I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW 1 RANDOM THING ABOUT YOU.
It’s become one of the fastest moving fads in the history of social networking. In one week’s time, over 5 million narcissists, braggarts, exhibitionists, and serial jabbermouths have posted notes to Facebook, disclosing “25 random things” about themselves to their online network of family, friends, friends-of-friends, and of course more than a few pseudo-friends who are just keeping up appearances because they lacked the guts to decline a “friend invite”. All the while, these very same people are exposing their dirty laundry, trivial observations, unsolicited fantasies, yawn-inducing confessions, white-washed biographical highlight reels and probably a hefty share of outright lies to an armada of sexual deviants, unstable stalkers, future blackmailers, potentially nefarious foreign and domestic intelligence agencies, and a legion of marketing bots- all of which are probably paying closer attention than those the list was intended for (for reasons best left unmentioned).
Just what kind of “random things” have been revealed via this mass act of egotistical disgorgement? Why, a friend of journalist Dan Zak of the Washington Post confessed, “I have pooped my pants more than three times as an adult.” Dallasite Mandy Aguilar reveals, “…my dog kisses me on the mouth. It’s cool.” An associate of Time magazine reporter Claire Suddath inexplicably revealed, “I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.”
Multiple the pointlessness and puerility of those three disclosures times 41.6 million- and you’ll begin to get a sense of the sheer enormity of this catastrophe. Has there ever been a greater amount of trivial idiocy manufactured in a smaller amount of time and then forced upon a greater number of victims in the history of human civilization? Okay, besides the blogosophere then?
Unlikely.
And- as is so often the case- whenever massive numbers of fad-loving people publicly engage in annoying acts of self-celebration, an even greater number of people sit, quietly grinding their teeth, annoyed beyond imagining. It is for those people that Despair has created the 1 Random Thing t-shirt (in Men’s & Women’s cuts!). And- for those who order within the next 72 hours- Despair is also offering a chance to save 20% on the shirt itself! Simply use the coupon code “random” (no quotes) and automatically save 20%! That’s almost $4 off! (Offer expires 2/14/09.)
As with last week’s shirt, if you’re wanting to Tweet about it, just copy this url here: http://cli.gs/STdS26 and paste it into your twitter post. (And forgive me for repeating myself, but if you were following my Twitter feed you would’ve learned all this 3 hours ago. Membership has its privileges- and for the moment, I’m not charging anything to be a part of my exclusive social network! Do you really want to risk the chance of one day attempting to join my Twitter feed and learning too late that it requires an annual subscription fee of $20? $50? $100? For a chance to receive far more than just 25 random things about me per week! (Did I really just go there? I think I did.)
And hey there- before I end this- did you know we introduced yet another t-shirt for Facebook users? If you’ve found yourself- after joining Facebook- constantly besieged with friend requests, mob wars invitations, battle-of-the-band invites, “make me a celebrity” inquiries, endless new friend suggestions, and even more invasive requests from people you barely know then the Ignore Tee is for you! (There’s more marketing copy below this pic, if you care…)
Hey ladies, this one comes in a babydoll tee, too- because we KNOW you probably need it even more than the Men on this list do… (Not that we’re stalking your Facebook page or anything. I mean, that would be a violation of the sacred compact between a business and a customer. And the last thing we would ever do would be to use our access to your privileged information- like names and addresses- to research our customers online profiles, searching for that… Special lady who might… Complete us… Even though she just thinks of us at the moment as a friend… Or, at least, a friendly voice on the other end of this email… Even if she doesn’t yet know that we know her so very, very well. And her friends, her family, even 25 Random Things about her…)
Are you creeped out enough yet, girls? You should be- there are people out there who actually think this way! And that’s why you probably need BOTH of these tees! (BTW- the coupon code “random”(no quotes) will give you 20% for this tee as well as the “1 Random Thing” tee. Or on both if you so choose…)
(Oh boy. The lengths I go to amuse myself… Even I can’t believe them sometimes.)
