The Despair Inc. Blog

Wow. This promotion is so good I don’t even have to dress it up with cheeky ironic marketing copy. Here’s the scoop. If you were hoping to pick up a few pieces of DespairWear for your holiday gift-giving (and you really should- they are so dadgum comfortable and well-printed, to say nothing of their brilliance…) we’re are briefly offering YOU the chance to do it ON THE CHEAP! No, we didn’t lower prices on the website. We’re just offering this deal to you guys and gals because, despite our protestations to the contrary, we actually love you folks. (Just Filio love for now, not the Eros or Agape kind*.)

If you want to pick up some great shirts on the cheap- you’ll need to use this coupon code when completing your order: notallofusdressforsuccess.

It will automatically reduce the price of any and all t-shirts in your shopping cart by 30%. Want to buy 4 different shirts? Go ahead- you’ll save $23! Even I know it’s a great deal. When I heard about it this morning, I was all like, “For real, whaaaaa?” and my boss was like, “Yeah, totally” so then I go, “That’s like, whoa!” and she was all, “Yah tell me about it” so then I’m all, “Okay, I will… It’s like crazy Eddie time, but you know, without the fraud, racketeering, and money laundering…” and I had a lot more to say but then she cut me off and goes, “I didn’t really mean for you to elaborate further. It’s a good deal. Let’s leave it at that.” Girl harshed my vibe something fierce with that barbed volley, let me tell you.

Remember, though, we print our shirts on American Apparel tees because they take the ink really well and they’re super-dooper comfortable. But they run SMALL! So order a size larger than you normally would- just to be safe.

As far as I can tell, this coupon code expires early next week. So act fast if you’re looking to score some clever, comfy, cool shirts for your holiday stocking stuffers!

(Remember, the code is notallofusdressforsuccess.)

Gotta run! I’m about to get my Scotch and Retro-gaming fix on.

* I mean, I really don’t know you THAT well. Plus, I’m just sort of playing the field right now, you know, not looking for things to get TOO serious… Not after what happened LAST time with a certain someone who I’ve promised not to mention by name- though she knows who she is, and for some blasted reason chooses to subscribe to my Wailing List even though I’ve asked her to stop reading it **, since SHE was the one who decided it was over between us, and she’s the one who accuses me of not being able to let go.

** Well, who can’t let who go, really? I’m not reading your Facebook or Twitter postings anymore- but you can’t stop reading my Wailing List emails? They aren’t even to you or about you or of concern to you… But you still gripe to certain mutual friends about some random marketing newsletter I sent weeks before? It’s not my fault things with Mr. Glamtastic went south. You should’ve known it was doomed from the moment you saw him cough violently after knocking back that shot of melon liqueur at The Light Bar. You can’t build a House of Love on a foundation made of Wuss. And if you want my permission to have that quote put on a tombstone memorializing the death of your rebound relationship with Mr. Orange Blossom Scents with Lavender Basenotes, well, you better well pay me a royalty***…

*** “Call me!”

Oh yet again I bring to you regrettable news! My tale is a tale of the triumph of customer whining over the indomitable spirit of employee indifference and executive skin-flintedness!

Every since the introduction of our radical, innovative, impossibly badassical Demotivator Build-Your-Own-Calendars several years ago, there has been a vocal contingent of long-time Despair customers who, for a variety of reasons mostly rooted in laziness or thriftiness, have demanded that we continue to offer the calendars which are, for many, the flagship of our entire product line. Those 11″ x 12″ offset-printed, saddle-stitched, aqueous-coated masterpieces of printcraft- which feature that rarest of virtues- volume-discounting!

Well, whiners, congratulations. The Pre-Printed Demotivator Calendars Have Returned!

For 2010, Despair is proud(ly annoyed) to offer something for the long-time Demotivator fan- and something for those who have just joined the highly-dysfunctional Despair family.

