The Despair Inc. Blog

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, FAILURE MAY BE MORE YOUR STYLE.

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

Success may be sweet, but Larry Kersten is betting that bitterness will pay off.

An entrepreneur with a Ph.D. in organizational studies, Dr. Kersten is the founder of Despair Inc., a Dallas company that has developed a “demotivational” line of stationery products designed for those who toast their lack of achievement with half-empty glasses.

The set of 12 posters feature dead-on parodies of those ubiquitous inspirational scenes of man vs. nature that dot the walls of rent-by-the-hour conference rooms and lurk behind doors marked “Employees Only.”

Top sellers include “PROCRASTINATION: Hard Work Often Pays Off After Time, But Laziness Always Pays Off Now,” “MEDIOCRITY: It Takes A Lot Less Time and Most People Won’t Notice the Difference Until It’s Too Late” and “APATHY,” which features a giant picture of a cob-webbed rotary phone and the phrase “If We Don’t Take Care Of The Customer, Maybe They’ll Stop Bugging Us.”

The demotivational line was introduced at a stationery show earlier this year, but Dr. Kersten and his four partners decided to save distribution costs and sell through the company’s Web site, www.despair.com. And while the posters have proven popular, Despair’s biggest seller is the 1999 wall calendar, a constant reminder that every day can be a bad one.

Promising “monthly inspirations for underachievers, pessimists and the chronically unsuccessful,” the calendar points out the dates of various calamities in the history of mankind, including Oct. 2, 1976, when “Disco Duck” topped the charts, and Oct. 8, the 127th anniversary of the Chicago fire. Computer users may argue whether the introduction of Windows 95 on Aug. 24, 1995, constitutes a genuine catastrophe.

Despair Inc. has sold more than 6,000 calendars to date, including 1,500 in the past two weeks now that cynics have discovered the site and are e-mailing copies of their favorite sayings to friends. The company also plans a line of “Despair Wear” clothing, including T-shirts, hats and underwear. “We think boxer shorts with the saying ‘Increasing Success Through Lowering Expectations’ should do well,” Dr. Kersten says.

“Mediocrity is rampant,” he explains, noting that he was forced to change the name of his company from “Disparities” because people either didn’t know what it meant, or had a hard time spelling it. “Despair is easy to remember and easy to spell,” he adds cheerfully.

WALL STREET JOURNAL WRITE-UP LEADS TO RECORD PROFITS, MASSIVE LAYOFFS

DALLAS, TX – November 12, 1998 – A feature article in the WSJ November 12th edition of “Marketplace” led to a record-breaking day in Despair, Inc. history. Sales for the day easily eclipsed the prior record setting sales event of being declared a “Cool Site of the Week” by Yahoo!

In celebration of a record sales day, Despair, Inc. founder and COO Dr. E.L. Kersten announced plans to layoff 243 of “the littlest people” at Despair, Inc.

“With the enormous glut of high margin revenues flooding into our coffers, this really seems like the perfect time to put these tiny people out on the street.”

Each of the 243 little people received a framed “FAILURE” DeskTopper(tm) and the customary box of “Kersten’s Heartfelt Sympathies(tm)”, a bitter d-grade carob-derivative in the shape of a tear (pictured, right). The cost of both were deducted from their severance pay of one day’s wages, leaving them in debt to the company.

Kersten calls the gesture, “That little touch that hurts so much.”

The move came as little surprise to those familiar with Kersten’s management technique, referred to as classic “Draconian Husseiney”.

It also prompted a congratulatory call from one-time GM mogul Roger Smith. Smith later called the layoffs, “a brave but necessary response to combat exploding profits”.

The awesome responsibility of mass termination fell on the shoulders of Kersten’s ten-year personal secretary and longtime confidante, “Hey You”. He directed “Hey You” to select those little people who “had consistently demonstrated bouyant spirits in the face of difficult times at Despair, Inc.”

Of that decision, Kersten stated, “The fight against hope starts at home. How can we claim to combat hope in the world abroad when it might exist within our own ranks? I believe this random, terrifyingly cruel act will lower morale companywide and kill hope dead here.”

Kersten later made a public statement at a hastily assembled press conference:

“I’ve learned that with enormous profitability comes even more enormous responsibility. With the random termination of so many little people, I believe I can I can set an example for the biggest companies in the world. If they can learn from this gesture, and be willing to fire vast populations without warning and with perfunctory attempts at sympathy, Despair, Inc. will continue to grow at fantastic rates.”

Cynical observers of the move speculated that Kersten’s effort was a publicity stunt intended to increase the sales of “Kersten’s Heartfelt Sympathies(tm)” to multinational corporations seeking the perfect bitter indignity for their own layoff initiatives.

In reply, Kersten said only, “Never doubt the cynics.”

