July 28, 2008 at 10:06 pm
GOVERNMENT:
If you think the problems we create are bad,
just wait until you see our solutions.
I’ve been told to get this design out today- so I don’t even have time to put together a proper Wailing List. I was told, however, that for one last time, Dr. Kersten has authorized his uncharacteristically charitable giveaway promotion- the same one extended earlier to “Tradition” and “Priorities” promotions.
In short- if you want to get either a 24″x30″ Lithograph of Government, or a 5″x7″ Desktopper of it (or both), you can do so for free- simply by adding the items to your cart when you place your order for $19.95 or more worth of other Despair goods.
But the offer is only good through the end of July- so if you want to take advantage of it- act quickly!
Later!
July 24, 2008 at 9:16 pm
FREE SHIPPING IS BACK!
(Until the end of July, at least.)
Not a day goes by without Despair receiving dozens of complaints about our supposedly “outrageous” shipping costs. I don’t even work in the Customer Service group- but even I receive a steady stream of angry emails from people who are tired of having to pay high fees to get already overpriced non-essential discretionary items shipped to their various homes and places of business.
One recent complaint from an angry customer stated:
“I pay $125 each time I fillup my truck. U R RUBBING(sic) ME BLIND! Lower yer shipping fees u crooks so some of us can afford them again!”
This complaint was entirely typical of the many we receive on a daily basis (provided she actually meant to say “ROBBING”*). Incredibly, customers sending such complaints seem to assume that Despair’s shipping costs are a matter of our own choosing, and apparently take place in a universe of solar-powered UPS delivery trucks.
The cost of fuel hurts all of us. Dr. Kersten himself complained recently- in a recent visit to the call center- that it just cost him $100 to fill up the tank of his Porsche. There was a scent of commiseration in the air- at least until he began to enumerate his other complaints. Like how the skyrocketing fuel costs were driving up the price of importing his favorite 30-year single malt scotches. Or how increasing oil prices were affecting the cost of fertilizer and making the whole business of maintaining a topiary far more of a headache than he’d ever imagined…
“Oh blast it… But where else am I going to put a 6 foot tall bronze minotaur sculpture? Just open the bloody Anwar Reserve already! I’m dying here!”
That’s a direct quote. I kid you not.
But to the surprise of all- Kersten followed this litany of complaints with either a rare display of generosity (or- more probably- a very typical display of business cunning). He decided to authorize the return of Despair’s once-in-a-blue-moon FREE SHIPPING coupon. Those wishing to get free shipping on their next domestic order need only include the coupon code “fuelsubsidy” (without quotes) when checking out of the store.
In order to qualify for the free shipping promotion, you must be delivering to an address in the United States. There isn’t a limit on the amount of items you may order during the promotion- so if you feel inclined to get ahead on Christmas shopping by picking up a bunch of t-shirts or mugs or lithographs or calendars while shipping is free, go right ahead. The coupon code is valid through the end of the month. I was specifically told that this would be the only free-shipping promotion of 2008- so if you’re the sort who has been whining about our shipping costs- you better load up!
July 16, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Introducing yet another brand-new Demotivator- Priorities!
Created in rejoinder to one of the most popular motivational posters of all time, this design is being introduced in a shockingly generous promotion that mirrors last week’s unexpectedly popular Tradition giveaway.
In case you missed it- we’re giving you the chance to own a FREE LITHOGRAPH & DESKTOPPER of this entirely new design- provided you order $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise. All you need to do is go to the link and add one or both of those goodies to your cart- and you’ll find that yet again, the first one of either (or both) is free. (Limit one of each free per order.) Incidentally, the design is now available for inclusion in your next Standard or Special-Edition version of our Summer 2008 Calendars, as well.
WHY have we authorized this insanely generously promotion? I actually have no idea.