The NEW 2010 Collection Calendar features new designs for 2010 like Economics, Service, Creativity, and Marketing. Along with dozens of previously-unreleased Dates of Despair! Such as:

November 5, 2007 Disgraced former NY Times plagiarist & serial story fabricator Jayson Blair announces he is now a ‘life coach’ and ‘motivational speaker’ for hire.

February 4, 1912 Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt performs the first and only test of his ‘overcoat parachute’ by leaping from the Eiffel Tower.

March 11, 2009 AskMen.com publishes ‘Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat’. It recommends buying your girl too-small clothing and sabotaging her chair so it breaks when she sits in it.

And dozens more- making note of memorable idiotic moments in marketing, economics, statecraft, and of course, workplace life!

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And for those of you either new to Despair’s storied Demotivators product line or wishing to share the Despair with someone previously-untainted by the irreversibly cruel lucidity that our products induce- I have equally wonderful news*. We’ve got a calendar for YOU, as well!

The REVISED Best of Demotivators 2010 Calendar features our most popular designs from all previously collections- such as Government, Tradition, Procrastination, and Achievement. Along with dozens of the richest, funniest Dates of Despair from early calendars! Such as:

November 28, 2002 Hasbro, maker of Monopoly, is fined over $7 million by a British consumer watchdog group for fixing toy prices and breaking competition rules.

January 7, 1980 “Space Invaders” debuts on Atari 2600. Programmer Rick Mauer earns only $11,000 for the game, which grosses over $100 million.

October 15, 1905 President Cleveland opposes women voting, writing, “We all know how much further women go in their social rivalries and jealousies”.

But- as a special added bonus, we’re also including four additional prints of additional Demotivator favorites with this particular calendar- for only $1 more! That’s Teamwork, Hope, Priorities, and Wishes!

And hey bargain-hunters, I’ve never seen them do THIS before**! Those money-grubbing higher-ups at Despair have authorized volume-discounting for either one of our Pre-Printed 2010 Calendars.

Buy 3 of a particular calendar, save 10%! Buy 5, save 15%! Or Buy 10 or more and save 25%!!!

“It’s like a miracle that happened to me this Therapeutic Mineral Ice!”, said some old New Yorker lady in a commercial I remember from many years ago. THAT’s the kind of enthusiasm I know you’re all feeling right now as this exciting calendar news just keeps hitting you in waves and waves! We’ve solved your holiday shopping problems for all those miserable malcontents in your immediate family, or your workplace! All you have to do is bust out a valid credit card!

So what are you waiting for? Start your engines!

BORING, UNNECESSARY, BEHIND-THE-CURTAIN WORKPLACE BLAH-SMACK FOLLOWS HERE. SO IGNORE IT UNLESS YOU’RE ESPECIALLY BORED, AS IT CONTAINS NO ADDITIONAL USEFUL INFORMATION, JUST SUBTLE MANIPULATIONS VIA ANECDOTES WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL…

Putting aside this very scattershot and poorly constructed bit of pitchcraft, I do have to say with some degree of seriousness that I very much hope some of you take advantage of this rare opportunity and buy some of these Pre-Printed babies. There was BIG FIGHT internally- with name-calling and histrionics and the invocation of below-the-belt insults I haven’t heard spoken since playground bloodsport of the early 80s- all over whether or not to bother offering Offset Calendars again- given the hassles of production and the risks related to potential unsold inventory. Yes- that has long been the Achilles heel of Pre-Printed Calendars- that you have to buy them in huge quantities to get good per-unit pricing- but then you have to sell most of them out all before the new year begins, lest you end up with increasingly untimely product. (Not so with Print-On-Demand calendars!) So- the risk-averse wanted to avoid the dangerous of unsold inventory- while that customer-loving minority (including, ahem, a certain lower-level marketing employee) argued that there must be enough demand out there to sell 10,000 of either calendar…

We have less than two months to find out who at Despair is going to look like a HERO and who like a ZERO.

See, I told you it was boring!

