The Wailing List – Volume 1
……………………………………………………………
Despair Inc. presents
THE WAILING LIST ™ Volume 1, Issue 1
“:-(”
……………………………………………………………
IN THIS ISSUE
………….
1. CORPORATE SPIN
Despair, Inc. Secures Official Trademark Registration for “:-(“, Announces Plans to Sue Millions for Trademark Infringement.
2. RECENTLY OVERHEARD
A selection of our favorite feedback.
3. ARTICLE
“Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds”
Dr. E.L. Kersten reveals how a 150 year-old classic helped inspire the Demotivators 2001 calendar.
4) WAILING LIST EXCLUSIVE
Customers Find Typographical Error in 2001 Calendar.
Kersten celebrates “inspired” error by issuing recipients of the Wailing List a 15% discount coupon.
……………………………………………………………
CORPORATE SPIN
…………..
DESPAIR, INC. SECURES OFFICIAL TRADEMARK REGISTRATION FOR “:-(“, ANNOUNCES PLANS TO SUE MILLIONS FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Media Relations
Email: media@despair.com
Web: www.despair.com
Fax: 214.826.1952
DALLAS, TX – January 2nd, 2001 – In a move that has millions across the Internet community frowning, Despair, Inc. today announced that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) had awarded them a registered trademark for the ‘frowny’ emoticon which serves as their logo.
At a press conference, Despair’s COO, Dr. E.L. Kersten, announced his intentions to sue “anyone and everyone who uses the so-called ‘frowny’ emoticon, or our trademarked logo, in their written email correspondence. Ever.”
full article begins here:
http://www.despair.com/frownonthis.html
……………………………………………………………
RECENTLY OVERHEARD
………………
From: “Rob” <(email removed)>
To: feedback@despair.com
Subject: WHAT?
Date: Sun, 7 Jan 2001 11:39:17 -0500
From your web site…
“At a press conference, Despair’s COO, Dr. E.L. Kersten, announced his intentions to sue “anyone and everyone who uses the so-called ‘frowny’ emoticon, or our trademarked logo, in their written email correspondence. Ever.”
You guys are unbelievable. To much work to make money the old fashioned way? Try working for your money instead of stooping to such lows as this. Suing 7,000,000 people for using something you took from the public? This emoticon was being used long before you decided to grab it and become the money hungry folks that you are now. I hope you realize that this will only hurt your company. I, for one, would never dream of using your services even if it were my last hope on earth. Be ashamed, better yet, drop it all and save what little face you have.
From: “Dr. E.L. Kersten”
To: “Rob” <(removed)>
Subject: Re: WHAT?
Date: Sun, 7 Jan 2001 14:39:17 -0500
Regards,
E.L.
……..
From: “Miller”
To: feedback@despair.com
Subject: Frown trademark.
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001 10:18:43 -0800
Is this really true? What right do you have? I use it every day! Just try and stop me. You going to trademark the word “the”? You take anyone to court about this and you will be sure to see me there. You want a riot? You got one.
From: “Dr. E.L. Kersten”
To: “Miller”
Subject: Re: Frown trademark.
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001 12:34:27 -0500
Mister, you picked the wrong man to start an emoticon riot with.
I’ll meet you and whatever emoticons are in your posse at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, Washington, DC this Saturday night. Midnight.
And rest assured, when the rumble’s over, I’ll be the last man frowning.
Let’s GET IT ON!
Edward “The Doctor of Despair” Kersten.
……..
From: “Charles S.” <(email removed)>
To: media@despair.com
Subject: little people
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 13:33:30 -0000
I read your Wall Street Journal article about you having a record profit day and then laying off 243 so called “little people”, which just happen to be the people that you depended on last month to produce your product.
Well, with 243 less people, I suppose you won’t need as much business anyway. I will certainly insure that our people do not purchase any of your products. We totally disagree on how to handle your so called “little people”. People are your greatest asset. Without them, you can do nothing.
J. Paul Getty, America’s first millionaires (sic), once said, “I would rather have 1% of the efforts of 100 people than to have 100% of my own.”
Good luck in business, with your attitude about your people.
