On Thursday, we will announce between 6 to 12 semi-finalists from amongst the top contest vote-getters. If you don’t want to read through raw captions but you do want to vote on semi-finalists, you are more than welcome to do so. A final vote will be held starting Thursday afternoon to determine the final contest winner!

All you need to do in order to submit your entry (or entries) is visit this link. Remember, you have until Monday at midnight to submit your suggested caption(s)!

And- once again I’m inviting my Twitter followers- should they want to- to you Retweet the CONTEST invitation below. By doing so, you’ll automatically be registered for a chance to win $200. Simply cut and paste the blue text below into your Twitter update window and tweet it to the world!

DESPAIR.COM CONTEST: Write the best caption for this pic to win $750! http://bit.ly/1hk74 (Retweet 4 chance 2 win $200)

(Yet again, let me remind you: In order to qualify for the Twitter drawing, you need have at least 5 followers. And if it looks like all 5 of your followers were generated by YOU hastily so they can have fake conversations with you, you’ll be disqualified. Let that be a life lesson!

Now. Let my aimless prattling cease and your caption submissions begin!

Limited Edition Santa Shirt

ONLY 1000 SHIRTS WILL BE SOLD. EVER. (WOMEN’S VERSION ALSO AVAILABLE.)

Hark! December 1st is almost upon us- and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for Despair to reveal this year’s Limited-Edition Christmas tee! And this year’s brilliant new design is as gorgeous as it is timely- as Santa Claus himself is forced to contend with the disastrous economic times. At Santa’s Toy Factory, it’s all gotta go- and it’s all gotta go NOW!

And this year’s Christmas Tee includes a special bonus! Each shirt ships complete with a Christmas letter from Santa himself! Read it and weep- for real!

As always- only 1,000 of these beauties will be produced and sold! And, if history is any indicator, they are likely to sell out faster than you can say, “Boy I wonder how long it’ll be before those t-shirt sell out?”!

Also, as before, this particular tee is available in men’s and women’s versions- and will make you the talk of the Christmas party this year even faster than getting blitzed on egg nog and making out with the office “(woman or man of ill-repute)*”. And won’t YOU be the hit at all the stores this year- with all the forlorn shoppers envying you and and the retailers awkwardly attempting to escort you and your stylishly glum tee AWAY from the premises with a quickness!

Ah- but yet again, I anticipate your question! Why would we only produce 1,000 if we know we could sell more than that? The answer is the same as before- Limited-Edition means we’re limiting the editions! It’s our way of making one product every year just a little bit more more special than all the other overpriced “(quality satirical merchandise)*” we produce!

PLEASE NOTE: Orders including this tee will ship by or before the 11th. So get them NOW if you are going to get them!

*EDITOR NOTE: The author’s original word choices have been modified in order to reduce the likelihood of offense during the holiday season. Thank you for your understanding.

Been Bad this Year? That's Okay, Santa's offering a Last Minute Chance to Make Things Right.

Wow. This promotion is so good I don’t even have to dress it up with cheeky ironic marketing copy. Here’s the scoop. If you were hoping to pick up a few pieces of DespairWear for your holiday gift-giving (and you really should- they are so dadgum comfortable and well-printed, to say nothing of their brilliance…) we’re are briefly offering YOU the chance to do it ON THE CHEAP! No, we didn’t lower prices on the website. We’re just offering this deal to you guys and gals because, despite our protestations to the contrary, we actually love you folks. (Just Filio love for now, not the Eros or Agape kind*.)

If you want to pick up some great shirts on the cheap- you’ll need to use this coupon code when completing your order: notallofusdressforsuccess.

It will automatically reduce the price of any and all t-shirts in your shopping cart by 30%. Want to buy 4 different shirts? Go ahead- you’ll save $23! Even I know it’s a great deal. When I heard about it this morning, I was all like, “For real, whaaaaa?” and my boss was like, “Yeah, totally” so then I go, “That’s like, whoa!” and she was all, “Yah tell me about it” so then I’m all, “Okay, I will… It’s like crazy Eddie time, but you know, without the fraud, racketeering, and money laundering…” and I had a lot more to say but then she cut me off and goes, “I didn’t really mean for you to elaborate further. It’s a good deal. Let’s leave it at that.” Girl harshed my vibe something fierce with that barbed volley, let me tell you.