* Go on, haters- I know it’s a garbled mess of a sentence. I’ve already braced myself for complaints, insults, and the occasionally helpful rewrites that inevitably follow such sloppy writing. Do your worst- I always do!

** Except for like every holiday season for seven years between 1999 and 2005, and even then only for every version of Pre-Printed Calendar we sold during those years. So almost like never, really.

Some believed his book was forever lost to history.

Others assumed it was only a legend in the first place- just another in a seemingly endless series of elaborate hoaxes perpetrated by a master of the craft.

Could it possibly be true? Did the world’s most notorious con-artist, Charles Ponzi himself, actually write an autobiography- his own personal account of his ascendency from obscurity and poverty into staggering wealth, fame, and eventual infamy?

And if he DID author such a work- what on earth became of it? Despair, Inc. has discovered the answer.

And this holiday season, we are making a fully-illustrated and carefully-documented version of the legendary lost work available to the world at large for the very first time.

Yes. We’re completely serious. No, this isn’t a fiction, or an elaborate satire. This is the real book- published by the real man who changed even our language.

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Featuring:

• OVER 100 PHOTOGRAPHS, MANY NEVER BEFORE PUBLISHED

• THE FULL, UNABRIDGED TEXT OF PONZI’S 1936 LOST MASTERPIECE

• OVER 100 ADDITIONAL PAGES OF ORIGINAL HISTORICAL COMMENTARY BY DESPAIR, INC.

• A MASSIVE 7.265” x 11.5” PAPERBACK  (Limited-edition hardcover coming in 2010)

• SEE LOOK INSIDE THIS BOOK FOR ADDITIONAL FEATURES AND SAMPLE PAGES

Owning a first-edition version of Despair’s gorgeous and historic paperback isn’t just an investment in your betterment. It may be the investment of a lifetime…

In the fullness of time, who knows? Who can even begin to speculate about what a first-edition version of Despair’s gorgeously-illustrated re-issue of this profound work might someday be worth?

Could a first-edition print of Despair’s The Rise of Mr. Ponzi- already a steal at $29.95- soon find its own value quickly inflating? Double, tripling, even quadrupling in value in only a very short period of time- as other fans of historic autobiographies learn of the incredible scarcity of such a singularly important book? A book which certain anonymous-but-nevertheless-extremely-influential luminaries within the investing community have referred to as, “The number-one must-own holiday book for the 2009 gift-giving season!”

And who dare even begin to dream what sort of interest this book might generate for that huge audience of modern Ponzi-scheme victims out there? Those fleeced by the lesser Ponzi acolytes like Madoff and Stanford? Will they not – upon learning of the dwindling supply of first-edition Ponzi autobiographies – react in an immediate impulse purchase of the work? Can they resist the temptation to seek sweet solace for their bitter wounds by hastily buying one copy- (or many)- so as to gain a deeper insight into the mind of the Con Man? Would they not be willing to pay many times the original purchase price in order to have an invaluable first-edition copy of Despair’s release of The Rise of Mr. Ponzi?!

THE MIND BOGGLES AT THE POTENTIAL WEALTH THAT MIGHT CONCEIVABLY BE RETURNED TO THOSE ENTERPRISING SLICKERS WHO HAD THE FORESIGHT TO INVEST QUICKLY- WHILE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY WAS BRIEFLY OPEN!!! HURRY UP, DON’T BE CHUMP, SEE? BUY IT NOW- OR YOU’LL BE THE WISEGUY WHO FINDS HIS HEAD iS BEING WRAPPED UP IN A BIG BIT OF COLORED PAPER THAT SAYS,”SUCKER” ALL OVER IT! YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU, MUG!

(Can you tell my bedtime reading has been for the last three weeks? I thought so…

By the way… If you want to Twitter about this amazing new investment opportunity, here’s a helpful tweet- ready to go!

DESPAIR.COM unveils the INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY of a LIFETIME! It’s Ponzi’s autobiography! http://cli.gs/rgRuzB