The Wailing List – Greetings from Sunny Vera Cruz
I’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Well, actually, nothing except for a ridiculous Wailing List assignment and a fast approaching deadline. THOSE I’ve had for over a week, but in less than a few hours, I won’t even have them anymore.
How did I get here? And more importantly, how is this relevant to you, the reader/subscriber of Despair, Inc.’s newsletter, The Wailing List? I know you’ve got problems of your own, and they’re probably quite serious, otherwise you wouldn’t even be on our mailing list.
It begins with an email I received from my vacationing boss, the VP of Online Marketing, last Monday. She was one of several employees invited to join Despair’s April Employee-of-the-Month* on an all-expense paid week long sojourn in coastal Mexico.
> Subject: greetings from sunny vera cruz
> Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:43:54 -0500
> From: “Jennifer (x)” <(removed)@despair.com>
> To: “Name Removed”
>
> sitting here with dr. k and the gang sipping Napoleon
> Punch in beautiful vera cruz – so strogn! (sic)
>
> had a flash of inspiration. cinco de mayo is coming up
> next week- how bout a wailing list promo? the holiday is
> huge here! it “celebrates the defeat of the french army
> by a small, poorly armed mexican milita at the battle of
> puebla” (so says the margarita menu- hence the name
> Napoleon PUNCH! har-har!)
>
> kersten says if there was a holiday for every time the
> French army was defeated, nobody’d get any work done.
> is there a Wailing List angle there?
>
> how bout a $5 off coupon code? good for cinco de mayo
> only?
>
> gotta go – they just brought another pitcher of the
> good stuff.
>
> your boss,
> j.
Nice, huh? Don’t you just love the sign-off? (That’s her standard sig-file for departmental emails, btw.)
Incredibly, it gets worse.
> Subject: flash 2, voidfill!
> Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 16:19:06 -0500
> From: “Jennifer (x)” <(removed)@despair.com>
> To: “Name Removed”
>
> still hear -whoo boy theyre gonna have 2 wheel us
> outta here!!!
>
> hey on thewaling list promo what about we use
> tortillachips as voidfill for ordrs placed on May 5?!
> thatd be so totally outrageous!
>
> call el milagro tortilleria (sp?) on east 6th
> about volume discouts…
>
> your boss,
> j.
>
> p.s- hey checkout this view. luv this phonecam!
> feelfre to use in promo!
Are you starting to see how I might end up feeling at least a little bit creatively blocked by this assignment?
I tried to call her for a couple of days, but her voicemail just tells people to email or I.M. her. But she hasn’t responded to a half-dozen emails, leading me to believe she dropped her Sony camera/cell phone into the Gulf of Mexico, the margarita pitcher, or some other vast body of liquid.
So I’m just gonna punt. I’d prefer not to waste your time or any more of my own. (If it’s any comfort, I at least have approval to include a coupon code at the end of this uninspired mess.)
Use coupon code “cincodemayo” (no quotes) when placing any order of $15 or more and you’ll receive $5 off. CODE IS VALID ON THURSDAY MAY 5TH ONLY.
Not a bad deal, really. Just a bad ad for it.
Sorry. Really.
–
* Do you even need to ask? It was Dr. Kersten, celebrated for his book release last month.
–
Despair Inc.
1305 E. 6th Street
Austin, TX 78702