Remember, though, we print our shirts on American Apparel tees because they take the ink really well and they’re super-dooper comfortable. But they run SMALL! So order a size larger than you normally would- just to be safe.

As far as I can tell, this coupon code expires early next week. So act fast if you’re looking to score some clever, comfy, cool shirts for your holiday stocking stuffers!

(Remember, the code is notallofusdressforsuccess.)

Gotta run! I’m about to get my Scotch and Retro-gaming fix on.

* I mean, I really don’t know you THAT well. Plus, I’m just sort of playing the field right now, you know, not looking for things to get TOO serious… Not after what happened LAST time with a certain someone who I’ve promised not to mention by name- though she knows who she is, and for some blasted reason chooses to subscribe to my Wailing List even though I’ve asked her to stop reading it **, since SHE was the one who decided it was over between us, and she’s the one who accuses me of not being able to let go.

** Well, who can’t let who go, really? I’m not reading your Facebook or Twitter postings anymore- but you can’t stop reading my Wailing List emails? They aren’t even to you or about you or of concern to you… But you still gripe to certain mutual friends about some random marketing newsletter I sent weeks before? It’s not my fault things with Mr. Glamtastic went south. You should’ve known it was doomed from the moment you saw him cough violently after knocking back that shot of melon liqueur at The Light Bar. You can’t build a House of Love on a foundation made of Wuss. And if you want my permission to have that quote put on a tombstone memorializing the death of your rebound relationship with Mr. Orange Blossom Scents with Lavender Basenotes, well, you better well pay me a royalty***…

*** “Call me!”

Some believed his book was forever lost to history.

Others assumed it was only a legend in the first place- just another in a seemingly endless series of elaborate hoaxes perpetrated by a master of the craft.

Could it possibly be true? Did the world’s most notorious con-artist, Charles Ponzi himself, actually write an autobiography- his own personal account of his ascendency from obscurity and poverty into staggering wealth, fame, and eventual infamy?

And if he DID author such a work- what on earth became of it? Despair, Inc. has discovered the answer.

And this holiday season, we are making a fully-illustrated and carefully-documented version of the legendary lost work available to the world at large for the very first time.

Yes. We’re completely serious. No, this isn’t a fiction, or an elaborate satire. This is the real book- published by the real man who changed even our language.

—

Featuring:

• OVER 100 PHOTOGRAPHS, MANY NEVER BEFORE PUBLISHED

• THE FULL, UNABRIDGED TEXT OF PONZI’S 1936 LOST MASTERPIECE

• OVER 100 ADDITIONAL PAGES OF ORIGINAL HISTORICAL COMMENTARY BY DESPAIR, INC.

• A MASSIVE 7.265” x 11.5” PAPERBACK  (Limited-edition hardcover coming in 2010)

• SEE LOOK INSIDE THIS BOOK FOR ADDITIONAL FEATURES AND SAMPLE PAGES

Owning a first-edition version of Despair’s gorgeous and historic paperback isn’t just an investment in your betterment. It may be the investment of a lifetime…

In the fullness of time, who knows? Who can even begin to speculate about what a first-edition version of Despair’s gorgeously-illustrated re-issue of this profound work might someday be worth?

Could a first-edition print of Despair’s The Rise of Mr. Ponzi- already a steal at $29.95- soon find its own value quickly inflating? Double, tripling, even quadrupling in value in only a very short period of time- as other fans of historic autobiographies learn of the incredible scarcity of such a singularly important book? A book which certain anonymous-but-nevertheless-extremely-influential luminaries within the investing community have referred to as, “The number-one must-own holiday book for the 2009 gift-giving season!”

