The Despair Inc. Blog

SANTA CLARA, CA – June 29, 1999 – The personal computer market was up in arms over the debut at last week’s PC Expo of the E-Power PC, from manufacturer Future Power.

Think Same: The iMac becomes FuturePower’s New E-Power PC.
The egg-shaped E-Power computer, which bears a conspicuous resemblance to Apple’s bestselling iMac computer system, had Apple loyalists in attendance calling for blood, and Apple lawyers sharpening their sabres.Evidently surprised by the immediacy and fury of the backlash, Future Power tradebooth jockeys at the Expo found themselves in a mad scramble to put out fires. They were at first quick to point out “the vast differences” between the two systems, noting that while the iMac came in five “delightful flavors”, the E-Power came in only one flavor, “plastic”, and five “gemstone colors”. They then pointed out that the iMac only contained two syllables, while the E-Power had three syllables, or in their words enjoyed “50% greater syllabage than the iMac”.The outraged Apple loyalists at PC Expo were further incensed at the Clintonian wordmincing. The situation quickly deteriorated, and within an hour descended into the time-honored vitriol that characterizes daylong conversations between Apple users and members of the ruling Wintel collective.

FUTURE POWER GIVES KEYNOTE SPEECH

But while Apple users at the Expo became hopelessly ensnared in the great PC debate, Future Power’s very own interim CEO was giving the keynote speech to a large gathering of PC users in the Javitz Center’s spacious Orwell Pavillion. “No matter how honestly we may praise someone for their ideas, we are reminded again and again that imitation remains the sincerest form of flattery”, said Future Power’s interim CEO, Noah Wyle.After pausing for a sip of water, he continued, “Twenty some odd years ago Steve Jobs stole a truly original idea from Engelbart and company at Xerox PARC. Today, Karma has come to collect the debt, with interest. I’m pleased to announce that Future Power has stolen a passably original idea from Steve Jobs, and made it our own.”Expressing their approval, the PC users in attendance began to hum in a low, steady tone.Wyle bowed graciously, then flattened his hands together and brought them up to his lips. After a breath, he asked, “So how do you like them apples, huh?”The humming continued and strengthened in volume, a clear indicator that the attending crowd was in firm agreement that the cycle of karma had not only been satisfied, but that Wyle had punctuated his statement with an ironic observation.

“Thanks, thanks. You know what, though? We didn’t do it by ourselves. We could not have done this without the help of a very special friend of ours, the company that taught me and Future Power just how easy it is to ‘Think same’. I’d like you all to meet our good friend, Dr. E.L. Kersten. He has something he’d like to share with you.”

Wyle then turned to face the giant screen behind him. With the lights fading in the auditorium, the screen was suddenly filled with the emotionless face of Dr. E.L. Kersten, founder and COO of Despair, Inc.

THE PROPHET: Despair, Inc.’s Dr. E.L. Kersten explains the necessity and inevitability of conformity
to the soulless Wintel masses. Staring silently at them for almost a minute, the prerecorded Kersten finally began with a simple phrase:”When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. – This glorious truth defines the essence of conformity, which is the very nature of almost the whole of humankind.”Statistical evidence and plain common sense tell us that almost all of us are simply incapable of original ideas or actions. And yet paradoxically, our culture has so stigmatized conformity that we’ve produced millions who boldly conform to the most clichéd mold of all, the non-conformist.”Kersten affected an exaggerated shrug:”Why, in this enlightened age, do so many continue this perpetual cycle of hypocrisy? Why do so many believe that they can, through the sheer force of their will, ‘Think different’? And why do these same people, you know of whom I speak, so viciously denigrate imitators?”The humming continued its slow, steady increase in volume as more of the collective concurred.In a spontaneous expression of their growing approval, the gathering began to tap their feet in a steady rhythm.”It is true, my friends, that innovators live among us. That mankind has seen enormous advancement in the sciences and the arts tells us they must exist. These people do not derive their identity from how they are perceived, but rather, from their unwavering conviction that a better way of doing things must be found.”But truth be told, though history may lionize them, the present almost always rewards the swiftest imitators. Progress, then, is achieved in the symbiosis that exists between the innovators and the imitators.” The humming reached a fevered pitch, and the steady pounding of feet punctuated it with perfect synchronicity. “I am proud, then, to celebrate Future Power’s E-Power PC, for it is progressive. I am here to affirm their decision to outsource originality to their betters. I am here to commend my good friend Noah Wyle and his minions for having the courage to “Think Same”.”And finally, I am here to reveal that Despair, Inc. has joined the fight, for we will no longer stand idly by and allow conforming masses like yourselves to be shamed for your lack of identity. I am here to announce the availability of an entirely new product, one which we will motivate YOU, conforming masses, in your perpetual quest for homogeneity!”The entire auditorium had begun to rattle slowly, as the almost defeaning hum and steady pounding of feet introduced mechanical resonance that oscillated the framework.

FuturePower’s interim CEO Noah Wyle displays CONFORMITY. The design is from Despair’s upcoming 2000 collection
KERSTEN REVEALS “THE ART OF CONFORMITY”The video ended, and the real Kersten emerged from behind a red-velvet curtain, joining Wyle on stage. The thunderous drone of humming and stomping was now at a fevered pitch, with bolts from the rafters above beginning to rattle and loosen. Still sporting bruises from a recent tangle with Marimba CEO Kim Polese, Kersten nodded thankfully towards them.Wyle raised an arm and said in a clear voice, “Cease!”In only a moment, silence filled the room. The sound of air-conditioning units was suddenly audible.

Outside of the auditorium, the faraway sound of someone yelling “Nobody disses the Woz!” followed by muffled yelps could be heard.Kersten then produced a simple notecard from his jacket and handed it to Wyle. Showing a beautiful scenic of identical zebras, it read: CONFORMITY: When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.”"Soulless Wintel humanoids, the message of Future Power and Despair, Inc. is a happy one. The era of being ashamed to conform is past. You are free to do as you please. Now, go therefore and imitate others with pride.”Wyle then closed the assembly with a recitation of the Borg’s prayer, originally revealed in its entirety in the prophetic Apple commercial, titled “1984″:

“Today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology. Where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth. We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death. And we will bury them with their own confusion. We shall prevail.”

Wyle’s prayer ended, and the gathering dispersed in efficient uniformity. Those in attendence returned to their positions in society proper. And, as was their way, no one spoke of the events they had just participated in.

SUPPLEMENTAL RESOURCES

Click Icon/Link to Load Image. Once Image has loaded, Right Click the Image and then click “Save To Disk”. (The Rest of Us)
Click Icon/Link to Load Image. Once Image has loaded, Click the Image, holding the mouse button down, then, from the selection options, choose “Save Image To Disk”.

GIF Animation

Amethyst Emerald Ruby Sapphire (shown) Topaz