The Wailing List – DespairWear is Here
Introducing the New and Improved DespairWear Collection!
After years of languishing in obscurity at a URL buried deep within the labyrinthine depth of the Despair.com website, DespairWear is now ready for its close-up. Introducing over a dozen new shirts in a wide variety of designs and styles- including golf shirts, girls tees, and our entirely new DespairWear Kids™ Collection…
But that’s not all.
Also being added to the collection is the DespairWear Guarantee… New clothing items will be added EVERY WEDNESDAY until the Apocalypse occurs*. (Otherwise we’ll lose all the credibility for the timely delivery of product that we’ve worked so hard to earn over these many years…)
*Yes, we’re serious… Offer not valid if:
1) The economy completely collapses under the weight of its sheer unsustainability… (Don’t think it can’t happen- the US Government is spending money every bit as irresponsibly as YOU are, and on a whole lot of stupid junk every bit as non-substantive as the products that are our lifeblood…)
2) Despair goes bankrupt… Which won’t happen AS LONG AS YOU KEEP BUYING OUR VALUABLE WARES! We’re a team, remember?
3) The Apocalypse starts…**.
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** Please tell me you don’t need further details on this one.. Didn’t you ever go to Church? You don’t even know what to look for? Well, if you see a prophet bringing fire down out of the skies in the full view of men who encourages you to worship a messianic figure from whom he derives power… THAT’s a good sign that we’re not going to be selling any more DespairWear. If that messianic figure tries to enforce a cashless society where no person can buy or sell stuff who doesn’t take a mark on their right hand or forehead- you better start shopping at Hot Topic for your novelty t-shirt needs. ‘Cuz for real, we’re heading to a non-disclosed and heavily fortified location at that point. Yes there are other signs but jeez, I’m just a marketing lackey trying to finish an email newsletter… Can’t you crack a Bible or something?