Charles
From: “Dr. E.L. Kersten”
To: “Charles S.” <(removed)>
Subject: Re: little people
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 09:13:20 -0500
Mr. S.:
As a matter of note, the article you are referring to did not occur last month but over two years ago.
http://www.despair.com/demotivators/walstreetjou.html
The employees in question did not leave empty-handed, as they certainly were offered my heartfelt sympathies.
Perhaps we can respectfully disagree on the proper response for an executive facing the specter of exploding profits. Some respond with the distribution of the profits to shareholders. Some consider sharing those profits with employees who were in part responsible for the company’s success. And some, like myself, choose to fight fire with fire. Laying off 243 of the littlest people in response to that recording-breaking profit turned an already explosive situation into one of thermonuclear proportions. I couldn’t get the smell of profits out of my suit for weeks!
You clearly consider their sacrifice to have been in vain, but I’ve garage full of exotic automobiles purchased in the aftermath of that tragedy that would beg to differ with you.
As for your Getty quote. I have been unsuccessful in my efforts to find any historical reference to this quote from Mr. Getty outside of a myriad of webpages dedicated to multi-level marketing schemes, in which the quote is used to suggest that Mr. Getty was a fan of residual income schemes. That seems rather questionable. (It makes me wonder if in antiquity I can also expect to have quotes misappropriated to me by those seeking to sell whatever derivatives of HerbalLife are the rage a century hence?)
Nevertheless, I must concede that J. Paul Getty is certainly an inspirational figure for the titans of industry such as myself. While he was certainly not America’s first millionaire (or billionaire, for that matter), he was certainly America’s first billionaire to install a pay-phone for guests staying in his mansion. Genius!
For your money, my favorite quote by Mr. Getty was his brilliant observation on the rewards of a disciplined work ethic. Getty observed poignantly, “If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead if you strike oil.”
Regards,
E.L.
……..
http://www.tanknet.org/ubb/Forum8/HTML/001196.html
posted 01-04-2001 22:14
author: nyati
re: Subject: WARNING! TRADEMARK VIOLATIONS!
I wonder how long (despair.com’s) server will survive? Not long is my guess, those shmucks will probably be hacked so badly and so often they’ll never get a site running stable again. Nothing ticks off the phreaks like this kind of ‘freedom infringement’. I wish I could sue the US patent office for being stupid.
Hopefully this is a stupid publicity stunt some little dumb*** company is running. (ie no real patent)
……………………………………………………………
ARTICLE
…….
“Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds”
Dr. E.L. Kersten reveals how a 150 year-old classic helped inspire the Demotivators 2001 calendar.
WARNING:
The following considerably lengthy article is **not** recommended for those suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder or from massive losses on investments in the Dotcom sector.
…….
“In reading the history of nations, we find that, like individuals, they have their whims and their peculiarities; their seasons of excitement and recklessness, when they care not what they do. We find that whole communities suddenly fix their minds upon one object, and go mad in its pursuit; that millions of people become simultaneously impressed with one delusion, and run after it, till their attention is caught by some new folly more captivating than the first…
Charles MacKay’s “Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds”, 1841.
-
“Enterprise, like Icarus, had soared too high, and melted the wax of her wings; like Icarus she had fallen into a sea, and learned, while floundering in its waves, that her proper element was the solid ground.”
Charles Mackay, “Memoirs of Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds”, 1852.
When facing the considerable challenge of an organizing concept for our Demotivators 2001 calendar, I found singular inspiration in the prophetic words of Charles MacKay’s much-recommended treatise of mass manias.
MacKay’s “Extraordinary Popular Delusions” is a bemused encyclopedia of demented schemes that captivated the attentions (and often emptied the pockets) of considerable populations across several periods and nations.
Most familiar, perhaps, is the curious phenomenon of “Tulipmania” that consumed the Dutch in the mid-1600s.
The seeds of Tulipmania were sown when a strange plant virus produced a small number of tulip bulbs of exotic colorations. Ownership of one of these rare and beautiful specimens quickly became a status symbol sans pareil. Yet with supply itself limited by the unreproducible circumstances of the virus, the roots of speculation had begun to take hold. Prices of rare bulbs skyrocketed and soon lifted the prices of common bulbs. In 1636, the Stock Exchange of Amsterdam established regular marts for their sale, and speculation accelerated.
In February of 1637, the frenzy blossomed as prices increased 20-fold. A single bulb of the rare “Semper Augustus” variety would trade for the equivalent of $60,000. Yet by May of that year, the scheme had collapsed under the weight of its own preposterousness and the market wilted over 95%.