And who dare even begin to dream what sort of interest this book might generate for that huge audience of modern Ponzi-scheme victims out there? Those fleeced by the lesser Ponzi acolytes like Madoff and Stanford? Will they not – upon learning of the dwindling supply of first-edition Ponzi autobiographies – react in an immediate impulse purchase of the work? Can they resist the temptation to seek sweet solace for their bitter wounds by hastily buying one copy- (or many)- so as to gain a deeper insight into the mind of the Con Man? Would they not be willing to pay many times the original purchase price in order to have an invaluable first-edition copy of Despair’s release of The Rise of Mr. Ponzi?!

THE MIND BOGGLES AT THE POTENTIAL WEALTH THAT MIGHT CONCEIVABLY BE RETURNED TO THOSE ENTERPRISING SLICKERS WHO HAD THE FORESIGHT TO INVEST QUICKLY- WHILE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY WAS BRIEFLY OPEN!!! HURRY UP, DON’T BE CHUMP, SEE? BUY IT NOW- OR YOU’LL BE THE WISEGUY WHO FINDS HIS HEAD iS BEING WRAPPED UP IN A BIG BIT OF COLORED PAPER THAT SAYS,”SUCKER” ALL OVER IT! YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU, MUG!

(Can you tell my bedtime reading has been for the last three weeks? I thought so…

By the way… If you want to Twitter about this amazing new investment opportunity, here’s a helpful tweet- ready to go!

DESPAIR.COM unveils the INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY of a LIFETIME! It’s Ponzi’s autobiography! http://cli.gs/rgRuzB

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches- we’ve received more and more emails and phone calls from folks asking (frequently with a petulant huff), “What happened to the Retirement Party page- I bookmarked it, but now it’s gone- right when I was ready to shop!” or “Where are those Clearance Sale items I saw? I was going to pick up some posters for (INSERT NAME OF PERSON THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE MUCH ABOUT HERE)- but now I can’t! Help!”

The answer- then and now- is that Despair only puts Clearance Items on the website once-in-a-blue-moon, when we’re trying to free up a few palettes in the warehouse for new overpriced swag, or for Fall Catalogs, or for beer or something.

Sadly, as I’ve pointed out more than once, some folks out there simply don’t read our Wailing List promotions very carefully. (I know it’s not the best written newsletter in the world- as I can reliably receive dozens-to-hundreds of emails of rebuke or correction after any grammatical error or spelling mistake. Thank you SOOOO much for that, by the way… Like I don’t have enough problems…)

Because folks frequently DON’T read carefully enough, they often reach incorrect conclusions. Such as those folks who operated under the false assumption that- when it came time to do some holiday shopping, they’d be able to find a bunch of bargain-basement posters or retired DespairWear tees at Despair.com… Despair doesn’t keep clearance items perpetually on the site- especially not when catalogs start being mailed!

Nevertheless, we’ve received enough sad sack sob stories from people who made an ASS out of U and ME to briefly offer a respite. But listen carefully. We’re putting them back on the website for 6 hours only. We don’t want this sale to end up on dozens of coupon code and bargain hunter websites and end up being enjoyed by those who aren’t core customers. So you’ll have to get in- do your shopping fast- and get out.

If you missed out and you want a chance at discontinued DespairWear tees for $7.95 to 9.95, or discontinued Demotivator lithographs for $6.95, or Demotivator vinyl adhesives for $7.95, or whatever- you’ll have to visit this link starting tomorrow morning at 8am Central Time. You will have until 2pm to get in and grab what you want and close the sale.

PLEASE NOTE: The username and password WILL NOT WORK until tomorrow morning at 8am. So don’t write emails saying,”I can’t get this to work!” because it will not work until the morning.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: The discounted 12 month Demotivator calendars will be still be discounted to $15.95 until 2pm, as well. After that, they return to their standard price of $19.95.

