The Despair Inc. Blog

I’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Well, actually, nothing except for a ridiculous Wailing List assignment and a fast approaching deadline. THOSE I’ve had for over a week, but in less than a few hours, I won’t even have them anymore.

How did I get here? And more importantly, how is this relevant to you, the reader/subscriber of Despair, Inc.’s newsletter, The Wailing List? I know you’ve got problems of your own, and they’re probably quite serious, otherwise you wouldn’t even be on our mailing list.

It begins with an email I received from my vacationing boss, the VP of Online Marketing, last Monday. She was one of several employees invited to join Despair’s April Employee-of-the-Month* on an all-expense paid week long sojourn in coastal Mexico.

> Subject: greetings from sunny vera cruz
> Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:43:54 -0500
> From: “Jennifer (x)” <(removed)@despair.com>
> To: “Name Removed”
>
> sitting here with dr. k and the gang sipping Napoleon
> Punch in beautiful vera cruz – so strogn! (sic)
>
> had a flash of inspiration. cinco de mayo is coming up
> next week- how bout a wailing list promo? the holiday is
> huge here! it “celebrates the defeat of the french army
> by a small, poorly armed mexican milita at the battle of
> puebla” (so says the margarita menu- hence the name
> Napoleon PUNCH! har-har!)
>
> kersten says if there was a holiday for every time the
> French army was defeated, nobody’d get any work done.
> is there a Wailing List angle there?
>
> how bout a $5 off coupon code? good for cinco de mayo
> only?
>
> gotta go – they just brought another pitcher of the
> good stuff.
>
> your boss,
> j.

Nice, huh? Don’t you just love the sign-off? (That’s her standard sig-file for departmental emails, btw.)

Incredibly, it gets worse.

> Subject: flash 2, voidfill!
> Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 16:19:06 -0500
> From: “Jennifer (x)” <(removed)@despair.com>
> To: “Name Removed”
>
> still hear -whoo boy theyre gonna have 2 wheel us
> outta here!!!
>
> hey on thewaling list promo what about we use
> tortillachips as voidfill for ordrs placed on May 5?!
> thatd be so totally outrageous!
>
> call el milagro tortilleria (sp?) on east 6th
> about volume discouts…
>
> your boss,
> j.
>
> p.s- hey checkout this view. luv this phonecam!
> feelfre to use in promo!

Are you starting to see how I might end up feeling at least a little bit creatively blocked by this assignment?

I tried to call her for a couple of days, but her voicemail just tells people to email or I.M. her. But she hasn’t responded to a half-dozen emails, leading me to believe she dropped her Sony camera/cell phone into the Gulf of Mexico, the margarita pitcher, or some other vast body of liquid.

So I’m just gonna punt. I’d prefer not to waste your time or any more of my own. (If it’s any comfort, I at least have approval to include a coupon code at the end of this uninspired mess.)

Use coupon code “cincodemayo” (no quotes) when placing any order of $15 or more and you’ll receive $5 off. CODE IS VALID ON THURSDAY MAY 5TH ONLY.

Not a bad deal, really. Just a bad ad for it.

Sorry. Really.

–

* Do you even need to ask? It was Dr. Kersten, celebrated for his book release last month.

–

Despair Inc.
1305 E. 6th Street
Austin, TX 78702

http://www.despair.com

—

The critics have spoken. And are mostly right.

Former Spy Magazine editor Jamie Malanowski, writing in the May 2005 issue of FastCompany Magazine, says of The Art of Demotivation:

“…Kersten has formulated a philosophy for workers and companies that’s incendiary to anyone who (still) believes that work is personal and that companies can bring happiness to their workers’ lives. Kersten’s manifesto is variously hilarious, outrageous, insightful, insulting, perceptive, and from time to time, windy…”

—

Yet incredibly, in the face of a great deal of evidence, many people continue to question whether or not the book actually exists, or whether perhaps it is instead just an elaborate April Fool’s joke!

http://www.okpatents.com/phosita/archives/2005/04/lexthink_krypto.html

—

Sadly, even some of our Wailing List subscribers apparently assumed the same, missing out on the chance to own this critically-acclaimed management treatise at our exclusive 20% off discount. Nice going!

(But read on, there’s hope for you yet.)

—

Still, others of you wrote in irritation, noting the curious absence of any readable excerpts from the book on the launch day.

One Wailing List subscriber put it this way:

“What, r u ashamed 2 share it with the world?! u just want my moneny (sic)? steve wolframs WHOLE BOOK is online- get with the times, dispair!(sic)”

Okay- first thing. Unless you sent that message from a T-Mobile Sidekick and were writing it while driving a getaway car that was being shot at by law enforcement, the only thing we are ashamed of is having a person like you on our email list. Yes, I’m talking to you specifically, “L8rDaze@(removed).com”. Opt-out, man. We don’t want you on the list.

Second thing, there’s no way you’ve read Stephen Wolfram’s book. No way!

Nevertheless, for those who wrote intelligible requests for browsable excerpts from the book, reasonably seeking to “try before you buy”, your requests have been obliged. Now you can read chapter opens and further excerpts from all ten chapters of the book!

http://www.demotivation.com/excerpts/

—

In consideration of those both confused by the timing of the launch and those who sought excerpts before purchasing it, we are reactivating the coupon code for the rest of the month.

Those wishing to purchase any of the three editions of The Art of Demotivation and receive a 20% need only use the coupon code “radicaldemotivation” when placing an order.

(Offer expires at the end of the month. For real, this time.)

—

Some of you may be, at this point, a little disappointed by the quality of the copy writing on this particular email. Admittedly, it’s not the most brilliant Wailing List ever written. But jeez, did you read some of the marketing copy on Demotivation.com?

This?

The Manager Edition – http://demotivation.com/manager.html

Or this?

The Executive Edition – http://demotivation.com/executive.html

And especially THIS:

The Chairman Edition – http://demotivation.com/chairman.html

If you didn’t, you should. Because it rules!

—

The Wailing List
Despair Inc.
1305 E. 6th Street
Austin, TX 78702

At noon CST on April 1st, Despair, Inc.
will unveil the most anticipated Management Book of the Millennium.

And the most dangerous.

Wailing List subscribers: use coupon code “radicaldemotivation” to receive a 20% discount on any or all versions of this landmark text.

(Code valid for one week only. Please note specific availability data for each book before ordering / pre-ordering, as shipping dates vary.)

Despair Inc.
1305 E. 6th Street
Austin, TX 78702