When I asked my boss, the VP of Marketing, I was informed that the answer was “above my pay grade”- an answer I have heard from her in response to dozens of questions, including, “Why do you smell like Triple Sec- it’s only 10 in the morning?” to “Why are you throwing up in my trashcan instead of yours?” to “Is there anything that can be done to raise my pay grade?”
(I actually have heard rumors that Dr. Kersten has a running bet with an investor about whether or not Despair can break some sort of sales record this month, for whatever that’s worth…)
So there you have it. Another new Demotivator. Another surprisingly generous promotion. Another installment- however slight- in the ongoing heroic saga of an unappreciated marketing peon toiling in the bowels of the world’s leading purveyor of goods for unappreciated peons toiling in the bowels of the rest of the world’s corporations.
July 9, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Oops.
In my rush to get out yesterday’s Wailing List, I neglected to mention one important new addition to the Despair Video collection. I will do so now- apologizing first for sending you two mails within so short a window of time.
Fans of Mark Osborne’s Academy-Award nominated short-film masterpiece More will be pleased to note that we’ve increased the resolution of our online version of the film. And what’s more, we’ve actually added 3 commentary tracks for the film- right off of our Special-Edition DVD itself! (Available for sale below the movie itself, in case you missed it.)
The first track is Mark Osborne’s “Creative Commentary”, which offers rich, insightful perspectives on the storyline of the film itself.
Secondly, Mark offers a “Technical Commentary”, explaining how several specific shots in the film were accomplished- as well as how various special effects were achieved.
The final commentary track is from Dr. Kersten himself- who offers an executive’s penetrating perspective into the storyline of MORE.
These commentary tracks are just a fraction of the riches from the Special-Edition DVD. If you consider yourself a fan of great film, you owe it to yourself to pick up a copy of this two-DVD opus. Watch the hour-long documentary “Making More”, which shows how a team of only 6 people, working with an extremely primitive IMAX camera, managed to create this masterpiece. Browse through an additional hour of behind-the-scene footage - as the team documents their mishaps and frustrations in a pressure-cooker environment. Browse through over 100 photos from the shoot- with narration by Osborne. And enjoy two additional stop-motion films- contributed by crew members of More.
What more do you want? DVDTown.com said of the film itself, “The movie succeeds on every level and is a monument in American cinema” and then said of the DVD, “…this six-minute short has produce DVD material that puts the majority of Hollywood studios to shame… (It is) a must-own collection for aspiring independent filmmakers and those who enjoy the crafting of a film.” (Read the Full DVD Town Reviews - Part 1 | Part 2 )
In other words- if you don’t already own it, get it!
July 8, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You read it correctly. In honor of one of the world’s most abjectly idiotic annual rituals, Despair.com is giving away a free Tradition Desktopper AND Lithograph with any order of $19.95 or more worth of Despair, Inc. merchandise.
Imagine being able to own one of our most popular Demotivators of all time- in two beautiful formats- without having to pay for either! All you have to do is add one of each of them to your shopping cart, and then buy $19.95 or more worth of other Despair goods.
Why- you could get these two free beauties while picking up a couple of our awesome t-shirts (which are still on sale for the month of July!). If you were particularly smart, you’d sneak in a set of our apparently still free Demotivator Vinyl Adhesive packs while you were at it- and thus get THREE free promotional items at the same time. But since most of you don’t even bother to read my marketing copy, and instead simply react to the pictures above, you’ll probably miss out on that. In fact, inevitably some of you won’t even bother to put the freebies in your shopping cart- perhaps assuming we’ll do that for you after the fact… But we won’t. If you don’t add them to the cart, you will not get them. We’ve tried to make this fool-proof- please don’t outsmart us by being even dumber than we fear the worst of you are! Please!
FREE DESKTOPPER AND LITHOGRAPH PROMOTION IS VALID UNTIL JULY 15TH.
BUT DON’T TARRY, BECAUSE WE MIGHT RUN OUT OF THEM BEFORE THEN.