While each financial frenzy documented in “Extraordinary Popular Delusions” is unique, they all enjoy common parallels. In each we see the willingness of a considerable population of seemingly rational individuals to betray their fidelity to reason when glimpsing the potential profitability of madness. Early beneficiaries of the madness fan the flames by telling others that they, too, can become rich beyond reason by joining in. A new mantra enters into the collective consciousness, “Hard work often pays off after time, but craziness pays off now.”
Frenzies from the Tulip craze to Beanie Babies to Dotcom daytrading were fueled by a “greater fool” theory of speculation. In short, although it is foolish to pay an enormous sum for an already overpriced product, a “greater fool” can be relied upon to pay more for it quickly.
This insanity can continue unabated for months, even years, until ultimately the astronomically overpriced good finally makes its way into the hands of the one most appropriately known as “The Greatest Fool”. He has now paid 5,500 florins for a tulip bulb- or $4,200 for a fuzzy bag of beans in the shape of an elephant- or perhaps $14,000 for 1000 shares in Pets.com stock. He turns to find that he can not find a single buyer willing to pay more for it. Its value plummets. His only option to sell at enormous loss or keep it.
And as he comes to grips with the harsh reality of his enormous loss, his entire face vanishes and is replaced with a gigantic lollipop labeled “Sucker”. He hears a trumpet from somewhere off-camera offer a comic denouement of his situation.
Our Demotivators(R) 2001 Calendar provides a comprehensive overview of the madness of our recent times. In its very arrangement, it mirrors the phases of the dotcom dream, beginning with themes of “Delusions”, “Pretension” and “Cluelessness” and ending with “Insanity” and “Bitterness”. In its particular historical citations, it documents some of the most egregious excesses of our day and finds surreal parallels in not so recent history.
Our calendar asks you to consider the strange parallel between the sale of a Beanie Baby and that of an online-greeting card
company:
May 2nd, 1999
A fuzzy bag of beans called “Peanut, the Royal Blue Elephant” sells for $4,200 at an online auction.
October 25th, 1999
A zero-revenue online greeting card company called “Blue Mountain” sells for $780 million to Excite.
It begs you to reflect on the astonishing hubris of a few of the dotcom dream’s most outrageous exponents.
April 7th, 1999
Value America goes public. Founder Craig Winn, briefly a paper billionaire, begins openly discussing a run for President in 2008.
May 17th, 2000
DEN implodes. The cruel layoffs spare no one, not even the personal assistant hired to watch the founder’s Ferrari.
May 18th, 2000 – Boo.com gives up the ghost. After losing $135 million, the Founder blames their failure on being “too visionary”.
And it finds history repeating itself in strange and compelling ways:
June 10th, 1848
The “California Star” newspaper states that entire towns are being “drained of human beings” as people rush to the gold fields.
June 13th, 1848
“California Star” publishes last newspaper, as the entire staff flees to the gold fields the following day.
June 14th, 2000
Stanford Physics professor Sebastian Doniach publishes a lament that the “dotcom goldrush” is draining the top talent away from careers in academia.
September 27th, 1999
Time Magazine heralds the dotcom goldrush, “If you’ve got a hot Internet business idea, Silicon Valley’s astonishing start-up machine will do the rest”.
With every citation, further insight is gained into excesses of which rational people and organizations are capable of in times of mass delusion. Yet in only browsing these few excerpts, you are deprived of the transcendent holistic experience available only to those who own the 2001 calendar.
Is it really possible that this masterful work of tragicomic vision, this landmark publication on recent (and not so recent) manias and delusions could be still purchased for only $14.95 and by the likes of one such as you?
This brings me to perhaps the most important part of this article. What I’ve written before now is of little consequence- in fact, I’d encourage you to take it with a grain of salt. But what I am about to write is of absolute criticality, such that my fingers tremble as I type.
It is certainly clear to those of you who already own our Year 2001 calendar that it is calendar of the highest production quality and a work of peerless insight. But what may not be clear to you, at least not YET, is the enormous potential financial value of the calendar in your possession.
