The Despair Inc. Blog

“Don’t be afraid- I’m right behind you, using you as a shield.”

Want to save $4 on this new SubTexts™ shirt? Simply use the coupon code “wegotyourback” on any order which includes this shirt between now and 11:59 PM CST on July 2nd, and you’ll get the discount!

But where, you might ask, is all the marketing copy? The throwaway jokes? The rich abuses of the language? The cleverly authentic-looking typographical errors that help to perpetuate the illusion that Despair is a sloppily run mess?

I’m not writing any this week- I’m sorry- I’m just not.

Why am I always the one who has to do all the talking in this relationship? Why is it always up to me to make the jokes? Why is it my burden to find things for us to talk about every time we get together? We used to have so much to say to each other. Maybe you could take a little time out of your busy day of surfing websites and forwarding youtube clips about mentos and diet coke or wild-eyed prairie dogs to your “co-workers” in order to write ME and let me know what’s on your mind? I’m a human being, you know? And marketing is a dialogue, not a monologue. I read your replies, and occasionally, I even offer helpful feedback to YOU.

Don’t believe me? Consider this lengthy exchange I had only last Thursday with a Wailing List subscriber just like you.
Continue reading”The Wailing List – Don’t Be Afraid” »

Introducing a shirt so ironic it could even cure acute anemia*!

Yes- Despair’s new Ironic Tee achieves a kind of droll, transcendent brilliance that’s certain to appeal to cynics, chemists, disaffected college students, and ironists across the globe, even as it strikes fear into the hearts of those lesser vendors of ennui, angst, and pomo-snark clothing who litter the Internet- you know of whom I speak!

No self-respecting collector of ironic shirts can resist the chance to purchase the new standard by which all other ironic shirts wlll be compared and found wanting! Buy it NOW!

* Not a cure for acute anemia. In fact, if you’re anemic, we strongly recommend that you DON’T buy this shirt. You’re pale enough already- a light-colored shirt like this will just make you look whiter than Robert Smith at The Cure’s 1990 Full Moon Concert … Instead, why not compliment yourself by buying a shirt more flattering to your vampiric pallor? Something with just a hint of Goth sensibility? Such as…

New DespairWear #2: “Knock knock”
Knock knock. Who’s there? Oh crap.

Yes, it’s our second stunning addition to the Despair Illustrated™ collection- the cryptically-titled Knock Knock shirt. On its front, the opening couplet that has launched thousands of terrible jokes. And on its back, Aiiiiiieieeeeeeeeeeggggghhhhh!

Yes, we have a new Warning Label shirt! It’s for all the obnoxious, cacophonous folks in your life… Or, if you find yourself surrounded by people you perceive to be rather muted and soft-spoken, well… This shirt might look pretty good on YOU (provided that you’re, you know, good-looking… If you’re not, well, you’re really not helping yourself by being so LOUD. Just a hint.)

New Summer Edition Calendars Are Here!
July 2007 – June 2008.

Summer is here- and with it, an updated Build-Your-Own-Demotivators Calendar. Starting in July of 2007, and lasting until June of 2008, it would be the PERFECT Father’s Day gift, if only we’d started selling it two weeks ago, when most of you started doing your shopping. Now it’s too late- because even if you ordered it today, it wouldn’t get there on time! Man we suck! (Or, more specifically, “Man, our product development team sucks!”.)

If you’ve read this far hoping to find a new coupon code, I’m sorry to let you down. I wasn’t given any new ones. But I do have it on good authority that the last one, “obsolescence”, actually is still valid for a few days, and that for some reason, the $5 discount it offers isn’t limited to the “Obsolete” shirt we rolled out. So, if you want to pick up a Special Edition Calendar for under $20, or get a Standard Edition for under $15, do it quick!

There are times when words fail even the most brilliant of satirists (a.k.a. us). Times when an image itself can speak the most desperate of truths far more poignantly than any poetic turn of phrase. With the introduction of our beautifully rendered Despair Illustrated™ line, we transcend language itself to achieve something both sublime and devastating. Consider the first entry into the line-up, titled simply, “Obsolete”. In it, we see a family dog- defeated. He has been rendered all but irrelevant to the family that once loved him with the arrival of a far more exciting (yet utterly artificial) replacement. It is a moment both tragic and absurd- and one applicable to us all.

For who among us has not felt that very fear as we ponder the myriad ways in which we might face obsolescence? Whether of the old by the young, of the human by the machine, or even the loyal spouse by the specter of a newer, richer, better model? (Or super-model? Rowr!)

Whether driven to bitter laughter or acrid tears, we are forced to admit that there is only one truly rational response before us when confronted with this most uncomfortable of contemplations… We must buy this shirt. We must wear it. We must share it. Nothing else makes any sense whatsoever.

Nothing.

(Yes, it DOES cost a bit more our average tee… All these different colors and awesome illustrators don’t pay for themselves…) But not for YOU,the privileged subscriber of our Wailing List! In yet another shocking display of unmerited generosity, Despair is offering this beautiful new design for a $5 discount for a very limited time!

You need only use the coupon code “obsolescence” when placing your order- so do it now! (Offer valid until Wednesday, June 13th).

Fin!