Introducing The Candy Heart Generator
The signs are unmistakable.
The dismal specter of yet another agonizing Valentine’s Day lumbers fatefully closer like some pink, sappy-faced behemoth. It reeks of refrigerated flowers and dirty cash, its roar a cacophony of disposable jingles for cheap diamonds, decapitated roses, and sickening confections barely fit for human consumption. It descends ravenous upon us all, feeding on hearts- whether bitter, black, or broken- passing over only the rare few it finds in a state of true romantic love.
To them, rather the vulgar monstrosity it is, the beast appears instead as a dear friend long awaited. They are swept as lovers into the creature’s intoxicating embrace, not to be devoured, but rather only pickpocketed, then left dizzied and drunk, as the beast returns to hibernation. In a year, it will return- more diabolical than before. And as certain as its coming, it will feed first and most viciously on the very ones it passed the year before. For what romance lasts longer than a season, anyway?
(Whew…)
(I think that depressed little rant just kinda screwed up my marketing message… But I feel a little better. I don’t really have a psychiatrist or anything, just tens of thousands of passive subscribers to the Wailing List that I can subject to my digressive whining.
Actually, to be fair, talking to other Despair employees is often therapeutic, too. Not because they’re good listeners or have any interesting insights into the human condition. But most of them are so much more screwed up than I am that I can’t help but leave a dialogue feeling uplifted… I’ll stop rambling now…)
Shifting abruptly into my marketing message because I lack the grace and time for a more nimble segue…
Hey- want to make your own candy hearts? We’ve got a nifty new Do-It-Yourself tool! Check it out at iheart.despair.com! This cool little tool will let you render your own photo-realistic candy hearts with the short message of your choice! And that’s not all! Those of you buying BitterSweets candies this season can personalize your gift by buying a heart-shaped card with your very own Candy Heart Message on the front AND a message on the inside, too! The card is perfectly shaped to fit right inside the BitterSweet candy tins- so your recipient can get an additional laugh (or slap in the face as the case may be) when they open them up! You KNOW we rule!
Speaking of BitterSweets… There’s still more than enough time to order them for Valentine’s Day! Read on- to find out more about not only BitterSweets but some new shirt additions we added this month without telling you!
Incredibly, for once in our life, we actually BEAT a launch date- and by several days. Orders containing BitterSweets are NOW SHIPPING and will be arriving soon- if they haven’t already.
But where is the NEW stuff this week? Why have we only launched a couple of new products since the year started, when we were supposed to introduce a new product every Wednesday?
Actually, we have several new products- we just haven’t sent out emails to promote them all. Did you know we introduced Long-Sleeved i>u Tees? And black short-sleeved versions? OR that we have a new forest-green “Extract Myself” tee? You had no idea, right?
My fault. Totally. I figured after the non-stop assault on your inboxes for the past 9 months, you might enjoy a brief break. As so many of you are so kind to so often point out, I don’t always bring the funny. Sometimes, I’m just slapping together some little advertisement for something not particularly exciting and sending it out carelessly- knowing full-well that a lot of you will feel that little excited flitter-in-your-hearts when you see the mail come in- (”This could be a good one!” or “I really need a laugh right now!”, etc.) – and then, of course, you dive in and find it’s just a boring read for a lackluster iteration on an existing product. Technically new, but not really NEW new.
Like this e-mail, for example. What a letdown.
Don’t worry. More new stuff- of the NEW new kind- is coming very soon. For real! We’re pulling out all the stops- because dude, the way things are going, the dollars in your bank account are going the way of the Zimbabwean currency… And we gotta get those into OUR bank account before that happens… And THEN we’ve got to move them into hard assets before the fractional-reserve banking system collapses. So we are MOTIVATED.
(What are we going to do then? Danged if I know. But I did some Mandarin versions of the Product Development department last week. Should I be worried?)