July 16, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Introducing yet another brand-new Demotivator- Priorities!
Created in rejoinder to one of the most popular motivational posters of all time, this design is being introduced in a shockingly generous promotion that mirrors last week’s unexpectedly popular Tradition giveaway.
In case you missed it- we’re giving you the chance to own a FREE LITHOGRAPH & DESKTOPPER of this entirely new design- provided you order $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise. All you need to do is go to the link and add one or both of those goodies to your cart- and you’ll find that yet again, the first one of either (or both) is free. (Limit one of each free per order.) Incidentally, the design is now available for inclusion in your next Standard or Special-Edition version of our Summer 2008 Calendars, as well.
WHY have we authorized this insanely generously promotion? I actually have no idea.
When I asked my boss, the VP of Marketing, I was informed that the answer was “above my pay grade”- an answer I have heard from her in response to dozens of questions, including, “Why do you smell like Triple Sec- it’s only 10 in the morning?” to “Why are you throwing up in my trashcan instead of yours?” to “Is there anything that can be done to raise my pay grade?”
(I actually have heard rumors that Dr. Kersten has a running bet with an investor about whether or not Despair can break some sort of sales record this month, for whatever that’s worth…)
So there you have it. Another new Demotivator. Another surprisingly generous promotion. Another installment- however slight- in the ongoing heroic saga of an unappreciated marketing peon toiling in the bowels of the world’s leading purveyor of goods for unappreciated peons toiling in the bowels of the rest of the world’s corporations.
July 8, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You read it correctly. In honor of one of the world’s most abjectly idiotic annual rituals, Despair.com is giving away a free Tradition Desktopper AND Lithograph with any order of $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.
Imagine being able to own one of our most popular Demotivators of all time- in two beautiful formats- without having to pay for either! All you have to do is add one of each of them to your shopping cart, and then buy $19.95 or more worth of other Despair goods.
Why- you could get these two free beauties while picking up a couple of our awesome t-shirts (which are still on sale for the month of July!). If you were particularly smart, you’d sneak in a set of our apparently still free Demotivator Vinyl Adhesive packs while you were at it- and thus get THREE free promotional items at the same time. But since most of you don’t even bother to read my marketing copy, and instead simply react to the pictures above, you’ll probably miss out on that. In fact, inevitably some of you won’t even bother to put the freebies in your shopping cart- perhaps assuming we’ll do that for you after the fact… But we won’t. If you don’t add them to the cart, you will not get them. We’ve tried to make this fool-proof- please don’t outsmart us by being even dumber than we fear the worst of you are! Please!
FREE DESKTOPPER AND LITHOGRAPH PROMOTION IS VALID UNTIL JULY 15TH.
BUT DON’T TARRY, BECAUSE WE MIGHT RUN OUT OF THEM BEFORE THEN.
April 24, 2008 at 9:53 pm
* Or So I Was Told to Say by my Superior in Marketing (who apparently had her brakes recently relined…)
Actually it’s because we haven’t sent out a Wailing List in 3 weeks and are trying to silence those of you who are sending in angry emails about it…No coupon codes necessary. Just start shopping. Everything in the store is 25% off, without exception (except for, uh, a few things like Gift Certificates, etc.)
Now- in answer to those of you who have been writing me (or calling the already beleaguered folks in the Call Center) and asking WHY we haven’t sent out a new Wailing List in three weeks… The short answer is that, well, the Product Development department didn’t send us any new stuff to promote since the Blackout. Because (drum roll) they’ve been working on the next Despair Video (Inserting obligatory link to my personal favorite here).
Continue reading”The Wailing List - New Tees AND a Sale!” »
March 12, 2008 at 9:00 pm
WHEN YOU’RE JUST TOO DEPRESSED TO WEAR DESPAIRWEAR…
You’ve already seen his masterful hand at work in Despair’s popular line of Illustrated tees. Working closely with the deeply embittered writers of Despair, Inc.- he’s produced designs as beautiful as they are tragic, including Despair’s most popular t-shirt yet, the now-no-longer-available Twas The Night Before Christmas.
Has dark humor ever seemed more gleeful? Could someone so gifted at illustrating Despair possibly be anything other than a black-hearted malcontent, a soul laboring quietly in darkness, collecting unto himself ever more grudges and resentments towards his few peers, his broken family, and especially his boss, who demonstrates only a talent for drinking during the workday and for underestimating the amazing worth one particular employee in the department who has proven his value a hundred times over but keep getting marginalized because he dropped out of UT Austin back in the 90s and once made a crack at a company party in 2001 about “Fun/Ed” before he realized his boss actually graduated from that particular institute of higher learning and apparently didn’t find that a cause for shame.
Actually…. The answer, to my continuing surprise, is yes. Apparently there are some perfectly well-adjusted people out there who can weave in-and-out of pessimistic humor without having to live the life of an unsung hero in a marketing department at a company specializing in cynical humor products. How do I know this? Because I actually had a drink with him and some other unhappy Despair employees at Opal Devine’s in South Austin several weeks ago- and despite my repeated attempts to get him to reject his reflex optimism and look on the darkside for a change, he maintained an utterly sunny disposition. And yet- put a mouse in his hand, and five minutes later he’s drawing a picture of the grim reaper as seen through a peep-hole. It’s freaky.
I’m sorry I keep digressing.
Continue reading”6 New Tees from the Artist of Despair Illustrated” »
March 2, 2008 at 9:52 pm
AN ASTONISHING NEW DOCUMENTARY. FROM LAURA DUNN, A FRIEND OF DESPAIR.
Yes, you read it right.
Despair, Inc. — the occasionally-lovable-but-mostly-irritating-rogues-who-constantly-
pepper-your-in-box-with-advertisements-and-promotions-for-a-truly-dazzling-array-
of-crap-you-absolutely-do-not-need-and-very-probably-should-not-buy – helped to produce a critically-acclaimed, stunningly beautiful new documentary by longtime company friend and collaborator Laura Dunn. And now that the film is beginning a limited-theatrical run, we’d like to encourage you to see it - if/when it opens in your town.
“What is it about?”, you ask, already skeptical.
Watch the trailer.
Continue reading”Despair, Inc. presents: THE UNFORESEEN - a New Documentary” »
January 31, 2008 at 2:34 am
The signs are unmistakable.
The dismal specter of yet another agonizing Valentine’s Day lumbers fatefully closer like some pink, sappy-faced behemoth. It reeks of refrigerated flowers and dirty cash, its roar a cacophony of disposable jingles for cheap diamonds, decapitated roses, and sickening confections barely fit for human consumption. It descends ravenous upon us all, feeding on hearts- whether bitter, black, or broken- passing over only the rare few it finds in a state of true romantic love.
To them, rather the vulgar monstrosity it is, the beast appears instead as a dear friend long awaited. They are swept as lovers into the creature’s intoxicating embrace, not to be devoured, but rather only pickpocketed, then left dizzied and drunk, as the beast returns to hibernation. In a year, it will return- more diabolical than before. And as certain as its coming, it will feed first and most viciously on the very ones it passed the year before. For what romance lasts longer than a season, anyway?
Continue reading”Introducing The Candy Heart Generator” »
