Wall Street Journal Write-up Leads to Record Profits, Massive Layoffs
WALL STREET JOURNAL WRITE-UP LEADS TO RECORD PROFITS, MASSIVE LAYOFFS
DALLAS, TX – November 12, 1998 – A feature article in the WSJ November 12th edition of “Marketplace” led to a record-breaking day in Despair, Inc. history. Sales for the day easily eclipsed the prior record setting sales event of being declared a “Cool Site of the Week” by Yahoo!
In celebration of a record sales day, Despair, Inc. founder and COO Dr. E.L. Kersten announced plans to layoff 243 of “the littlest people” at Despair, Inc.
“With the enormous glut of high margin revenues flooding into our coffers, this really seems like the perfect time to put these tiny people out on the street.”
Each of the 243 little people received a framed “FAILURE” DeskTopper(tm) and the customary box of “Kersten’s Heartfelt Sympathies(tm)”, a bitter d-grade carob-derivative in the shape of a tear (pictured, right). The cost of both were deducted from their severance pay of one day’s wages, leaving them in debt to the company.
Kersten calls the gesture, “That little touch that hurts so much.”
The move came as little surprise to those familiar with Kersten’s management technique, referred to as classic “Draconian Husseiney”.
It also prompted a congratulatory call from one-time GM mogul Roger Smith. Smith later called the layoffs, “a brave but necessary response to combat exploding profits”.
The awesome responsibility of mass termination fell on the shoulders of Kersten’s ten-year personal secretary and longtime confidante, “Hey You”. He directed “Hey You” to select those little people who “had consistently demonstrated bouyant spirits in the face of difficult times at Despair, Inc.”
Of that decision, Kersten stated, “The fight against hope starts at home. How can we claim to combat hope in the world abroad when it might exist within our own ranks? I believe this random, terrifyingly cruel act will lower morale companywide and kill hope dead here.”
Kersten later made a public statement at a hastily assembled press conference:
“I’ve learned that with enormous profitability comes even more enormous responsibility. With the random termination of so many little people, I believe I can I can set an example for the biggest companies in the world. If they can learn from this gesture, and be willing to fire vast populations without warning and with perfunctory attempts at sympathy, Despair, Inc. will continue to grow at fantastic rates.”
Cynical observers of the move speculated that Kersten’s effort was a publicity stunt intended to increase the sales of “Kersten’s Heartfelt Sympathies(tm)” to multinational corporations seeking the perfect bitter indignity for their own layoff initiatives.
In reply, Kersten said only, “Never doubt the cynics.”