DESPAIR, INC. FOUNDER DR. E.L. KERSTEN CHALLENGES STEVE JOBS TO “DEMOTIVATE(TM)” HIS MINIONS AT APPLE

DALLAS, TX – November 8, 1998 – With stock prices soaring, a hot-selling new computer, and word of its return-from-death’s brink finally on the lips of someone other than Don Crabb, demoralization is at an all time low within Apple Computer.

It is difficult to find a person within the entire company who isn’t glad to work there. Really glad. And this led Despair, Inc.’s founder and COO Dr. E.L.Kersten to issue a challenge directly to Steve Jobs, during a recent visit to Apple’s headquarters.

“You need to take some serious action, Steve, fire some people capriciously, or create a clunky, overpriced computer named after a girl to get the STINK back in the air here, because you are being killed by Microsoft again.” Kersten was apparently referring to the unusual number of Demotivators(tm) products being purchased by employees of Microsoft.

Jobs, in his high, clear voice, said only, “Don’t diss on Lisa, Edward.”

Kersten’s motivation for the irregular visit was a selfish one. Over a year ago, the marketing staff of Despair, Inc. had convinced him that depressed stock option values, directionless management and legendary despair within Apple’s rank and file would prove, “the trip to bountiful”. <

Over the next 9 months, the team engineered a multi-million dollar campaign to directly target Apple employees. It created the first Demotivator(tm) print designed specifically after a company. The design depicted the once-luscious heroine from Apple’s groundbreaking “1984″ commercial as a bloated, miserable wretch who, in Kersten’s words, “was severely pressure-testing the elasticity of her orange windshorts”. She is finishing last in a marathon, with a caption reading, “APPLE: The Power to Be Your Worst.”

But, by the time the initiative was primed for launch, Jobs had returned to lead the company to profitability. Apple’s stock price had tripled. The new iMac was obliterating sales records across the globe. And Despair, Inc. was left without a bitter Apple employee to sell to.

Kersten was infuriated. In response to the costly blunder, he fired the entire marketing team in an infamously cruel company speech he titled, “Think Different, Elsewhere.”

Ex-marketing director John Robinson said of the speech, “Utterly debasing. It was the verbal equivalent of a freemasonic disemboweling ritual. The only thing he didn’t do was put stones in our pockets afterwards.”

Trauma from mass termination led to a brief rise in sales of Demotivators(tm) products to ex-employees of Despair, Inc., but was otherwise fruitless.

So after the wasted visit to Cupertino, what of the 10,000 prints? Kersten says he has a contingency plan.

“I’m currently negotiating with ex-Apple marketing personnel for a mailing list of licensed Newton owners and software developers. They should still be in enough pain to appreciate them.”

The Newton was Apple’s foray into creating a Personal Digital Assistant (PDA), and was recently discontinued at Jobs’ behest. The product struggled for years to gain market acceptance, but could not because of handwriting recognition problems (it only read 5 letters) and its weight (24.2 lbs.). The decision to discontinue left tens of thousands of angry users without an upgrade path, diminished writing skills and strangely disproportional biceps.

FRY’S ELECTRONICS ORDERS 5000 “APATHY” POSTERS TO CELEBRATE THEIR CONTINUING COMMITMENT TO CUSTOMER DISSERVICE(TM).

DALLAS, TX – November 3, 1998 — The call came in sometime after midnight. As soon as COO Kersten was informed that Fry’s Electronics was calling, he rushed to the telephone.

“I immediately sensed the limitless potential. My own customer experiences with Fry’s were so excruciatingly painful that I was overwhelmed with the possibilities of a relationship. They are truly Jedis of Customer Disservice™, from whom I could learn much,” Kersten stated.

Kersten was flattered to learn that Fry’s was calling to talk business. Company President John Fry wanted to purchase APATHY Demotivators(tm), thousands of them. He had seen the design during a visit to his local post office, and felt it perfectly articulated their own indifferent sentiments towards customers. In completing the transaction, Fry’s became the largest single customer of APATHY poster outside of the government sector.

“It is a wonderful irony that the company that turned Customer Disservice™ into an artform has entered into a relationship with the company that turned it into artwork. We couldn’t be more flattered,” offered Kersten on the purchase.

In reply, Fry offered, “This will keep our employees from losing sight of what is important. — Nothing.”

At one point, during a conversation with Fry, the notoriously unemotional Kersten found himself choked up with tears. His personal secretary and confidante of ten years, “Hey You”, later commented that they had revealed some radical new techniques for Customer Disservice™ they intended to test in their Dallas store.

Kersten declined to reveal details, saying only, “How much does body armor go for these days?” This led some to speculate that Fry’s may be considering shooting customers at random to gauge subsequent buying patterns.

Fry’s legendary indifference to customer service, although occasionally drawing criticism and media scrutiny, has only led to increased loyalty amongst their customer base and continued explosive growth. Analysts theorize that Fry’s customer base, heavily skewed towards poorly socialized, pure geek demographics, may actually derive some erotic gratification from the masochistic purchasing experience.