My apologies to those of you on the other side of the globe who might be forced to shopping at some strange hour in order to get in on the deal. I know most folks would prefer to shop while they are at work- rather than have to give up valuable free time at home. But I’d still encourage you to set an alarm and take advantage of this. Y’all frequently get hosed on the international shipping rates and the various extortion rackets your Customs Offices run- but if you make the effort to order during this 6 hour window, it still might net out as a bargain for you in the end. And that’s DEFINITELY not something that happens every day!

So. Any questions? I recommend you send them to me via Twitter. It’s easier / faster for me to handle them there. Plus the 140-character limit spares you my characteristic verbosity… Which has been on full display in the course of this email.

Hasta!

REMEMBER!

The USERNAME is whiners. The PASSWORD is begone. The link is here. And the 6 hour sale window lasts from 8am Central Time to 2pm.

MONDAY AT 8AM CST- DESPAIR WILL UNVEIL A PRIVATE HOLIDAY SALES EVENT SO EXCLUSIVE WE CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU ABOUT IT UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.

This is it. Coming Monday morning, Despair will invite you- the Wailing List subscribers- to partake in perhaps the most radical promotional event Despair has ever undertaken.

How radical is it? It’s Smash-Your-Computer-And-Tear-Your-Larynx-Screaming-Obscenities-At-Despair Radical. It is the first marketing promotion in Despair history that I- your humble Marketing Peon- have been able to completely define myself- without interference from marketing Higher-Ups (and only slight interference from the one Marketing Lower-Up, Heidi the Intern).

The only constraint I was given- imposed by Dr. Kersten himself- was that I couldn’t announce it until 12 hours before the event starts- because, in his words, “If this gets out too early, you’ll have a ton of outsiders trying to game it. And that can not be allowed to happen.”

So- Sunday night at 8PM CST- I will mail out the complete parameters of this promotion to Wailing List subscribers. The promotion will begin 12 hours later- Monday at 8AM CST.

About it- I can say only the following as hints. Yes, it will include new Demotivators (including the one that I wrote above!). Yes, it will break many rules of Conventional Marketing. Yes, items ordered during the promotion window will arrive before Christmas. (Oh, and Heidi wants me to add that if it fails, it will probably result in me being fired, or at least demoted to something actually lower than an Intern. Thanks, Heidi!)

But- if it succeeds? Well, I’m going to look like the Marketing Genius I have long asserted myself to be (on those occasions when I wasn’t complete disavowing my profession entirely and pretending that I was a promising Screenwriter.). I might even get a bonus or– dare I dream– a Promotion? Not to burden you with my problems, of course. I don’t want to try to Guilt Trip you into buying something, just to validate me as an employee and maybe get me the chance I’ve been dreaming about- to actually get promoted to the Writing Staff. Nor do I want to try to frighten you into buying something during MY FIRST COMPLETELY ORIGINAL MARKETING PROMOTION by invoking the horrors of what the Wailing List might turn into if I was fired and its authorship was turned over to a 20-something year-old SMU Marketing Graduate who worships at the altar of the Neiman Marcus catalog and might turn it into something like this.

“Wait- wait a minute!”, you blurt, shaking the cobwebs off, “is this some sort of total psyche-out? Is this part of the promotion? Trying to shame me into making you look good in front of your superiors by spending money to validate your first promotion? What kind of cheap, emotionally manipulative marketing mind games are you trying to pull?”

Hey. I said it was radical. I meant it.

Find out how Radical by checking your email Sunday Night. Around 8PM CST. And prepare to be infuriated!

As long as I’m emotionally manipulating you, why not join my My Twitter Followership? Some Austinite named Lance Armstrong started started Twittering the same day I did and he’s already got 5x as many followers! What’s up with that? So he rides a bike- I can do that, too! But can he turnaround an Inline Click-Thru Report on a mailing of 125,000 emails while chewing gum and singing along in a pitch perfect imitation of Vanilla Ice’s now definitive version of Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier. I think not!

Heidi, reading over my shoulder, wants to know, “Who is Vanilla Ice again?” That reggae guy you keep playing?”

And you call yourself a Dallasite.