Do You Boo-Hoo? Despair announces Strategic Partnership with Yahoo!
SANTA CLARA, CA – August 13, 1999 – Yahoo! Inc. (Nasdaq: YHOO), the world’s most popular internet portal, and Despair, Inc., the world’s worst Internet company, today announced a joint-venture agreement to launch a specialized portal and brand for the miserable.
The specialty portal, called BooHoo!, would offer a branded network of comprehensive information, communication and shopping services to congenitally unhappy Internet users.
The deal follows quickly on the heels of several other partnerships between the two companies, including Despair’s prominent inclusion in Yahoo’s new “Yahoo! Greetings” initiative.
Spokesmen for both Yahoo and Despair told reporters that BooHoo! would leverage the strengths of both of companies, by combining the unparalleled brand recognition and broad reach of Yahoo! with the relentlessly miserable vision of Despair, Inc.
Dr. E.L. Kersten, 39, Founder and COO of Despair, Inc., said at a press conference, “Every single day, millions of chronically unhappy people log onto the Internet but are without a place that they feel welcome. With the unveiling of BooHoo!, we will provide these miserable wretches a single point of entry into Al Gore’s ever-growing information network.”
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while a nameless ex- Yahoo! employee fights back tears. |
Tim Koogle, 45, Chairman and CEO of Yahoo! echoed Kersten’s sentiments.
“Not everyone enjoys the fun-loving, quirky Yahoo! experience, and that’s understandable. We believe that the BooHoo! initiative is going to radically change the way those joyless chumps use the Internet. By combining Despair’s bleak perspective with our talent for cataloging Internet content, BooHoo! will quickly become the portal of choice for the sullen, the mopy and the otherwise depressing. And we’re excited about that.”
BOOHOOLIGANS!
THE WEB GUIDE FOR BRATS!
The introduction of the BooHoo! portal was only the first of several initiatives announced at the conference. In addition, Kersten and Koogle also debuted Boohooligans! (pictured below), a portal targetting obnoxious, bratty children.
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The Web Guide for Brats! (click here to enlarge) |
Noted Dr. Kersten, “Jerry Yang’s vision in 1996 for a children’s portal has now secured Yahoo! the largest share of child users in the market. Recent Media Matrix polls show Yahooligans! with a 23.2% of child users from age two to eleven, with no other portal coming close to that. With Boohooligans!, we will expand that position in the marketplace by serving the specific portal needs of unhappy brats.”
Kersten elaborated, “Any parent with bratty kids knows bratdom begins in ‘the terrible twos’. And psychologists tell us that most truly obnoxious brats will blossom into maladjusted, unhappy adults. With Boohooligans!, we’re creating a portal that facilititates that transition smoothly.”
Kersten said he believes Boohooligans! will not only appeal to the topical interest of brats, by focusing on the issues they regularly gripe about, but also will appeal aesthetically to them by incorporating the incredibly popular ‘green goo’ motif of Yahooligans!
“There is something about green goo that drives kids nuts, especially brats. They want to own it. Possess it. And put it in people’s hair…”, said Kersten, with uncharacteristic enthusiasm.
He then surprised the crowd by revealing that Despair, Inc. even planned to sell its own special brand of green goo through Boohooligans!, called, “Psycho Alien Snot(tm)”.
Beaming, Kersten told reporters, “This goo, available exclusively through the Boohooligans! portal, is authentic psycho alien snot, imported from the Cydonian region of Mars- not the fake stuff made in Taiwan. Brats will eat it up. Literally.”
The conference grew briefly chaotic, as several reporters voiced their disdain for the “Psycho Alien Snot” product marketing concept.
Tim Koogle, apparently himself surprised by the announcement, glowered uncomfortably.
The unflappable Kersten, no stranger to hostile crowds, replied coolly, “Maybe you’re not ready for that yet. But your brats are going to love it…”
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is authentic psycho alien snot…” An uncomfortable Tim Koogle looks on while Kersten details plans to sell Despair-branded goo through Boohooligans. |