Even as you read this, word of the unparalleled brilliance of our 2001 calendar is quickly spreading across the Internet- in the form of wildly enthusiastic emails from new owners of the product, in the shape of newspaper articles celebrating the matchless genius of this work and yes, even in the begrudging acknowledgements of its wonder by those ultimate arbiters of cool themselves- “disaffected college students”.
Yet as quickly as demand escalates for this one-of-a-kind product, supply is decreasing– Despair has steadfastly refused to produce a 2nd-edition printing of this calendar. In so doing, Despair just may have created the investment opportunity of this (or any) lifetime for those in possession of one of these rarities.
At such a time as we have emptied our inventories of this seminal work of unrivaled brilliance, those in possession of one or more Despair 2001 calendars may be able to name their own price for it. Imagine- your investment of $14.95 might within weeks be able to command a return of 10, 20 or 100 fold!
With only a small number of these exquisite calendars remaining, you’d be a fool to pass up what one respected author very recently called “the investment opportunity of this (or any) lifetime”!
The 2001 calendar has already made me rich beyond my wildest expectations! Isn’t it time it made YOU rich, too?
http://www.despair.com/year20cal.html
It’s time. To get rich quick.
E.L.
E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.
COO & Founder,
Despair, Inc.
……………………………………………………………
WAILING LIST EXCLUSIVE
………………….
CUSTOMERS SURPRISED TO FIND TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR IN 2001 CALENDAR
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Media Relations
Email: media@despair.com
Web: www.despair.com
Fax: 214.826.1952
DALLAS, TX – January 01, 2001 – Tensions were high and tempers flaring yesterday in the Dallas headquarters of Despair, Inc. as email and phone complaints began pouring into the “Customer Disservice” department about a typographical error in the company’s new 2001 Calendar.
The specific error occurs in the date cell of January 1st, 2001. It reads, “Math purists celebrate true start of 2nd millennium by starting arguments with anyone willing to have one.”
Math purists amongst Despair’s customer base were quick to point out that, in fact, January 1st of 2001 marks the beginning of the 3rd millennium, not the 2nd.
“Either it’s January 1st, 1001, or your calendar has a typo. Please confirm which is correct, the suspense is killing me,” wrote one annoyed customer.
“I’m surprised to see that the first entry in your 2001 calendar includes a typographical error. If the most basic of dates in this calendar are incorrect, what does that suggest about the veracity of your content that is far more difficult to verify? Can we really trust anything you say? What’s next? No Boohoo.com in the works???”, wrote another.
Disservice employees fielding the angry calls and emails were forced to acknowledge the existence of the error to customers.
For her part, Customer Disservice department manager Carla Pitt did little to diffuse customer tensions, telling one angry caller, “What’d you expect? Did you see last year’s calendar? We had a B-52 crashing into the Empire State Building instead of a B-25. We even misspelled Michigan!”
Pitt later expressed exasperation with the company’s marginal efforts at quality control in furious email sent to the entire product development department.
“I’m sick of Disservice taking bullets for screw-ups in Product Development. It’s ridiculous. Just how many times does Burke have to screw up before he gets fired, anyway?”, wrote Pitt.
Dane Burke, the company’s sole proofreader, is a high-school dropout who suffers from acute dyslexia.
Burke wrote in reply, “In my defence, the error this year was in the facts. I’m not a factchecker. I’m a proofreader. Was anything in the calendar mispelt? I think not, Carla.”
While lower-level employees of Despair, Inc. engaged in a standard war of inter-departmental bickering and blame-shifting founder and COO Dr. E.L. Kersten expressed delight upon being informed of the existence of an error.
“I am absolutely flabbergasted that there is a typographical error in our 2001 calendar. Do you realize what this means? As stamp collectors have long known, typographical errors have the potential to increase the collectability of a limited-run printed product by astronomical sums. I just hope word of this error doesn’t get out before I can purchase some calendars myself.”
Kersten then burst into a proud smile, adding, “What Dane has done in his ignorance is truly inspired, and the only proper way to recognize this idiot savant is by creating a coupon code in his honor. For the month of January, I solemnly declare that anyone using the coupon code “daneyouidiot” when purchasing items on our website will receive a 15% discount on whatever they want to buy.”
Kersten then requested that no communications of this coupon code be made public until after he had a chance to purchase hundreds of the “the now invaluable” calendars.
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST
………………………..
Go to http://www.despair.com/subscribe.html.
But we’d advise against it.